1aokgal

Dear Sasha...

You letter gives more information about your situation. You are not the only woman who deals with these issues. This forum is people with various problems who stay and support others. It would be true to say many who respond to a particular thread do so because they experienced similar problems. They do indeed understand what you describe. Most of us don't speak from the pinnacle of perfect, but from living through similar events.

You are gracious to accept what is said. Perhaps you can internalize some changes that might be positive with what is said here. You cannot have a life with any quality (even if you are biding your time to make a better future) without realizing you are being more than unfair. It really doesn't wash that you have a part time job and he carries the household. Your whole plan is to get out of there. What he does is for you and to keep things running for his son. You are living in a limbo because you already decided you are out of there....except in physical presence.

That is like a short time employee who takes long lunches and doesn't carry his share. That is a mindset that will not make any changes possible. On the one hand you claim you are a Christian wife, but on the other hand you are like the day help who goes home at the end of the day. In order to effect changes you have to commit maximum effort to this marriage.

I know very well policeman don't make a lot of money. My daughter supports her house payments, cars, raises her daughter and earns a bit extra with jobs she does outside her police work. She depends on her own efforts the last 15 years.

True, you need two incomes to keep bills paid and live decently if you save for your escape plan. Your part time job barely pays you to leave the house. You need two full time incomes. If your plan is to spring out of there it would be best to do it SOON so he can rebuild a life as well. The poison in your household also translates into danger for him to carry onto the job. He goes daily into unpredictable and dangerous events. Personally, I feel you OWE him a household of peace so he stays safe. He can't have a head full of conflict and not be in a vulnerable state for a disaster to occur. He keeps the roof over your head and deserves more than your grudging participation for what he tries to do.

It is right you show some appreciation for the good things he tries to do. To take the son to church is a good beginning on your prayer list. For you to treat him as a lampost is not part of the deal that he make efforts for you and you ignore that. Who are you that he should stand your keep while you take from him and say he is an idiot? I find that thought process to be so far from what you profess, it is unnerving. If you were my daughter I would want to tell you that you cannot effect change when you are unwilling to change yourself.

The other point is maybe if you will change, you can help what might be an addictive personality who gravitated to this interest. That means that his problems have to be addressed from emotional, physical and spiritual nature to what has become an impulse difficult to control.
It is not enough to be uncivil and argumentative and live in a limbo. Perhaps you have to corner him and give him your love and support and seek together to overcome the problems. This is like intervention for any person who is possibly unable to effect changes himself and needs help. Save the judgment calls. Picture an alcoholic unable to save himself. While you are not entirely responsible for another, it would be helpful for him to know you care enough to see it from this perspective.

There are support groups for these problems in the US. Perhaps you can make inquiries and get literature for him. I hope you will see he is not a bad person but has lost his way. He cares for you otherwise he would have walked out the door by now. I think you live in a dream world of your life tomorrow and lack the ability to see you do nothing to put that into place as reality. If you are going to make the break there is no perfect time and no deliverer to carry you along. Maybe if you put a supreme effort to help where you are now things could change.

I think you never loved this man and maybe needed an escape. Perhaps you can rethink things. Maybe you will find qualities in him you haven't seen for awhile. Sometimes people have more in their hands than they realize.

If you do want a different life. You will need to work full time. It is unfair to expect him to carry the bulk of the household while you do what you please and plot for a future without him. Perhaps the best plan, if you are unable to invest yourself in your marriage, would be for you to make a break. You might get help or be able to live with your family but it would be better. Now you depend on him but have little repect for the fact he supports you. That is not nice.
You will need to work at a reasonable job or live below poverty standards.