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Old 7th May 2010, 09:32 AM   #7
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone,

The fact that he's talking is a good thing, but don't let the contradictions drive you insane (I know, easier said than done!)

Yes, the fact that he suggested Relate is a good thing. Don't pin your hopes on seeing results in the first session; it's just about getting to know you two and your problems. I think they recommend 6 sessions. It might well help with the family issues too. They also do some really good books (Amazon) that might be worth a read. I've bought a couple of them and I like their practical approach and real stories.

He really does need to get to a doctor and talk about getting some help there.

I moved out into a rented room and it felt wrong for months. The fact that you two are still under the same roof is good; it gives you time to talk.

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My confidence has dropped vertically

Living with someone who is depressed will do that to you. I haven't had a single compliment in 5 years and constant criticism. That will bring anybody down. Remember; you are a fabulous woman living with a man who is currently an idiot!

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I feel like all those feelings he is trying to pin on to me. Like I'm not good enough, or attractive enough or well, anything really.
It's called blame-shifting and appears to be another common trait of depression. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. According to my ex, I'm not sporty enough, and the fact I've got a deaf ear annoys him because he has to repeat himself !! They are blaming you for them feeling down, and picking on stupid things to try and justify their behaviour. It hurts.

There's another great website on depression here: http://www.belljar.co.uk. (Wish I'd found out about this before); every time he is being contradictory, negative or critical of you, maybe you could try saying to yourself 'He's depressed. He doesn't mean what he's saying. It's caused by a temporary chemical imbalance in the brain' as a way of protecting yourself from him?

Quote:
i'm soon to be 34 and feel so let down

The way I look at it, is; better now than 10 years down the line. And I hang on to that thought. We can't turn the clock back (the number of times I wish I'd never met him) but we can do something about the future.

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I just don't know anything anymore
I hear you. It will drive you mad trying to work it out, because their brains are dysfunctional. Seriously. I don't know who my ex is any more. If I didn't think he was depressed, I'd be running a mile screaming. It's the thought that the man I fell for is still in there somewhere that keeps me hoping, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Take care of yourself,

A
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