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Old 6th January 2013, 09:24 PM   #3
Forever
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this...your marriage is indeed in deep deep trouble.

It is highly unlikely that she will cut off contact with the OM. She will instead, "appear" to wait and see if she can get her feelings back for you while still "holding him at bay"...but if she does not start showing you some obvious affection (her initiative) within a month or so, then her intentions are fake. An 18 month affair is nothing to wink at...if it had been a one night stand that she had gotten herself into while drunk, or something relatively new...and if she had repented of that with great remorse, you may have had a chance. But she lied to you and gotten another mobile to keep in contact...which means that you will have to be the "perpetual babysitter in earnest" for all her activities...This is no way to live for either of you.

Her declaration of being in love with him probably means that this is really over...just have to work out the mechanics of the split while she waits for her mother to pass. A woman just does not give up a relationship for a man she truly loves for one that she does not...and even if she did, that does not mean she can get her heart jump started for you again. She may simply choose to move on, rekindle contact with him, or go for someone else if that guy took her "break up" seriously...he may have especially if he is married too.

She will likely want to stay there with you while her mother waxes and wanes...then probably will announce that "this is not working out". She is unable to give you the affection and love which might have made a difference...because her heart has already "flat lined".

I strongly would warn you against "smothering" her...making declarations of your undying love, approaching her for affection, showing any despair or grief, or trying to placate her in any way. Men who grovel are such a turn off...she is well aware by now about how you feel, so leave it at that and save your displays of affections for someone who can better appreciate it. Right now she cannot appreciate ANYTHING...whether groveling or being stoic...so keep your dignity intact and let this unfold on her terms.

She is obviously unrepentant...so unless she was, you being a drip around her will not win her, but will instead, give her the idea that she can then take advantage of you for future plans and needs. Going along with any of your demands regarding ending that relationship will only serve as a temporary ploy to secure her enough time to do what she really wants to do.

So sorry.

Last edited by Forever; 6th January 2013 at 11:54 PM.
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