1aokgal

Dear Loving..

Welcome to the site. Can you please paragraph space your letters for ease to read. Your marriage has been in serious trouble for a long time but you failed to see the signs. I wonder why you would tell your new wife "you weren't an affectionate guy?" She did all the pleasant stuff while you held yourself in check. Why?

Did you view being a giving person as a weakness? So you controlled the climate of the relationship in the affection and sex department. Then you decided she had to work when she wanted to stay home and be a mother. Working part time wasn't an option? So she got the job you pressed her to have. The problem then was you felt she is consumed with work and has little time. When she has some time you have a bad attitude! No wonder the sex went downhill! Resentment can make intimacy impossible for some. You then manipulated her to apply for the promotion. That meant more stress and work for her. So she tried to do the best she can to help financially.

It seems she has stress on every part of her life work and home, and with a pacemaker, she is not the healthiest one. So she now rebels that you dictate how everything should be done. I can imagaine how disappointed she must have been to hear you say you are not the most affectionate one with the new wife! You don't seem to know how to give of yourself to the woman you love. Was your father cold and aloof? It seems she gave, and you took. She was the one who put herself out there. When efforts go unrewarded those efforts stop!

She got very little appreciation or return on anything. I might also mention she gave up the chance to be a biological mother. While an adopted child is a wonderful thing, most woman desire to have their own child. So that is a huge loss to a young woman. Had other things in the marriage been very good, then there might have been balance. The control you exert is not something an intellligent woman will tolerate for long. Let us say if a balance sheet was prepared of her investment in the marriage and yours...your end would be very short.

You did not mention your work or how that enters in the finances of the household? You decided she had to work. That does make her a full partner there or it should. I wonder who cares for the child while she works full time? Since this child was so desired, it would seem she would have a chance to shape and form that child ..perhaps work part time. Then you mentioned more adopted children. Is she supposed to work full time with other children? Then with her bad heart and the fact it costs more to raise more children she will be trapped and unhealthy and at risk. That is an unwise life plan and I don't think she had a say in it. It seems she had no say in any decisions.

The last straw was that you think you have the right to go into her bank account to even change the password on money she earned! That makes me wonder what country you might live, as she isn't being treated either as a partner nor to have basic personal rights to the money she earned. Frankly, no amount of marital counselling might get it across you have been a bully in this marriage!

I think you must see some of the pattern set here. You are honest enough to write things as they occurred. When you look back perhaps you see the basic problem might be in you. There seems huge insecurity. You seem unable to trust enough to give of yourself. Then there is that control issue. She was young and loved you, so she let you roll over her on all these issues.

After she was out there in the workforce she realized she has a right to be a partner. She saw what she gave up and she wants no more of it. So how can you regain the love lost here? Maybe you start with a huge apology for these issues. You can't go backward but maybe you can go forward. Plan no more children. You need to make a try so you might have a chance to salvage the marriage for this child.

You have a priority, it seems to me, to secure a better job so she can work less hours and spend time with this child. A woman with a Pacemaker doesn't need to consider more children. She needs a less stressful life to stay healthy. She doesn't need more burden on a fragile heart. This lady should not have to protect herself from one who pulls her strings like a puppet master either. You might think how you can protect and give her a decent life and respect her rights. I understand the heart situation as I have the problem. My husband works many hours overtime and tries to keep me from exertion or upset. Sometimes he keeps things to himself that might be a worry.

If you are to salvage this marriage you have to start from scratch. You should be able to see where things went wrong. I hope you can sit down with her and talk. You owe her a changed man to begin to build a life of trust and love. Perhaps if she sees you consider her thoughts and feelings she might hear you out. I hope you get another chance. It was a positive sign she was willing to go to counselling until that final issue blew this up. See if you can talk with her and make it calm and tell her how you feel.

You asked whether there was hope to change things. I think you can change things. You have a lot of personal work to understand what makes you tick and how that affected the marriage.