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Old 3rd April 2008, 10:52 PM   #42
Susan Strict
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Porn is always difficult - because like many things it can be addictive, as clearly it is in your husband's case. I don't actually believe it is always necessarily bad in itself (but, as with anything like this, there are degrees of what is acceptable and what isn't) and where we believe the line should be drawn varies from person to person. Because sexuality is one of the strongest forces within most of us, anything that addresses and awakens that force has potential dangers. I don't think it's a case of "spirits manipulating our minds" - it's simply that our minds have very deep urges that can latch onto something that stimulates them and then sometimes have great difficulty in letting go.

Alice, serious situations need drastic measures: have you ever looked at the porn that he is so addicted to?. Don't answer that here - these are questions you should ask yourself. Is it so extreme it simply repels you completely? Or is it fantasy stuff that instead of being between the porn and your husband could just as easily be between you and your husband?
Do you understand what I am saying? If you want to break the hold it seems to have on him then maybe, just maybe, you might start by looking at it with him and channelling his arousal towards you. I'm not suggesting that you should find the porn of any interest yourself; I'm suggesting that you should find his excitement of interest to yourself, and then use that to draw him away from it and to you.
Many couples look at porn together, because the fantasy of porn can enhance the lovemaking. I'm not at all sure whether I would recommend it, because undoubtedly there are dangers and I'm sure it's not right for everyone. In any case that's not what you're after. You want to draw him away from it, and to do that I think you may have to go into areas that will probably make you feel uncomfortable. The more you understand his desires, the more you should be able to be the focus of them.

Errm... can I put it bluntly? Find the opportunity to show him that you are just so much better than his own right hand can ever be. From what you've said, that opportunity may only occur when he's looking at porn. You have to be there, somehow.

Don't rush. Think about what I've said carefully. It may not be as difficult or as frightening as it first sounds even though to start it moving in the right direction may take you into areas that make you feel uncomfortable.
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