Thread: Baronness
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Old 20th August 2011, 05:37 PM   #33
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I will address your comments one at a time but I do thank you for all the things you have said to help me. Chamomile, I realized I was being overly sensitive at certain times but it kind of depends what is said to me. I have my own mind and can think for myself so I don't like being told what to do and this is what made me sensitive.

It is probably because of my mother and others always telling me what to do, what is right to do according to God, that made me feel like they thought I didn't have a brain of my own. I am open to suggestions but I have a problem with certain posters only seeing things from my husband's side and telling me I just have to deal with it.

He loves to go up to the canyon and everyone likes him. On the weekends he mans the kiosk where he take money for the parking and during the week he either paints for them and when school is in he is teaching kids of all ages about wildlife and the canyon history and is quite good at it. I told you all that he used to be a history teacher and so he enjoys this and they love him and they are his friends.

Perhaps I do have a problem with grouping a man's attention to my belief in my own attraction but that doesn't mean I have an over reliance on men, its just that men have always thought I was pretty and fun to be around and enjoyed sex with me so having one act like he is no longer attracted to me was quite a blow and one i've never experienced before.

This morning I went out into the front room and put myself in a mind set as to how I would feel if he was gone and I lived alone. I would have panic at first, because I have reacted this way before when he'd left me after a fight for the night. Then I thought of how lonely I would be and how much I would miss him.

I came to the conclusion that I am not ready to leave. I still love him and even with his problems, he is still a good man and if I led you to believe he has a foul temper and bad mouths me, then I am sorry. He doesn't have a foul temper but gets frustrated when he thinks he might lose more money out of his social security.

He said he knows it isn't my fault because I lost my job but you have to understand that this is a man who has always supplied for his family and not just to get by either. He's always had money because of his painting and has bought 3 homes and now he's in a position where he has to worry about having enough money in case something happens or the government takes more out of his checks.

Eventually he will get the settlement once his ex wife pays the attorney and she can't hold out forever and then he will have well over a million dollars but that hasn't happened yet and its taken years to go through this and he is frustrated because he knows he has this money but can't get to all of it because of legal matters.

This man is usually always nice to me and thoughtful and where he doesn't have sex with me anymore I think it might be a combination of worrying about our household and the ed and also repercussions from drinking for so long. He is taking his vitamins and seems to be doing better lately. I also put myself in the mindset of having an affair, going off on a saturday and returning later and coming in and seeing him and I can't do this.

I have come so close to God that I can't do something to mess up my relationship with him because now my time with God is more important than anything and when I was praying this morning I asked for a miracle, in fact, claimed a miracle in our lives. Deciding to stay in the marriage is not a case of 'its better to put up with him or live alone'.

I'm sure I could adapt to being alone but it was the missing him part that hit me like a bolt of lightening. I asked God to take away the anger and to help me to stop complaining so much to myself mainly, about him. There may come a time that I will need to go it alone but the time is not now and not just because of finances. God asked me to trust him and I must do this and he has not released me from this marriage.

I thank you for being honest with me and I think I will be okay as long as I have God on my side and he can do all things. He can work this out and he can help me make it on my own and he can also bring me someone else that is good for me. I believe in the power of God. I am not sticking my head in the sand but I am also not saying that God can't fix this marriage. Only time will tell.

Chosen, reading romance novels is not the equivalent to watching porn. Porn is basic sex with strangers and they are actors and there is nothing romantic about it. When I write novels lately I don't even put sex in it. They are mystery/suspense with romance but I haven't written or read any in quite a while. I am not expecting my h to be like a character out of one of my novels. Those men are perfect, my h is not.

I am very good at writing these and enjoy it but I am not doing that at this time but when I do it is centered on the mystery and not the sex or even how great the hero is. I can also invent any kind of situation and man I want and I like that. I haven't traveled much out of california so it gives me a chance to go places.

Forever, I want to thank you so much for what you said in your post and you had some good points. You are right in that the canyon is the only thing he has, his only outlet to make a difference and he does that, he has many awards for the hours he puts in and he knows the mayor because of this and more importantly, he loves it up there in the outdoors.

I did too when I was going up there. He is the type of man who has to do something and the canyon and tv is what he does and I realize he has given up the bar for me and so he has to have something to do. He cannot work full time and he works only a few hours at a time when he does paint and this is the first job he has done for free.

He's done 3 homes in the past year and was paid very well for it even though he didn't charge them what he would have professionally but the point was that he liked to do it, he enjoys it and I want him to be happy. You are right, he would be this way with or without me and I try not to take it personally but its hard when you are used to your h being one way and that suddenly changes.

Going up to the canyon is not an escape from our home, its just that he has to have something to do other than watch tv and this is what he has chosen. 1aokgal, he is not the McDonalds type of person because he wouldn't be too good at customer service. He gets impatient when someone is slow and if they insulted him or be rude he would let them know right off where they could go.

He has paid the bills and we've been fine but he just started worrying about his money from the news, which he watches all the time and I didn't pay for half of the household bills. I gave him money for half the rent but he would turn around and buy groceries with it and so it was actually going back into the house.

I want to clarify that he is not mean to me and does not have a mean streak. He is not purposely hurting me by not sleeping with me. I think he has the conditions I mentioned earlier in this post and I think he is dealing with it the way any man would. I think he m because he is not sexually dead yet but is afraid of what would happen if he couldn't stay erect like the last time we were together.

Yes, he could go and try to get help and yes he could tell me the reason why he's not sleeping with me anymore is because he can't perform but he will not do that and I don't want to put him through the embarrassment. This doesn't help my situation any but I don't think its deliberate. From knowing him as well as I do, I am assuming I know the reasons behind this whole thing.

There are certain facts, things that have happened that lead me to these conclusions and all of them are factors into what is happening and that is why he keeps telling me he loves me and kissing me and hugging me because he doesn't want me to think he doesn't care and leave him. He's said as much to me.

With all that said, it still doesn't help my frustration in not being with him. I cannot force him to talk to me but I know how to handle him in that he will want to talk to me. I can't force him to try and make love to me but I can make it so that he is comfortable enough to try and that means no demands and i'm not the demanding type usually. Only if I feel I'm being disrespected.

I have started requiring information from him more now though and he has no problem with answering my questions, I just don't like it that he doesn't just tell me without me having to ask. Most of the time I am tossed between showing him that I'm unhappy with this situation so that he will know that it is not okay, and just being happy with my life and showing him love and causing him to realize that I love him anyway, regardless of us not sleeping together.

I am always fighting the battle of these two feelings but as I am not a negative person it is hard to be mad just to let him know that I am unhappy, so I have been doing both. Not overly talkative and suspicious of him m. God said to trust him and so I must. I know women who live alone and have no man in their life at all.

No man loves them or they can't trust the one who says he loves them. For me to have a man who truly loves me is a gift most of the time. Sometime I feel like I truly hate him and other times I feel a lot of love for him. Mostly I feel unbelief that he hasn't tried to make love to me because it used to be so good.

And then it all boils down to how hard this must be for him. He is dealing with a lot too, worry about not being able to pay the rent, his ed or the effects of too much drinking possibly warping his mind at times and the fear that I'm going to bring up the fact that he doesn't sleep with me and the possibility of me finding someone else or just leaving him period.

Add onto that a active man who has always worked and was thrown into retirement early because of his back and suddenly he has no job to go to and has to do something with his time other than watch tv so he is big enough to go up to the canyon and offer his services.

I have volunteered up there too and I can tell you that there is nothing like doing something for someone without getting anything in return. You get such a sense of accomplishment and pride in just doing it, regardless of getting paid for it. It seems to mean more when you aren't getting paid for it. I don't know if you can understand that but that's the way it is.

When we would come home from the canyon together my whole attitude would be different. I would almost be euphoric in what I had just done and proud to wear the ranger uniform. When the two women left whom I was such good friends with, I left also because the woman up there now feels threatened by my administrative skills since she has none.

She is unprofessional and speaks without thinking and I had to put her in her place a couple of times and it just wasn't worth it. My h also had problems with her. I volunteered up there because to do so I had to pass the monrovia city requirements which was a background check and now I am qualified to work for the city which pays well.

More than that, I went up there so that he and I would have something in common and we did do so well when we were doing it together and so I may go up there but I don't want any complications with this woman. It is beautiful up there and you get an almost spiritual feeling and that is why it is so important to him and it was to me.

I would like to end this rather long post with this; he is more than a h and lover to me. He is my constant friend and companion. Life with him can be difficult and it can also be very good. Our relationship has changed and I knew it would happen eventually because of our age difference but it hadn't mattered for many years. I think I subconsciously want it the way it was in the beginning but that isn't realistic and changes do occur. Perhaps I'm being selfish in that I was it the way it was for the rest of my life but people get older and suffer the consequences of the lives they have led.

I am too young to live without sex and I'm not used to it from any man and because it is happening with this man whom I still love makes it even harder for me. I see him sometimes and I just want him, I've had a strong sex drive since I discovered I wasn't frigid and go confidence sexually and as a woman. I know it must frustrate him that he can't perform as he used to but that doesn't excuse him for not trying and at least saying things to make it better. I believe he is handling it the best way according to the way he thinks.

He has a lot of pride as a man as I do as a woman and so this must be very hard and yet I don't think he realizes how how it is for me. This is not just happening to him but to us and I think he needs to realize that. His frustrations with our finances are understandable since he's always taken care of everything but a man has certain responsibilities towards his wife and perhaps he feels he is failing in providing for me financially and physically.

He doesn't go to god like I do. He isn't just trusting god although he says he does but he needs constant contact with God and he forgets this and has admitting that he needs to just trust God. He hasn't been poor like I have been so this is new to him and this is what is causing such frustration. True love is trying to understand how the other person feels which I have a knack for but he does not. Maybe his fear of failing me in the sack is more overwhelming than trying and failing. His need for privacy regarding his finances is something he has to work on but he has come a long way.

He doesn't handle things right sometimes but I feel he thinks he's doing the best he can and he has said those exact words to me and he has also said he doesn't want me worrying about finances but he had a bad moment the other day when he was expressing his fears to me but at least he was expressing them and told me right out that he has to talk to me instead of keeping it inside. I know I have expressed to you my anger and frustration and I have also expressed my understanding of how hard this must be.

When I read the bible and pray I handle things much better and I haven't done that for a couple of days as I was caught up in other things but I got back to it this morning and I also read this little booklet called The Word For You Today and God speaks to me through this book. I always get something out of it and today this is what I got out of it; You must look to God for your answer and not people. You must keep believing in what God says. And you must not be influenced by people who do not share your vision. You must also position yourself to receive.

Last edited by Baroness; 20th August 2011 at 06:08 PM. Reason: forgot something