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Old 24th December 2013, 01:50 AM   #15
touchdownlexus
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Raymond. Thanks for the reply. Last night out of the blue we had a 3 hour "discussion". Our discussions are always arguments.
Our main prob has always been communication. I hav always wanted to be able to communicate. And he's not big on airing and talking what's bothering him.
After a point I was AFRAID to talk to him caused over months and years of being brushed off. So much to the point that I started not communicating imp things to him.

I've had a cancer scare which I hid from him and the world for 6 years. A rape attempt by someone one I knew. Almost getting fired for no fault of mine.
I never told him all this and when I lightly touched these topics yest. I felt convinced that I did the right thing by not tellin him before.
I felt like one of those people from backward countries where the rape is the woman's fault.
He bore his eyes into me bombarding me with questions like " where did he touch u. What did u do. How many times. Why didnt u slap him ". Alllll this said in terse accusatory tones like WHATEVER i did jus wasnt enough and no wonder the guy tried to me. I didnt get a micro second of sympathy 5 years after the incident. I was shaken inside out at that time. Shivering like a leaf. Feeling dirty like most sexually assaulted women do. How wud I've handled these questions at tha time????
Which is why I told him. I hope u or ur daughter or ur next wife or any woman close to u never goes through what I did. Or even u. Hope u never go thro something like sexual assault cuz it's not something that's explainiable. The emotions. The unrequired guilt. The million showers after it happens. The fear. The mistrust. The myriad of emotions that only and ONLY a victim will understand.
And I cried after a long time and it made me feel small but it wasn't for him. It wasn't for US. It was a new found realisation of how much I'm disliking this guy everyday and to think he held the centre of my world.

He also said instead of cocooning him from pain and sheltering for disappointments which I did cuz I'm naturally a protective woman, I shudve thrown him to the lions and let reality slap him across his face and maybe what I did by protecting him was wrong. Of course hell say that now cuz he doesn't need protection anymore.
This is the guy who missed a flight on the way to see me and was stranded with no cash at a transit airport until the next day. And THAT RIGHT THERE was reality. What he did then was CRY! If anyone out there tells me THIS man doesn't need protection the that person is mad. I organised money and reminded him he has a mate in that country. I soothed him and no biggie he flew in the next day. Same story happened to me where I was stuck at a transit Airport for 21 hours cuz they offloaded me from the flight cuz I was on a standby ticket. After 21 hours of waiting I rerouted and waited again for 10 hours at a different airport. Didnt cry or reach out to him worried and broken. Life sucks. Get on with it!
I did take care of him like a baby but I had reason to. Even after we broke up once 2 months ago and he decided to change professions I said well whatever works for you. I'm leaving for home from here instead of travelling with u to a new city and departing n rerouting my ticket from there. He cries!!! He says, " aww the minute I decide I dun wanna be in this profession u dun wanna have anything to do with me"
This guy is weak and emotionally brittle WHY THE F... WOULDN'T I BEND BACKWARDS TO PROTECT HIM?
Now all of a sudden me protecting him is the root o the problem.
He goes mebbe u shudnt have and given me the reality the way it is.
Sure I thot in marriages we try and protect our spouse from harm. But that's crazy talk. We shud never protect our spouse. Throw him/her to the lions! What concept of marriage is he all about. "Good luck finding a woman who believes the same warped concept as urs!And THANK YOU. Keep talking. Only makes me see the real you even more"
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