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Old 15th May 2009, 02:30 AM   #8
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Another reply I've got
I don't really know the reason for the very very long engagement you are in apart from the financial reasons. Mine was six months but I knew her before that. Some universities have married couples quarters where you can actually live cheaper than you are now. Two can live as cheap as one as they say.

We have a couple in our church who married young. She is in Cambridge University while he works in a bookshop in Cambridge. When she has done her degree he will see if he needs to study although he is being promoted as manager of the bookshop and helps the other branches get sorted. So a little job turned out quite lucrative. They rent a tiny house but they are very happy for now.

Although it is a trial I cannot see that it is unscriptural the way you are now. You are waiting until you are married if you know what I mean. I don't think it is a good idea to seperate as you are engaged to be married.

The problem is what is in his mind? Who knows what that is? In only a year you will need to be planning the wedding as it is hard to book churches. I know that from experience as my son got married last August at 22 yrs.

Is he afraid of the responsibility of looking after you with not enough money? Just a thought.


Another:
If you're still in college, you have no business marrying. I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but you are in college for a reason - to prepare for your future. It sounds to me like he is wanting to ensure that he does everything right to set up a sound future for you and any kids. Sounds pretty admirable to me.


What i've said thus far:
Relationship: Friends for about 2 years before getting together. Was water baptized in the same church.
Together for 7.5 years. so altogether knew each other for 9.5 years. Both currently studying overseas.
Background?


Not living together, not physically intimate.
I want to - on both accounts.


I'm working part time, studying full time, he's studying full time. Yes he's spends a great deal of time with family and friends when possible, and is active in church. I do not want to end it


His reply is just wait. 2 years is all he asks. He wants to marry as well. I'm not sure how to go about saying
"I can't wait" Now, or never. Ultimatum?


is that it then? i know it's admirable.
our education system goes, 6 years (6-12yrs old), followed by 4 years, (13-16), then 2 years tertiary (17-18) i met him at 16, and started University at 18. Completed a Bachelors degree, and an Honours degree. I'm currently doing my Masters. However in the past 5 years I have also been working and have saved up enough.
We are both 24. We do not plan to have kids in the first-second year of marriage as that is meant to save up for kids. He has completed his Bachelors degree, and finishes his Honours end 2009.
So basically, what do I do now? Just wait, like everyone else has said?


what do i do? if i have no right to get married now?
is it either WAIT or BREAK UP?
I know he wants to ensure everything will be right for the future for us and if kids come along. But we can do all of that together right? no?
:'(
i'm really sorry. and thank you.


Ask yourself why you need to be married NOW? It is likely some internal issue of yours, rather than any external issue (lose your grandma's will if you're not married by 25, etc.).


So ask yourself what exactly are you looking for by marriage that would 'fix' your life. Save money? Look good to someone? Start a family? What is the motivation?


Once you know that, you can ask the real questions on why your two views are not currently compatible.


I'm assuming that your boyfriend's view is that he wants to be established first. Many men feel that way; it is NOT a fault, in fact it's honorable. Why do you not see that aspect?


Or is he wanting to go out and party without you? That, too, is very common for people as young as you.


You need to know the truth before you can move forward.


I think I understand your situation much better now. You both have been close since high school and approached the relationship with honor and respect. You know your own love languages which is AWESOME and will help. From what you have said, I am assuming that he knows your love languages is touch and quality time. If this is true, he is thinking with his head and heart. As the time gets closer to end of college, there are much more demands of your time to focus without distractions. Please I don't mean to sound like that is a bad thing, but it does make it hard to finish. So there are a few ways to approach the situation.


You approach marriage the way he is asking. This will be hard for you and, yes, to him as well. But he will appreciate (or should at least) your sacrifice. I don't mean leave him alone completely, but just be content with the time you do have together. Then when you do get married (which I don't really think a huge wedding is important, but at least get a photographer - you can't get photos later) you will not have the stress of college burdening your time together. Also I suggest at least 3 years of marriage before children for time being married to strengthen your relationship (it is much different than dating).


You can get married now. This will cause him a huge amount of stress as a man. He will not be able to be the provider as God has commanded. You MAY have your love languages filled if he gives you the time you will want (and probably demand), and this will cause him more stress and loss of sleep to focus on his degree. If he doesn't give you the time you want as a wife, then you will feel even more lonely/frustrated than you do now.


The third approach is where you were physically closer (romantic affection). This can be very difficult (and yes, PAINFUL) for men. I would not be surprised at all if this is why he asked to refrain to minimal affection. It is not that he doesn't love you or want to be close to you. But if it was causing him pain (have you heard of blue balls? Some have not) or impure thoughts than it was good that he asked this of you.


I am not going to suggest a plan for you or him; just want to bring the logic that he may (I do not know him, this is just what I would be) be thinking.


I have seen all three approaches, and the married one (although right for some people) is very tough to go through. The stress of not knowing how to balance school, work (maybe), and marriage can get crazy.


If you know his love languages, what are they? Does what I say kind of fit his personality or am I way off? Is he very responsible with money and school? Does he ever make promises and then not fulfill them? Also do you talk about having children with him after being married 1 year. Is this something you want or you both want? That can be stressful to a man as well. When he isn't even standing on his own two feet yet, having to think about providing for alot more feet can be overwhelming. Even if you are both planning to work, it is our nature (as men) to be providers.


I will be praying that you get the guidance you need. But so far, time seems to be what may be needed. Personally I think marriage should wait for college to end - it will be less stressful in the long run.
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