1aokgal

Dear Winder...

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to read your post about the situation you find yourself. I guess the first question would be ..do you want this long marriage to end? Personally, I think one fights for the good things in life and as you have worked for everything in your life. I don't understand where you just nod your head in agreement and walk away.

She wants this or she wants that. Why make it so easy for her? Since she has not worked, but part time jobs, it sounds to me that she must have something waiting in the wings to walk out of security, to what? I don't think it is fair that YOU worked for the house and then you have to buy her out to hold on to it. She gets to go live on that money and then you carry the burden for that too. I just would not make an ending so easy. She wants out by Christmas? I would make sure you are an obstacle to that plan. Say no.

If she is so bored with life..tell her to go get a full time job. She only worked part time. Does she think you will pull her weight while you live apart? If she had to work full time she could see how hard it is to survive out there! Maybe she would not be so hot to get out there when she has to pull her own wagon without you! That is, unless she thinks she has another guy signed on already, who will support her, as you have. How long before the proceeds of that house is blown and there is nothing?

I imagine you will need to refinance the house to pay her out, right? I had a friend who managed to blow through her house settlement in a few years of poor employment and spending money on dumb things, since she never budgeted in her life. Her husband had been generous so she had no concept of making it on her own. She ended up poor living on her grown sons charity as he bought a place and helped offset her meager retirement income.

Divorce leaves mark on families and often it passes down a legacy that children will repeat this in their own lives. Can you imagine your family in future holidays and how such an event impacts everyone?

It seems too easy that two people together so long should just give it up without putting in the effort to find out what happened and see if it can be changed! You have shared many memories and there must be so many times that things were great together. Things go bad when people just take things for granted and don't prioritize their time together.

There are grown children but they too are effected by your decisions. Were there alcohol problems? Were there terrible conflicts? Was there infidelity in this marriage? You didn't just wake up one day and say, "I will throw in the towel on this marriage." I think you must have loved her for many years?

It is not easy to find love nor someone who has many things in common, as most couples married so long, have in common. When did you both stop trying? Here is what i suggest to you.

Tell her divorce is NOT an option! No, period. I would then see what the two of you can do together to make your life together work. Maybe going to marriage counselling together with a neutral party to discover the problem areas. There is no way I think you should give up. It is very affirming to love someone through every objection they might have in such a case. Maybe a short vacation to go somewhere just the two of you. Don't talk about problems, talk about what you find good about your wife. Don't be a quitter...see it through. Think about the promises you made at the beginning and try to go back where you were in the past.

If you had only a few months to live how would you live it? That is how you have to think about today. There are so many who have NO choice at all. There are those who find they have a terrible disease and no chance to live life as they would want to live it. You have health, a nice home, a job and security. You must be making awfully bad choices if you can't realize how blessed is your life! Do not throw away your chance to try again.

Tell her you loved her before and you still love her. Ask her what you can do to make it better for you both. Never give up. Is that constructive enough?