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Old 19th April 2014, 01:57 PM   #47
edgya1234
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Edgy...

You had a strong attraction at the beginning, but perhaps you didn't talk about things that are important when you bond into a lifetime. The issues would be how you each feel about short term goals and long term goals. You have a strong drive to self actualize, and that may have been from the fact you didn't get safety, security and love needs met as child. He seems to have always had strong bonds with his mother, and family, to the point he doesn't have the same drive to succeed that you display. Maybe he wants things, but doesn't know how to achieve to get those things. That could make him somewhat reckless in how he handles money. Didn't you say he lost a bit at the Casino? Everybody knows that the house wins. So gambling is taking a risk that average working people can't indulge to do.

Anyway, I hope you have a good Easter weekend. Maybe you have some points to think about from here. Sometimes it helps to get the input. In any case, you have some healing to do and when next you talk to him don't beat up on each other. If it is over...let it be as kind and courteous as you can make it. At least, end well!

I think it is safe to say most mothers think a someone interested in their child might never be good enough. That is moreso when that child is a male. His mother would naturally discourages the idea of your having children, if that marriage is not a stable one. Children never save a marriage, but can sure sink it. If there are already problems as a child requires their undivided needs are met for a long time. Children do not seem important for you, so it might not be far off the mark to say perhaps marriage is not for you.
Not all couples want or need children but your focus is strictly on your needs and desires and not on both of you as a couple. There are sacrifices that are made in marriage and, usually, the woman is the one who needs to make them.
It also comes down to where women were originally placed in this world as the companion and partner to the man, since the original man. I defer to my husband.

Edgy, I think you may not understand that biblical principle. I don't think man is necessarily smarter, though , he may be stronger perhaps. Where should a woman be placed in relationship to her man? I say that he is head of the household by the respect that I pay to him. I have to confess this, rather crudely, that I can be quite a ball buster, forgive my bluntness here, but I am pretty aggressive and focused when something needs to be done. Yet, out of the love I bear my husband, I will not get the last word, when to do so demeans him or takes from him, the right he has to make some decisions for us. I will bow to his decision in important matters because, if I did not do that, than we have no viable link to continue together.

My husband works overseas many months at a time. I buy the houses, cars, and make financial decisions that concern us. He is not here to do this. In his absence, I still consult/ask him in advance for his opinion, and if he is opposed to something , we go with his decision, not mine. I will always give my husband that respect! I don't try to prove how independent I can be or how decisive, when to do so robs him of the right to decide as a man, how we will be. I defer to him. YOU decide what you do, how and when you do it. That indicates your husband has NO power in your marriage. You don't respect him and you describe him as the child. The only way he could hold any power in your marriage is to knock you down and walk over you. You don't make way and that robs him of his ability to be strong in your marriage. That can emasculate a man when the power is imbalanced between a husband and wife.

If you teach a child to wash dishes, and he may do a poor job at first, he will never learn if somebody else steps in and yanks the job away from him. In a sense your drive, deprives him, of being the man for you. He has been emasculated to achieve anything because it will never be enough for you. That feminine side of you must want him to do things for you? I am not talking about now he should give you money. I am talking about before you both got to this sad point in the marriage. Maybe I don't explain this well? I don't mean to be all critical, but to introspect a little on these points. Do you ever defer to your husband?

I ask a question. What do you owe your husband? If you ask me, I say, " I owe him everything." Until you can put your feeling into being less about you, there is no marriage, is there? I open this up to Chosen or Raymond, as well, because maybe I express this wrong. What duty is owed to a husband?
You make a strong argument Thank you for taking the time really. There are many things that sound right but I will die doing them.
However it seems some points I get through my message and some things I explained poorly:
1. I am the product of the 21st century. Besides I live in EU and everything here is about empowering women.
2. I came from a long line of powerful strong women who made a change in their environment. Socially or scientifically.
3. Both my parents, my grand parents from my mother side are business persons. My grandfather was working well in his retirement. I sometimes help him. He holf the management of the apartment buildings, he did accountancy for several businesses and believe me money was not something we were ever short (so he did not do it for money).
4. My husband was with me 3 years. He fall in love with me because of who I am. He said those are some of the traits he loves about me.
5. My mother in law is sick in the head. As I said is not that she does not want me, she wants her son to live with her and have no other connection that can sever hers. I swear she acts like an emotional abuser. Besides there is the older son who severed all connections with her and she does not know her grandsons. So you have to give to me here. There is something wrong. No son will sever the relationship with his mother (he sees his father from time to time) so drastically for money as they pretend. She also puts down her husband in front of all the people that walk through her door, she screams at him constantly, she loves to find a victim.
6. My problem with my mother in law was that she wanted to be the boss of me. When she realize this will never happen and that she will never manipulate me she turned against me.
7. My husband has immature traits not because of me. I am a democrat. I listen to him and besides I am always interested to get his input in any decision because he has this ability to see details that I miss so we decide between us. I won't go on doing something if he is positively against it. I am smart enough to know how to choose my battles. And besides when he was like we should not do that I ask him to explain why and if it makes sense...
8. The business people are very flexible - that what makes us good. We never put down people who come to us with ideas that are against our for the simple reason that their ideas might be better. So I am educated for compromise, for communication, for not believing I am always right.
9. I do have some limits and sometimes my husband loved to test them with some silly things. If I was very stressed out with something I will overlook and take the bait. He loved making me worked up - I do not get angry - Is counterproductive
10. I was never madly in love with him. I love him but not I am not crazy in love. So this might have been a mistake.
11. I respect your opinion but I will be a great mother. I know that. A fabulous one as my mother was, as my grandmother was. I will love my children to death and I will teach them the most wonderful things in the world.
12. My husband went along with his mother idea that he does not need children, long before he met me. He wanted children because of me. He was afraid of his mother. We planned for him to do a spermatogram in secret. It was something he did not want to do alone and he was waiting for me to get to Spain.

Anyhow he already let slip some things (what his mother said), some things fir with what his mother has done or said before. And through the phone I know I can't do a thing. We will see in few months when I go to Spain if he is just speaking, if it is her voice speaking through him or if he is just over me and does not love me anymore.
I am much better today and some is thanks to you guys. I am trying to accept what is happening to me. If he does not love me and wants out well I can't force him right? And I do not want to.
Thank you so much and have a nice Easter all of you!
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