Thanks everyone and I'm sorry you're all repeating yourselves.
I'm sorry for not being very good.
i feel like such the drag because I know I must sound like a stuck record going round and round and round
I'm sure i'm supposed to be getting over it all now but I'm not. In fact far from it, it feels like I'm only just starting to go through it but now far more thoroughly.
Saw the solicitor and she was fantastic.
Very helpful and very supportive and understanding. Mind you this is what she does for a living but I felt she was genuine which certainly helped me feel a little better.
My dad liked he manner and even though he didn't come in with me he said she seemed like a good person.
Was supposed to be 20 mins for a chat but ended up being an hour. when I cried she helped and was very patient and clear. She again said what every single person has said about why he is and has behaved the way he has. Said it sounds like he is having some kind of severe mental breakdown. didn't look suprised when I told her about his dad being a manic depressive. didin't look surprised when I said all of his depressed behaviour and the crying and the feeling inadequate- said it could well have been triggered by turning 40 and realising what he is and has not achieved in his life.
Said divorce is really the best option so as to protect myself financially. Said i could try to speak to him to mediate things - especially because he is lying so much and so convincingly. Said if it didn't work then she could instruct everything through the solicitors and get an order to force him to comply.
She said all that i mentioned is actually abuse. the critism, the blaming, the shouting, the swearing, the put downs, the threats, the violence = abuse. I feel like some weak minded fool not realising and accepting she is right.
Still feel like an idiot now. How have I allowed that to happen?
I felt so upset and almost like I was betraying him by just being there. How awful and absurd is that?!
I have drank vodka all night and eaten cakes. I am putting on the weight that fell off but am losing my hair still. My mum noticed and it made me cry.
He knows that I am sensitive and he would know I am suffering. He could make it easier by being civil instead of all this deceiving behaviour. Hurts so much to think he has taken other girls out for 'dinner'. Probably taken viagra oh god it sickens me beyond anything that I am.
Can't believe he hasn't contacted me at all. Not even once. It really is like out of site, out of mind. He has thrown me away with the rubbish. And that's certainly what I feel like. I must be of no value to him at all.
I am concerned I must look like some desperado or some kind of weird person who is unlovable - I must be.
I know I am very vulnerable and that concerns me more because there isn't a great deal I can do about that. Feel frightened and nervous of people and saying the wrong thing or being the 'wrong' way. I keep making simple mistakes or missing the blindingly obvious. All of these anxiety feelings have only come about since this began and he didn't need me to go through this did he?
So pointless unless he is getting some sick pleasure from it. Either he is or his family are.
Have read my thread from the very beginning and it has been a constant slippery slope down and I have been helpless. He must dislike me very much but can't provide any reason at all as to why.
Don't know what else to say. Feel so pointless.
What on earth could he possibly want out of life to behave like this?