Thread: today
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Old 9th May 2006, 09:08 AM   #39
Helen
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Re: today

Lovey/Amanda,

Thanks very much for your supportive words. They mean so much to me. I am sitting here crying! One thing I have realised is, although I had 2 years of pretty intense therapy, I do still have issues to deal with. So I have decided to find a psychosexual counsellor to help me put everything behind me - I will do this privately, if necessary.

My ex is most definitely my ex and thank God for that! After everything he did, he did not want to divorce. Yet he was still refusing to talk about our problems and was still refusing marriage counselling. He refused to break off contact with the other woman. Hell, he even refused to see someone about his own issues, which are myriad and which prevent him from being an emotional support to a woman. The joke was he asked me what he did wrong. He said he wanted to know for future reference. When I tried to answer his question, he threw another screaming tantrum and again told me that I was just having a go at him. The worst thing was when he did his impression of a brick wall - something he did frequently while we were married. I told him that this was precisely what I was talking about and was the reason why I was no longer willing to stay married to him. I had tried and tried and got nowhere with him. I don't think I am a slouch in the communication department, which made my inability to communicate with him even more stressful - if that is possible.

In the end, I told him if he wasn't willing to have marriage counselling or talk about our problems in an open, non-hostile, non-judgemental way, there was absolutely no point in continuing our marriage. After being separated for 4 months I filed for divorce and the divorce (on the grounds of his adultery) was finalised in March this year. And he was very bitter about it - he told me I had no intention of giving him a chance! This was despite the fact that he knew we could not move forward without help/talking through our problems properly, coming up with a plan to resolve them. He also refused to stop seeing the other woman - he said he felt responsible for her! He had nothing to say about his responsibility to me, his wife. He just couldn't see what he did wrong, I realise that now.

All of this said, when I found out about his affair, it just about destroyed me. Not so much that he had the affair, which was bad enough. But because he had the affair with my brother's wife. If it had been a stranger I would have coped better. He told her so many things about me and our relationship, much of it untrue but the thing that really bothered me is that should have been private. Between me and him. But he blabbed his mouth to someone else - her - and to me, that felt worse than anything. This woman told my brother that I was neglecting my husband's needs and behaved as though it was her right to swoop in and claim them for herself. She asked me what effort I had made to work on my marriage which, frankly, enraged me mightily. She has no idea what he was doing to me at night because he sugar coated everything and made me out to be a selfish, frigid cow.

But, you know, even though we had problems, I held onto the hope that we would be able to resolve things. I wasted a lot of years with him after he initially assaulted me (which happened 8 years into our marriage - we were together for more than 20 years) hoping that one day, he might be willing to do the work we needed to do to put things right. He never was. Now I feel like a fool for giving him my youth.

It is very strange but my ex fooled so many people. He looked gentle and like butter would not melt in his mouth. In many ways, he was a gentleman. He was (and is) really polite. He used to hold open doors for me. Take my coat, help me be seated. Which made the more 'Neanderthal' aspects of his personality that much harder to deal with. I felt like he had deceived me by pretending to be this other person for so long. And he had. But I was young when we got together (19) and was too inexperienced, perhaps, to see him for what he was

I wouldn't say he lacks intelligence. But when we got together we were doing similar jobs (we worked in a shop and he was my boss). Several things happened in tandem to shift the dynamic between us. He was always a bit immature and, while he was managing a part of the business, he used to indulge in horseplay with the men who worked for him. He did not perform in a leadership role. It turned out they all made some weapons and used to fire them at each other, for laughs. The weapons were found and, since my ex was the boss and was in charge when all of this was going on, he was stripped of his promotion and given very menial things to do. Again, he blamed his employers - he refused to see that he had left himself exposed by doing such stupid things. To be honest, I was very angry with him because at the time, we had a newborn baby and a limited income (he was the only one working because I was still on maternity leave). We went from having money to having to shop in Victor Value and from market stalls. Then I left the shop and joined the Civil Service and was promoted several times in rapid succession. At the point of divorcing I earned twice what he did. He said it didn't bother him but I am not so sure. While in the Civil Service I did a BA in Politics and an MBA and, of course, I changed. Became more outspoken, perhaps more eloquent. And my debates were based in logic and analysis - more strategic. He always said he 'could not win in a debate with me' which is why he never tried to talk things through and indulged in tantrums instead. At the time I was also devoting more time to my job. 3 years after I joined the Civil Service, he violated me for the first of many times.

I realise now that all of these things made him feel even more insecure in our relationship, although he was happy that I was earning so much money. He became pretty clingy because he thought I would run off with someone else. This annoyed me - the thought never entered my mind - and I did my best to reassure him, to no avail. I suspect his way of feeling more control was by doing the things he did to me in bed at night. I am not saying he was right - I am just trying to think about things from his POV - tryiing to make some sense of why he destroyed things between us so completely.

To this day he blames me. The other woman (who he has continued his relationship with) hates my guts. I still find myself searching for answers but I know too that I will not get them from him. And here I am, today. Divorced, a lone parent and wondering what the Hell happened between us. I doubt I will ever understand fully. And as each day passes, I care less. He has been relegated to the annals of ancient history.

I just read an agony aunt letter from someone who was abused in childhood and the reply gave a number to contact for counselling services. I am going to go now and give them a ring.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me - and sorry to witter on again!


Helen
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