Thread: today
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Old 10th May 2006, 08:12 PM   #42
Helen
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Re: today

Lovey,

Sorry to hear you were not feeling well yesterday. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I have a cold but I feel like Hell because my immune system is compromised. I have not been able to do any work for the last couple of days but tomorrow is another day. I am hoping I will feel better! That said, I am still having to do housework - one of the pain in the rear things that you still have to do when you are alone and unwell.

My ex's sister describes him as 'manipulative'. I say the same thing. She told me that no one believed her because of the persona he presents so it was almost a relief for her to hear me say the same thing. But he is manipulative. When I was in in therapy, the people who were in there with me hated him - including my counsellors. They felt the same thing about him. He used to say things like 'I lost my job because of you' (he felt that he lost his promotion and lost out on opportunities because I was black and he was white). He felt he was punished more severely for the horseplay incident because he was dating a black woman. He did not say anything about the fact that before me, he was dating another black woman for 2 years. I was hardly the first and, after his other girlfriend, his employers had to know where his preferences were...

There was no mention of his role in the whole non-leadership/weapons debacle either (he played the village idiot when he should have been a leader). It was all down to me, according to him. I did not feel the same because, of course, I NEVER did anything this stupid with any of the people I worked with! Plus, I managed to join the Civil Service and get promotion several times - despite my colour. Indeed, I did not see why colour was such a big deal to anyone - I still don't. I asked him to join the Civil Service too, especially after I got the second promotion. Yes, he would have been paid less in the short-medium term but he would have had a better job, Mon-Fri hours, better pay for the hours he was working and the prospect of bettering himself, without our relationship being a consideration. He refused. Now I know he refused because he resented my job. He resented the effort and time I gave to it but when you earn what I earn, you have to work for it! He felt that my job should have been put last all the time, yet it was the very thing that enabled us to survive on the back of his idiotic behaviour. Instead he kept bleating on about what he endured for me. But as far as I am concerned, that was his choice (if, indeed, he endured anything). I was hardly the first! And there was no mention of the same opposition (from the establishment and my own community) that I endured for him.

Even though I see the indepth reply too, all it serves to do is make me question why the Hell I stayed with this clown! I should have looked at everything sooner but, like my parents, I viewed the ups and downs of married life as something to be endured. I endured too much for too long. If I had been smarter I would have asked more questions and done something more conclusive, sooner. Ah well...

I hope you feel better today


Helen

PS: Amanda - sorry to hear your man did the same thing to you. I do wonder what the heck is going on with men like that? Surely they know what they are doing is wrong - don't they? I just wish I had done what you did and walked out on my ex's sorry arse much sooner...H
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