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Old 8th November 2012, 09:16 PM   #7
Forever
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

Thank you for the additional information. I feel very badly for all of you...her, you and the three small children.

I think that she is either emotionally involved with someone else via internet activity, OR she is fed up with what felt to her as disrespect from too many cold uncaring comments when she would try to confront your bad behavior. If alcohol was a problem to the point that you get hammered and have to leave a party or event earlier than what she wanted...she could have chosen to go home too rather than feeling sorry for herself because of being left behind. But if you drank so much that you needed to leave, she probably felt embarrassed and disgusted with you and did not want to go home and suffer to be in your company...so she chose the lesser of two evils.

Perhaps she sees a future of decades with more of the same thing and is casting her vote to leave the marriage in favor of having a quality of life that you did not offer her emotionally? When you say that you did not abuse her, you were judging that from your own perspective rather than from what these things did to her internally, yes? She warned you many times, and the results of those warnings were nasty uncaring comments that challenged her...making her feeling emotionally abandoned. Like saying basically "tough, dont let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you" kind of thing, rather than acknowledge her pain and embarrassment.

You being gone represents a relief to her that she will quickly get used to...but it solves nothing as far as the issues go. If you give up the boozing and also tell her that you now realize that those cutting comments were so painful for her to hear, and that YOU will be getting counseling immediately, then it puts the next move in her court. I would continue to offer her kindness and support until it is clear that it is OVER. You will know. But do not keep finding ways to contact her unnecessarily or she will feel smothered and will resist you. Instead, be kind in your words and give up the booze for real...and set up a visitation schedule apart from being at the house if she gets increasingly uncomfortable around you.

Giving her "space" when she is trolling the internet for comfort is likely a big part of the problem also. She may have already found her "comfort"...albeit not necessarily a physical affair as much as an emotional one...which has the same exact impact...and she can justify that by using your behavior. You will not be able to win her back if that is the case...repentance or not...moving home will not fix that.

You going back home now will open the possibility of her taking the children and leaving which will disrupt the children, so it is not recommended...and she will see it as another act of disrespect for her feelings and an encroachment. I would tell her that you are "intending" to move back in six months after you have completely stopped drinking and also have been in counseling for the way you have spoken to her...there are underlying issues in yourself that need to be addressed also. During that time, she will either get a restraining order to prevent that, file for legal separation or divorce, or will see that you are serious and perhaps it will soften her heart...but it is unlikely if she is already "involved" on some level with another man.

Kindest Regards
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