Thread: Baronness
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Old 24th August 2011, 07:01 AM   #46
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness..

While I don't mean to be unkind, you also can't play the same song repeatedly and expect that your life or your situation will improve. Your ideas are very set and and you are a DOER you told us, but what you seek has been sympathy. That won't help you with coping skills for your situation.

This problem , you said, was of short duration, but a review of your notes and memories says this has been going on longer than a year.
How long has he been working at the canyon? Did the problems start before that or did the problems start after he began to be there for the days? Just trying to see what changed in the last year.

A rehash of your story in response to others' posts deny another poster a chance to be heard, as you have gained center stage again. Somehow the reality of your situation has to be that this is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This situation is not wonderful, but in a sense it should not be a surprise or the ultimate tragedy.

You chose this man with open eyes and knew he had a problem with alcohol. You knew he lives his life selfishly and hardly communicates he is so introverted. He was no scintillating conversationalist nor are there many interests you wanted to share. I find it hard to hit a common denominator that got you coupled! You knew these things about him, but you expected he would change for you. When women do that then she is a FIXER. One who needs the ultimate ego boost, as she thinks a bad boy will change stripes for her. Then, when that doesn't happen, she is disappointed.

I think your h. altered a lot for your life together, but he is still not the domestic type. This is like cornering a mountain lion and then wonder why he has problems sipping tea. Like you, I wonder what makes him tick.

Sometimes I wonder if your man is passive aggressive in his withholding of sex? You don't share a lot in what you both like. Other than TV, is there something else you both enjoy doing together? So either it is a bar scene or it is hours of TV. It is just too bad you can't spend some time being somewhere together where you actually have to talk to each other. Who knows how interesting that would be.
So long as he has withdrawn himself this is going to hurt and cause upset. If you can't get him to see a doctor than he has no intent to change this pattern which works for him. When it is a question of ED there are pills, tests, pumps and modes to work with this and men who do it keep marriages intact and satisfied. It has to matter to him. If it doesn't, than you have to work through your own needs and find some happiness. You have time on your hands until you are employed or work hard to make this business work for you.

I do think you have changed a lot since you came to the forum. The changes are all positive. It is unfair what has happened in the marriage and we can only hope your prayers and social skills can change some of that.

I'm glad you enjoy the creative work. That can take you a long ways so long as you study a bit about the era styles. Like you, I can spend a pleasant time to plan a new project and enjoy to see it completed in my imagination. I have other items so I don't get into a rut and find a good market with my outlets.
Yesterday was interesting, because my area is 100 miles from the hurricane 100 miles from here. There are also two nuclear power stations close by. It wasn't as strong as I experienced in SF but causes one to pause to be thankful for a life that is mostly good.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 24th August 2011 at 03:39 PM.