Thread: 37 years gone.
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Old 23rd September 2012, 06:16 AM   #7
1aokgal
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Re: 37 years gone.

Dear Winder...

It goes without saying life can be very difficult. Family and friends can let us down and we are are caught up in whatever happens to us. Some things we can control, but much of life is Karma and happenstance. How we react and adapt will make us strong or break us. You have invested many years in your marriage.

She has never worked more than part time jobs. That sounds as if you carried the both of you as breadwinner. She may lack the work ethic and distinct survival skills it takes to provide for oneself. It seems she is ill equipped to imagine in her 50's she can possibly support herself, unless she has a hidden family trust fund. That separation plan late in life for a woman doesn't work without good job skills, a reliable resume and job history. Working lesser jobs is not going to pay the rent.

Emotionally, it seems your wife hasn't done well. No boss cares whether the employee is agaraphobic or depressed, but it matters they show up daily with marketable skills and they are functional. So it seems your wife....possibly Ex-wife to be, may not be able to sustain her escape from controllable you. She may have independence to run the home when you are not there, but can she sustain herself for years ahead in the work place? I will tell you it is mean out there for women who often barely earn above poverty wages. Have you considered to augment her income if she is unable to make that separate life work? There is also the consideration of your present debts and how those will be handled with a lesser standard of living which you may have.

In your case, you have only about 10 years to consider what you have been able to accrue in a retirement account. If you are in the US, I will tell you that it is unlikely you can survive on Social Security alone, unless you have regularly invested funds for that time. While you are the major breadwinner, you must consider that to buy her out of the home, you may likely have to refinance the home with payments into your senior years. Both of you will suffer a major loss in your financial standing to separate after all the time invested. Unless you make considerably more than median income you will pay a very dear price to work out a separation.

As I don't know your full situation I have made certain assumptions which may not be pertinent to your life. Maybe you are the elder son of a very rich family business and your last name is DuPont. You may just have invented a new software must-have and the word, "budget" is a foreign word for you. I say respectfully, these suggestions are based on the average family. Maybe you think your problems are extraordinary, as the estrangement of family and conflicts.

I can tell you many families endure cruel or frozen treatment from other family members. In our marriage we have endured trials of job problems, Cancer, w/multiple surgeries, Chemo and huge medical debts we paid even after health insurance payments. We had to dip into a 401K to refrain from placing any loan on this paid for house. There is my family, so remote I have seldom seen or heard from them for many years, even while we dealt with major illness. My husband works away from home for 6 months of the year as he has for over 25 years. That means it can become lonely and there are things one can miss being alone.

Trust me, life is unpredictable and the only thing we all have to decide is to continue swimming upstream against obstacles. Character is when get through all the obstacles and barriers and choose to keep firm to the vows we took when we married.

While you have have problems that have moved you emotionally distant, is it worth the price you will pay in future to end this marriage? I think you will very much put yourself at risk. What have you gained for that "freedom?" You mentioned your job now has you both living apart? There is still one income, so there must be some financial gain for you to work away? I think you may be tired of her emotional problems and she wishes to escape into the dream of a perfect life. It is just not going to happen.

How much have you talked about the effect this will have on both your future life and those of your family? It seems a really foolish thing to separate at this stage in your life. The present econemy is precarious and the future for both of you separately will indeed be a lesser standard of living. There are no magic pills to cure middle age dreams that suddenly one will find the next great love and more stability. The opposite is usually the case. You both really need to reinvest yourself to work through the problems.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd September 2012 at 04:15 PM.
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