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Old 4th September 2011, 10:39 AM   #75
Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Re: Married and lonely

Hello there, I am not upset with you for expressing your views, after all this is what makes the debate lively.
It is one thing to post messages online to such debates and an0ther to actually live the life I currently live. My main reason for joining these discussions, is to see if other people are experiencing, what I'm going through and to see how they are coping or have fared out.

Forgiveness? Oh, yes. If I had not forgiven my husband, we would not have these discussions, because I would have been long gone from the so-called marriage.

Raymond, you asked "What do you think God is saying to you just now?" To answer your question, I do not have all the answers, but one thing I do know that I can do and that is to set goals. I do not know what the Lord has in store for me at this time. This is why I am staying put for now. It makes no sense to me to jump from the fire, into the frying pan. It is unbearable at times, yes, but it does me no good to run off, when I can easily take a few baby steps at a time. Then eventually the road will be clear to do what needs to be done.

I am now trying to occupy my life, by doing things that interest me and things with my son, doing my course, preparing for my retirement years, etc, as the Lord leads. I'd better make some wise decisions, before I just pick up and leave.

1aokgal, you posed a question, “I also wonder what you label as porn? I remember some thought Playboy magazine was porn, but it was widely read….”

I do not think you have any idea about what it feels like to be betrayed, even in the simplest form. To answer your question, "I also wonder what you label as porn", my husband confessed to me, some time back, that it was his father who introduced him to porn, well not directly of course. It all began when he was a child and stumbled upon those same magazines that you have been mentioning in your thread. His father used to have them hidden under his mattress, etc. That was how my h first got hold of those God-forsaken items.

Then, I guess that's where the root of the deception started in a young child’s mind and spirit. A few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to find my h engrossed in front of the computer. I was curious to know what was going on, as I could hear sexual sounds coming from the computer. Getting a little closer, I could see movement of what was explicit sexual acts enfolding right before my eyes and need I say more! I was shocked, hurt, and confused, obviously!

So therefore, he does not only watch porn magazines like 1aokgal seems to think, but progressed into hardcore live computer porn! I had a chance to speak to him about this and he just ignored me. I tried to find out if he was addicted to porn and if so to get some help, but got no where with this. I have stumbled upon this behaviour on more than one occasion and even masturbation.

To respond to your comment about my husband leaving me. Yes he could probably set off and leave, but he loves his son and would not sacrifice this move, if he wanted to. In addition, he is very comfortable in the home. Meals are done, housekeeping done. He gets to watch his tv and stay on his computer 24/7. My h’s life is sweet and he always has his way and has no care or bother in the world, as far as I can see.

My husbands's paycheck keeps coming up all the time in this discussion. I have to stress that he does not make all that money, as people think. The money he makes is just enough to pay some of the bills and even that is not enough, sometimes.
Thank God, for my part time job which enables us to use the cash as disposable income and to pay for other bills, etc.. There has got to be two pay checks in this household to make ends meet. I have to try to budget the money properly, in order that the bills are paid on time, that there is food on the table, clothes on our backs and enough money for him to spend on himself and for computer parts, etc.

To touch on the earlier comments about me being rude to my husband, when my friend posed the question to me…..I know what kind of person my h is, so therefore saying what I said must have made him think. Immediately after we returned from the trip, do you know what he did? Well, his behaviour towards my son and me has changed somewhat! I have started to see a different man. After the trip, he has been doing things with our son like preparing his dinner, he has made an effort to talk to me and to even sit with us, now and again. I do not know how long it will last, as he always start like this, then gives me hope. After a week or so, he begins to slip back into his old habits again, once I start to respond to his kindness. Then his behaviour leaves me to wonder if he was just putting on a show. Then he will go on to ignore me, withdraw from us and starts to spend more & more time behind the computer and tv. He would start treating me with indignation. He would ignore our son and not interact with him and will not talk to us in the house for days at a time.

As for being personal, if any one of you may think that my behaviour with my husband sucked, then, by all means, have your say. I have examined my heart, my words, my actions and have asked the Lord to forgive me for them, if they were offensive or untimely. I'm not perfect and get to learn from Him and get corrected on a daily basis, as there is always room for improvement. But I cannot pretend that things are perfect and pretend and hide my emotions. After all, I'm only human and there is only one who is perfect and that is Jesus Christ.

So, as I have said before, I have done all that I can possible do, until now I just try to maintain my sanity and focus on things that make me happy.
Thanks so much to those who have been a great encouragement to me, since I have joined these discussions.
God bless you and may you be prosperous in all your endeavours.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!

Last edited by Shasha; 4th September 2011 at 11:22 AM.
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