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Old 12th May 2001, 02:59 AM   #2
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
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How hard it must have been to face this difficult situation. There are no easy answers. In order to save your marriage, your husband does need to give you and your children priority, and no doubt you are having to work through the pain of forgiveness.

However that child did not ask to be brought into the world and does need to know his father. Similarly it is not surprising or wrong for your husband to have concern and feelings for his child. On the other hand, the other woman may want to marry again some day and the new husband may be willing to be as a father to the child. In which case it would be sensible for them to agree a process to tell the child about his biological father at some appropriate point.

Are you concerned that if he sees the child he will be tempted to continue some sort of relationship with the other woman beyond the basics needed to care for the child? Or does his seeing the child present a constant reminder of what happened so that it's hard to move on? Perhaps you need to talk to him about the feelings you have around that, whatever they are, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, mistrust, so he can understand where you are coming from and reassure you. Can you also find it in your heart to listen to him and try and understand how he feels about the child?

You will also have to consider how much the children and others should know about what has happened and the timing of this.

The key issues from a Christian perspective are surely forgiveness, which involves not exacting payment or revenge for the hurt someone has done to you. Then there is the difficult issue of learning to trust again. To rebuild a marriage you need to return to the vows you made to each other of exclusivity and commitment through the difficult as well as the good times. Lastly God is a compassionate God who cares for the weak and helpless and the fatherless, so I would say the bible would support your husband caring for his child, but not in a way that damages his marriage to you and your family life together.
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