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Old 13th January 2014, 07:20 PM   #201
hobson
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Thank you Chosen and Raymond for your thoughtful comments.

The reason I posted was to show up how mixed-up someone may have been before marriage who, 20 years later, without malice and after a great deal of thought, ends up on this thread as 'never having loved' their spouse. I am indeed mixed-up and not at peace, and that's really the point.

No way would I 'settle' in the way Chosen describes. If I am to be alone, so be it. Nothing can separate me from the love of God. The question is, what if she is my 'soulmate' and I am too mixed-up to recognise her? Neither of us is perfect. We are growing together in faith, and one day I may think her the most beautiful person in the world. Is it necessary to be "100% sure" that she checks all the boxes (the superficial ones that you can see from dating but not living together)? Can't I rather be 100% faithful that we will grow in love. It's a distressing thought for anyone in an arranged marriage that they ought to have been 100% sure and now have no chance. The advice given to the OP and others on this thread has filled me with faith that there is every chance.

I truly wish for the blissful chemical ecstasy of a good, old-fashioned crush. It's the only reason that I'm so mixed-up that I blame her few faults for my lack of love. At the same time, I have to assimilate the advice here to people who have lost their desire, their trust, their illusions, been betrayed, been blind, and so on. The advice to them is, be loving, and love will flourish. How can that advice be reconciled with having to feel "in-love" now? Why should it be essential before marriage, but not after?

I hope I can reassure you on your other points.

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Is she a godly lady? Does she have a strong faith?
Yes, and from a godly family (mother is ordained). When my parents met her family for the first time, it was to read Evening Prayer. Her turnaround on the subject of sex happened at her church reading group. We sit on the vestry committee together.

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I also wouldn't live together until you are married
Nor would I.

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Far too tempting.
It's amazing what one can do with God's help.

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Children. A Massive issue.
Probably for another thread, but for now, it's difficult to see how one can decide before marriage whether or not to have children. We discuss what it would be like if we did, or if we didn't, how we'd love them, how we'd love each-other, and we explore how each-other copes with conflict and compromise. And so on. Like you say, a massive issue, and not always our own decision. But not the main issue -- the main issue is that I've been looking for faults in her to explain my lack of confidence, and in 20 years time, in a crisis, I may recall the faults and say I 'never loved her'. All I'm trying to show is how that could come about, so that people reading this who have been told this by their spouse might have some hope that they didn't marry an unfeeling monster. It isn't so simple.
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