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Old 14th January 2014, 12:08 PM   #207
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Quote:
Originally Posted by hobson View Post
Chosen, please forgive me if I misunderstand you, but you seem to encourage me to rely on gut instinct (perhaps from God but how many people make that mistake?), to decide on (not just discuss) children before knowing their mother intimately (not living together), and to reject a girl for not being a looker.

I probably would have gone for gut instinct and looks until I met this woman. Believe me, I'm pretty hung up on romantic love, however fleeting or misleading. She is, too. But, considered in the light of what marriages are truly built on, explained beautifully all over this forum -- sharing, cherishing, growing, supporting -- she's incredible. And I didn't notice her friends trudging up mountains with her in the rain by torchlight. Hence the confusion over what matters, the spark or the substance. It doesn't help that the Bible is chock full of people who follow God when they really don't feel like it. My latest thoughts are that God made her in his image, so if I don't see her beauty, something's wrong with me, not her.

On children again, I agree it's vital to discuss them, but I'm afraid I disagree that anyone should stake their marriage on them. God will make a child, or not. On arranged Christian marriages, there are plenty around my neck of the woods, though people tend to keep it quiet.
No I am not saying that at all, you misunderstand me. She needs to be attractive to YOU. Its doesn't matter what anyone else in the world thinks, but you need that chemistry, and no, not gut instinct, but Gods peace. He gives us that peace if something is right, and if we feel unsettled and unsure then that is a strong warning to us. Do I get the impression that she is older than you?

MY step son went out with a girl a few years ago for well over a year. He had even got as far as buying the engagement ring. However God was working and he still felt that niggling unease and lack of peace. He bravely called it off, and now 4 years later is engaged to a lovely girl in OZ where he lives now. He has no unease this time, he is sure.

I have never come across any arranged marriages in Christian circles, and for us there is no need for it to happen. Many arranged marriages are a disaster.
I know 3 women personally who say they knew before marriage that they had some doubts and both had awful marriages. Two in our own families. 2 ended in divorce and one still struggles on.

All I am saying is that you need to take that time out to pray and listen to what God is saying. Its the rest of your life you are talking about, why take any risks if you don't have that peace? Doubt and lack of peace are there for a reason, and that is to warn us.
I have had that lack of peace many times when I have had to make important life decisions, and I listened to it and later it was proved that is had been the right decision I made.

Children. Its vital that you agree on something so terribly important, as to whether to have children. If she refuses there is nothing you can do. God will not force a baby on a person who doesn't want them. I cant believe that anyone would marry if they aren't on the same side over children.
As I said my friends daughters marriage is in terrible trouble over this very issue.

I can just see red flags here, the main one being that you are not sure. My advise don't do anything more until you are sure. If you are happy to spend the rest of your life with a nice lady who is no more really than a good friend and housemate, than that's different.

Having a short time away from each other to pray and listen enable you both to make sure that this wont be a big mistake. If you get on with your pastor or have close Christian male friends, ask them to pray with you about this, so that you can get clear assurance one way another.

Last edited by chosen; 14th January 2014 at 03:30 PM.
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