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4th October 2011, 09:33 AM

Hi,

I too am in a similar situation, and this thread has been nothing short of amazing. I've been married for just over a month, and for the past week or so, I've spent quite a lot of time contemplating my decision, and going online to forums seeking advice. It doesn't help that following marriage, I recloated to London without major plans for 3 months. And a whole of things happened before the wedding (including cancer). It's been quite a ride.

I've posted at Weddingbees, a US site, and found some helpful information. My story and thoughts can be read here:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/n...e-wrong-person

But this thread has by far been the most powerful because many of those who have participated have articulated very similar sentiments to what I have now.

I'm Christian, so I really want to make things work. But I'm a new believer, so I guess my faith isn't as strong as it could be, which makes contemplating other options so easy.

Squeeky's post about thinking about the alternatives and being attracted or seduced by the possibility that there's always something/someone else out there hit home. But it's a gamble, a risk. And an early post also mentioned that the problems could follow me wherever I go.

In my case, I think the root of the problem is me. I'm depressed. I'm trying to master my own thinking. I try to focus on unconditional love, service to my wife and seeing how being in this difficult relationship may help me grow as a person. It works sometimes, but it's so hard other times, especially when you're emotional. Or you see something going on in another relationship which you wish you had, namely that spark, passion or romantic attraction.

I'm posting this in the morning. I woke up after bad sleep (has been like this for a while). As I was reading the thread, my wife woke, and first thing she did after she woke up was to come by and hug me and be quite affectionate. She knows I'm going through depression, and I've spoken to her about how I feel. In fact, about 2 weeks ago, in a major melt-down, I suggested we annul our marriage. This devestated her, but we talked through it. Practically speaking, being overseas, with so much already invested, it isn't a realistic option anyway (though that adds sometimes to my misery because I feel I've boxed myself into a corner).

After the hug, we had a short chat where I apologised for just being down and not the best husband. She said she's not going anywhere, that she really loves me. And that I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of each day, and to take things one thing at a time. She was speaking to my depression. I'm been careful not to bring up the fact that I don't always feel a spark with her, which is a contributor to the depression. For me, I woke up this morning and one of my first thoughts (again) was whether we were meant to be together, or if we were compatible. I hate feeling this way. I really do.

As I mentioned earlier, I've spent the better part of my stay in London just reading marriage threads. Without friends, a community or much to do beyond housework and cooking, I've got a fair amount of time on my hand. The depression doesn't help. I'm planning on getting out of the house by myself to explore London. I've also got some social activities lined up. Hopefully I'll make friends and when all that falls into place, my relationship problems won't keep playing in my head like an endless voice in an echo chamber.

I've also purchased so many books which I hope will help me. One, "What if I married the wrong person: Help and Hope on the Question Nearly Every Couple Asks," was really good in breaking down and addressing possible reasons why you regret your marriage. But it doesn't really talk about recreating that spark which I crave and envy when I see it in other couples.

I bought another, "I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship," which has good reviews on Amazon. Now this title seems to talk specifically about what many of us in this thread are going through, where we don't really mind the individual, love them perhaps as a friend, but no longer feel "romantic" love. I look forward to reading it.

Anyway, if Squeeky is still around, I'd love to hear how things have progress. It's been 5 years since he last posted. He's already offered so much insight, I'd love to get more.

4th October 2011, 09:33 AM	#77
ultimax Guest Posts: n/a	Re: I don't love my wife and never have... Hi, I too am in a similar situation, and this thread has been nothing short of amazing. I've been married for just over a month, and for the past week or so, I've spent quite a lot of time contemplating my decision, and going online to forums seeking advice. It doesn't help that following marriage, I recloated to London without major plans for 3 months. And a whole of things happened before the wedding (including cancer). It's been quite a ride. I've posted at Weddingbees, a US site, and found some helpful information. My story and thoughts can be read here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/n...e-wrong-person But this thread has by far been the most powerful because many of those who have participated have articulated very similar sentiments to what I have now. I'm Christian, so I really want to make things work. But I'm a new believer, so I guess my faith isn't as strong as it could be, which makes contemplating other options so easy. Squeeky's post about thinking about the alternatives and being attracted or seduced by the possibility that there's always something/someone else out there hit home. But it's a gamble, a risk. And an early post also mentioned that the problems could follow me wherever I go. In my case, I think the root of the problem is me. I'm depressed. I'm trying to master my own thinking. I try to focus on unconditional love, service to my wife and seeing how being in this difficult relationship may help me grow as a person. It works sometimes, but it's so hard other times, especially when you're emotional. Or you see something going on in another relationship which you wish you had, namely that spark, passion or romantic attraction. I'm posting this in the morning. I woke up after bad sleep (has been like this for a while). As I was reading the thread, my wife woke, and first thing she did after she woke up was to come by and hug me and be quite affectionate. She knows I'm going through depression, and I've spoken to her about how I feel. In fact, about 2 weeks ago, in a major melt-down, I suggested we annul our marriage. This devestated her, but we talked through it. Practically speaking, being overseas, with so much already invested, it isn't a realistic option anyway (though that adds sometimes to my misery because I feel I've boxed myself into a corner). After the hug, we had a short chat where I apologised for just being down and not the best husband. She said she's not going anywhere, that she really loves me. And that I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of each day, and to take things one thing at a time. She was speaking to my depression. I'm been careful not to bring up the fact that I don't always feel a spark with her, which is a contributor to the depression. For me, I woke up this morning and one of my first thoughts (again) was whether we were meant to be together, or if we were compatible. I hate feeling this way. I really do. As I mentioned earlier, I've spent the better part of my stay in London just reading marriage threads. Without friends, a community or much to do beyond housework and cooking, I've got a fair amount of time on my hand. The depression doesn't help. I'm planning on getting out of the house by myself to explore London. I've also got some social activities lined up. Hopefully I'll make friends and when all that falls into place, my relationship problems won't keep playing in my head like an endless voice in an echo chamber. I've also purchased so many books which I hope will help me. One, "What if I married the wrong person: Help and Hope on the Question Nearly Every Couple Asks," was really good in breaking down and addressing possible reasons why you regret your marriage. But it doesn't really talk about recreating that spark which I crave and envy when I see it in other couples. I bought another, "I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship," which has good reviews on Amazon. Now this title seems to talk specifically about what many of us in this thread are going through, where we don't really mind the individual, love them perhaps as a friend, but no longer feel "romantic" love. I look forward to reading it. Anyway, if Squeeky is still around, I'd love to hear how things have progress. It's been 5 years since he last posted. He's already offered so much insight, I'd love to get more.