Thread: I can't let go!
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Old 3rd September 2013, 07:02 PM   #1
Pamela
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I can't let go!

This summer, 2013, was a very tough summer for me. I have been struggling with my marriage for a very long time, but more recently in the past couple of years, not sure why my husband didn’t seem to care about me or be attracted to me any more. He had become quite distant, to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable trying to reach out to him to establish closeness, even in times when I needed him so much.

In July I happened upon a person wishing him happy birthday, which caught my attention for some strange reason. I began to research her and found a blog by her where she mentioned my husband several times, had pictures of him, and one with the two of them after fishing. I went to his fishing sight, and found they connected on there in September, 2010, when he reached out to her about how great he thought her fishing blog was. There were several flirty type remarks there, and by January, 2011 they were talking by phone, because he told her in one of the threads to call him, he was in. This was after 10pm when I had most likely retired, since I had to be up early for work.

My husband, is retired, and is an avid sports fisherman. This woman is also big into fishing, and I noticed on most of her Internet sights she has mostly male fishing friends. Maybe she uses these sights to look for men, I don’t know, but my husband fell for the bait. As I looked at the one picture of them together holding a striped bass, I couldn’t help but think of how they were like two peas in a pod. You see, I never had the opportunity to get heavy into fishing like that with him since during the twenty-nine years that we have been married, I worked a couple of jobs, took care of and ran three kids around, went back to work on my masters degree and took care of home while he worked, fished and hunted. Never even a vacation with my husband because he always planned his vacations with the guys to go on fishing and hunting expeditions. I always respected his sports, and gave him full freedom to enjoy them.

Since the kids are grown, I am still working full time, but he retired in December, 2010. This is around the same time he was developing a relationship with this woman. I was wondering why, with him having so much free time, not working, why we were not spending more time together when I was off too. He always had something to take him out of the house when I would be there. Since his retirement he was staying up half the night closed up downstairs in his den. I would go to bed alone, wondering what he was doing every night down there. I felt like he was avoiding me, and of course our physical closeness just wasn’t there because he wasn’t there. When I would ask him what he was doing, he always claimed he was watching his fishing shows. I think it was quite something different.

I suspected there was someone else, but didn’t want to believe it. Most of the time when he would have a conversation with me it was because he wanted money on the bills, or to light into me verbally criticizing me about something. He was very moody, at times being nice, but most of the time just being plain mean.

I didn’t say anything to him about what I was discovering about his relationship with this woman, until one afternoon, I went into his den and started flipping though his wall calendars reading some of his notes on them. There was nothing specific until I got to the 2011 calendar (it is now 2013). On the November page he had written her initials, her birthday. He had nothing on my birthdate, which was the following month. I thought back. Was this one of the many years he did not even remember my birthdate. I was furious. I crossed out her initials and wrote my name on my birthdate. I was so hurt by everything I couldn’t stay in the house. I drove 20 minutes to the beach to try to clear my thoughts.

It was early evening, the sun had set, and it was stating to get chilly. I pulled on my hoody and sat in the sand. I shook from the chill, anxiety, and hurt. I sent him a text, but he didn’t respond. I tried to call him, but he was on the line with someone else. When I finally reached him he claimed I was acting weird like I was losing my mind. He didn’t want to talk so we hung up.

When I got home I was still a nervous wreck. He said he had a bone to pick with me about posting comments on her blog that she found threatening. Well I never posted any threats, but told her I thought it was very nice of her to give my husband so many props on her blog. How was that threatening? The worst part of this was that he was defending himself, protecting her, and telling me I was crazy to think something was going on. Well, obviously something is going on, and he needed to remember who he is married to, and she needed to know I’m alive and kicking!

Of course , he denies everything. He claims they are just friends, she was having problems with her boyfriend beating her up, and he was trying to get her to leave him. By the way, there are no pictures, or references to her “boyfriend” like there were for my husband… on her blog.

After a couple of days of the worst fights we have ever had in our 29 years together, he claimed he never wanted to get married, but thought he would try it out with me. He claimed he loved me, but couldn’t love me as a wife the way I wanted him to. He mentioned people who stay married for years, but live in the same house separately. He told me, yes we are married, but I had to stop accusing him, and we could live peacefully and be okay. He claimed he would have liked to live his life much differently, more freedom fishing, hunting, travelling, and maybe living somewhere in Florida by this point in his life. (This is where this woman came here from). He said God had a different plan for him and that was with me. So he was making the most of it, and that I should do the same. He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead, gave me a hug, and asked me to repeat what he had said so I had it clear. I was near speechless! All I could get out was that he wanted an arrangement. He wanted me to agree to live in an arrangement! He asked if I was okay, and told me not to beat myself up about this anymore.

I went to my room and sent this woman a message, I apologized for any of the previous messages I had sent her. I told her I had reason to be suspicious, but had talked to my husband, and that I was closing the door on this. I was done.

I felt like my marriage ended with that conversation with him. I didn’t talk to him about this anymore.

We have been pretty much on friendly terms, keeping things civil. I offered to help him prep his boat to put it in the water, as this also gave us time together. He has not taken me out on the boat this summer, claiming the wind was always blowing too much. Meanwhile other people were going out on their boats. I figured he has no interests in taking me out. He’s probably got plans to take her out as soon as schedules permit. I say schedules because I am a teacher, and today was my first day back for the start of our new school year. Now I am out of his way, he has his freedom, he doesn’t have to deal with me.

He is still rather distant, and won’t look me in the eyes whenever I have a conversation with him. He wants to know when I get paid because he wants money for the bills. We had sex three times the whole month of August, and I initiated those occasions. It wasn’t that great, because he didn’t put much effort into it. It was almost like he did it just to pacify me. When I mentioned to him that we had sex only three times that month, he said “So what? What does it matter?” I didn’t know what to say, and replied something like, “Well, if you are satisfied with that I guess it doesn’t matter.

This “friend” woman never responded to any of my messages to her. I’m sure they are still very close. Every time he has fishing trips, overnighters, and trips to North Carolina, I’m going to suspect she’s involved, even though she may not be. I don’t trust him, or believe anything he says to me anymore.

I love my husband, and I am hurting in a way I can’t even explain. I pray that my heart be moved, so I can move forward and not hurt anymore. I wonder why he wants to stay married if he can’t love me like he knows I should be loved? I wonder if he will get beyond the wonder of this relationship with this woman, and be able to be close to me again? I also wonder what it would be like to be with someone who really loves me and wants to be with me?

In one way, I know this relationship is over, and I feel like I’m holding on to nothing but disappointment… but can’t let go. In another way I want to walk away into a new and genuine relationship with someone I feel I can trust and be happy with. But, who is he? Where is he? What do I need to do to bring this into my life? I have tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation and prayer.

Some day’s I do good emotionally, others, I am doing everything possible to hold it together. As I write this I am shaking, and my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest.
I ask myself how did I end up in a situation like this? I take it moment by moment. I am so lost as to what to do.

Last edited by Pamela; 4th September 2013 at 03:36 PM.
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