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Old 25th April 2001, 02:38 PM   #2
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
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The first few years of marriage can involve a lot of adjustment. One way to look at what is going on is that your wife hasn't taken on board the need to "leave and cleave", to move on from her relationship with her family of origin as being the most important one to create a new family with you. However that leaving is not about leaving behind, but about changing the sort of relationship we have with our parents. It may be that she thinks she has done this. Have you had the opportunity to share some of the expectations you have of marriage and in particular how you see your relationship with your families. Your wife may have different expectations or model of closeness in family. Different doesn't have to be wrong, but it needs to be understood.

It's difficult to grasp from what you've written what the real issues are that you are contending with and what is causing the conflict. Are you feeling left out and ignored by your wife, or do you strongly disagree with the advice your mother-in law is giving her. It is important not to force your wife into a situation where she feels she has to "lose" her relationship with her mother, but at the same time for the health of your marriage your relationship with each other must be the priority.
I would suggest that you do the best you can to build up your relationship with your wife to draw her to you. The challenge from the scriptures in Ephesians chapter 5 is a huge one for the husband. He is asked to love his wife as his own body, to love his wife as Christ loves the church, whom He gave his life for. That sort of love is powerful. You could ask God to give you that sort of love for your wife.

You might like to look at some of the articles on conflict and communication and in particular in our Relationship Basics section. Conflict is not necessarily damaging to your relationship. Some issues do need to be worked through, but you both need to be clear what the issue is you are trying to sort out and not just be pulled down into hurt and accusation.

There are a number of books and programmes you can use to build up your marriage. David and I found Marriage Encounter really helped us to draw close and understand each other, but there are lots of other excellent programmes.

As you strengthen the bond between you, the bond with her mother will become less of an issue.

[This message has been edited by Liz (edited 25 April 2001).]
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