Baroness

I have already apologized for not revealing that we were married and I'm not going to do it again. And I am not saying negative things about him on here any longer and certainly not to his face. We have a working relationship which he wants to hang onto. I talked to him about it and he doesn't want this to end and asks me to be patient with him and I have done this always.

I have never put him down to his face or made him feel inadequate in any way. That is not the way I am. And I already made the decision, as I started earlier, that I was staying and doing the best I can. What else would you have me do, Chosen and Chamomile? We are getting along and when I pray and talk to God about it this is what I feel he wants me to do.

The relationship is not over in his mind at all but he feels he is doing the best he can under the circumstances and has told me this many times. I have said he is a good and kind man and that he also thinks of himself in the sexual problems here, but since I don't know the real reason; whether it be he's depressed or a physical condition,I can only guess.

There is love here for both of us and so I decided to stop thinking about leaving because I had to made a decison. I already stated that. What happens in the future I don't know. If he can't rise above his issues of being afraid of marrying then I will have to deal with that. There may come a time when I am able to go it alone and feel this is what I should do but right now I am where God wants me and so I have to deal with it the best way I can.

To leave him and find a man who is more like me is still possible but I can't base my whole life on that 'maybe' right now. I have been looking for work and have applied to two jobs here locally and will continue to do so. If I can't find a job then I will wait for the disability but my hands are tied right now. I do have faith in God, regardless of what I see, and I trust he will show me what to do.

It is pleasant between us right now and I feel I must continue to try in this relationship because I still care for him.If there were no feelings involved it would be a different story. I have told you all my personal feelings and sometimes you get on my case about it but I felt this thread was to express myself to you when I can't to anyone else. I never said I was perfect but I am not going to keep apologizing for what I've done in my life.

I don't feel he and I were a mistake, I feel God was working in Gabby and he has changed quite a bit. He won't discuss our sex life and doesn't like to talk about marriage so much either because there is nothing he can do about it now. This is what he says but I think he has a problem with marriage because of the past. I have asked God to deal with him but if he is unwilling to make this commitment then I cannot remain here with a man who doesn't even think enough of me to marry me.

Also, there is the problem of not having sex even if we were married and that is something I have a problem with. God knows my heart and he knows his too, and so I give it over to the higher power. I am not worried about what is going to happen to me because I know I will have the strength to handle whatever I must.

I am not talking negatively about him anymore but have just had to accept the way he is because he's been like this since i've known him even though he has improved very much. He smiles at me when I come in the room and talks to me more than before and I have always smiled at him and treated him the same, even though we didn't sleep together.

My frustration and unhappiness left when I started spending time with God and started doing other things such as the hats and my crafts. It is unfortunate that we have come to this, we were very happy at one time and we still manage to be happy regardless of what we are going through now. He has no idea of the pain he has caused me because he either doesn't want to think about it or assumes I will just adjust.

What he hasn't taken into consideration is that God doesn't want me to be unhappy or in an unsexual relationship once married and may very well have another plan for my life. All this has brought me to the point where I have given over everything to God and am just waiting for his will. I do know that he wants me to stay here for now and he doesn't want me to resent gabby.

So I am doing the best I can and hopefully I will either find a job or the disability will kick in. I don't know why I have to be in this position with this man, but God has to have a reason for it if nothing else but to bring me closer to God. I have no resentment towards gabby, in fact I feel a little sorry for him because of what he's going through.

That doesn't mean I will stay with him no matter what he does but God has given me the grace to handle it for now.