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Old 26th March 2010, 06:28 PM   #1
Wiggle
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Long term relationship on the rocks

This website has been helping me considerably for the past few weeks, so I thought I aught to contribute something myself...

Not married, and no kids, but we've been living together for 8.5 years and together for 9+

Things haven't been great for a few years. No hugs or kisses unless I asked for them, never any compliments, constant (and boy, do I mean constant!) criticism - he even had the nerve to winge about the fact I've got one deaf ear! I could never do anything right, which really hit my self-esteem. His get up and go had gone - his response to sugestions to going out was he 'couldn't be bothered'. His nickname was Mr Grumpy.

To be fair, he's a brilliant DIY'er, spent time doing up my first flat and is great at all the practical stuff. It had just got to the point where I'd rather spend the evenings on Ebay than in the same room as him 'cos we just argued...

Last year I told him I thought he was depressed, and begged him to go to the doctor. It took a few more conversations with me in tears to get him to go, but he eventually did. He took anti-depressants for a while but then stoppped. What I didn't know was that he then asked the doctor if he could see a counsellor, and has been going along for the last year (I only found out this January.)

So, this January we had a conversation which ended up with me moving into the spare room initially. The house is HIS, and always has been - he says he's scared he'd lose half of it (which is a. insulting and b. I could, theoretically, try for half anyway because I've been paying him rent effectively for the past 8.5 years...)

It knocked me for six. I stopped eating, ended up taking time off work sick, couldn't think straight - this has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I HATE waking up each morning a bloomin' wreck, with my stomach and head swilling around. Lost half a stone in a fortnight. My parents (ok, my Mum) persuaded me to move out into a rented room which, to be honest, I wasn't sure about because we'd very tentatively started to talk properly for probably the first time in the relationship. The fact that I didn't go off the deep end when we talked about it made him realise, he says, that he could talk about it (when have I EVER thrown a wobbly at him? I'm one of those that will bottle it up rather than scream abuse - maybe that's where I've gone wrong??!)

Moving out - best thing, looking back. It gave us both the space certainly I needed to have a damn hard look at myself. We had a couple of hard chats when I popped back to collect my stuff (he actaully missed one of his sacred badminton sessions to talk - OMG). I'd mentioned Relate to him twice but he'd dismissed it totally. Which sounded like the death knell to me, so I cut all contact with him except for terse e-mails re. collecting post and bits & pieces.

I'm being booted off the library computer (have no regular access to internet - my computer is still at his place...) so will continue tomorrow.

Huge admiration to all of you who are going through this with children - it puts what I'm going through in real perspective
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