View Single Post
Old 29th March 2010, 10:56 AM   #3
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

OK, try to pick up where I left off!!

We’d actually started talking, and I decided to move out. I wondered at the time whether that was the right decision and he said at the time he wasn’t sure either as we’d actually started talking, and I do still wonder, but at the time staying in the house was making me ill with the stress of it all.

We initially had a couple of phone calls. He asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted old him back, the version I had met and wanted to be with. He sounded a little better after I’d said that. But he still wasn’t open to the idea of Relate.

I cut all contact with him for a week and a half at least. I was hurt, angry and a wreck. He eventually rang me (which was very nice) and suggested we meet up for a chat, and actually said he would research into Relate and look at making an appointment (!!!!). I agreed, so we met up in a pub after work. I was still angry and let rip at him a bit, telling him I wasn’t going to be a gap-filler or just someone there to stop him feeling lonely. He said he wasn’t sure the old version of him was coming back, with the counselling he’d been doing etc, which I acknowledged and joked that maybe what was needed was a ‘new, improved’ version.

I aught to say a bit about the counselling – he says that has made him realise a number of things. He can’t recall being hugged by his parents beyond the age of 7. He has no happy childhood memories (nothing nasty, just no happy ones) He lived by himself for years before I came along, and says it was very hard for him to adjust to doing *everything* together (I just assumed that’s what couples did, I suppose because that’s what my parents do…) He said he has difficulty with the ‘L’ word because he used it once with a previous girlfriend and got knocked back.

Now, this is the odd bit – after a few weeks by myself, the focus changed. It wasn’t something I consciously did, it was like someone had just reached in and changed the focus. I started having a hard look at the way I had behaved in the relationship. Maybe it was my Mum saying that he had done a lot for me, but she’d wondered what I ever did for him. And I realised (and it’s painful to admit, because it means accepting part responsibility for the way things have been) I’d been living in the house like a teenager- if I could have got away with hoovering once every 6 months, I probably would have! (and I have a cat). I hate housework, but it wasn’t fair to leave it all to him. He did try to talk about it, but not knowing how to, it came out as constant nagging and criticism – and we all know how the average human being responds to that…and I never responded to his romantic gestures. Looking back now, I think I was just too scared too…

So yes, I now realise that it takes 2 to make a relationship, and it takes 2 to quite thoroughly b*gger it up!

I asked him for a chat a week ago last Friday. I explained what I’d realised, and admitted that maybe there needed to be a new improved version of me too. He said he was happier by himself () and was regaining a sense of his old self, but that he was keeping an open mind about things. I mentioned the possibility of going on holiday together. He said that freaked him out (oh, joy). He also said that he wished I’d kept my mobile phone on more when we were together, because he thought a couple should send little texts to each other. To which I told him I wished he’d said that before, because I would have made more of an effort. He replied that he just didn’t talk, did he, and looked sheepish. He said that the walk we had on the beach last summer, he’d actually enjoyed. I pointed out he’d acted like a miserable g*t the whole day. He said that the time we spent at his mum’s reading books on the same bed, he actually enjoyed. Why the bl**dy hell did he not say so at the time? What do I make of that? Oh, the over-analysis!

His Aunt had died that week and he was away for the next week with work, so I offered to organise the Relate thing (I wanted to get it moving because I believed they may have a long waiting list). He was still up for that, so we’re going to Relate this Wed, all being well.

What a mess. Things I have learned, wish I’d realised earlier, and hope it helps others:

A) Don’t wait for the wheels to fall off before seeking help with your relationship! We get our cars checked out if they started making silly noises – why don’t we do that with something far more important?
B) Talk. Yes, every single relationship guru isn’t joking when they say it’s vital. The stupid thing I now realise is we didn’t talk about ‘stuff’ (and that includes sex) because neither of us were comfortable with it (as I said to him, it’s our similarities, not our differences that have caused this situation) but believe me, being in this mess is a DAMN sight more uncomfortable than talking would have been. Argh!!.
C) Appreciate!! It is so easy to take each other for granted. Yep, we made that mistake as well (I sometimes think the only relationship error we’ve not made – or I certainly haven’t – is infidelity…)
D) Take responsibility. There are two in a relationship. It takes two to muck it up. We may not realise what it is we’re doing / not doing (I didn’t) but in some way, we’ve contributed to the set-up of the relationship. (yes, it would have been nice to have been told in an adult, serious way – that’s where they’ve contributed to the mess…see B!!) It HURTS (I know) to admit it, but the good thing (I guess) is that at least once the problem/s are recognised they can be worked on. I’m not talking change who you are, but perhaps how you are (ie. be a bit more communicative, appreciative, romantic, in my case more domestic!) (how many brackets can I incorporate into a sentence? Let me count the ways…!) I’m not saying it’ll save the relationship you’re in now (I’m not sure it’s going to save mine…) but if we don’t address our own problems now, we’ll just cart them into the next relationship…and the one after that….
E) I absolutely believe it’s not your differences that cause problems, it’s how you *deal* with those differences. Yes, I’d love it if he were more intellectual, had a full head of hair, and liked dogs, but then he wouldn’t be him, would he? There’s something somewhere that says that there is no such thing as the perfect partner – we’re lucky if we get 75% perfection. So long as the other 25% of your needs can be met elsewhere (apart from the physical) there’s no reason why it can’t work. I can get my intellectual stimulation at evening classes and borrow friend’s dogs now and again. The grass is rarely greener on the other side (I might meet someone with 4 degrees, and find out he’s into S&M!!)

So where do I go from here? I’m scared that moving out was the wrong thing, because I think he’s going to find it harder to let me back in now he’s got used to doing what he wants, when. I’m scared I’m wasting time and emotion on something that he’s already written off. I’m scared I’m too old to find somebody else, and that all the men my age are either married, with kids, or just plain weird. I’m scared I’m trying to hang on to a relationship for the wrong reasons and I should let go. I’m scared I’m reading too much into what he says. I’m scared I’m over-reacting and being too negative. I’m scared of being alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to re-kindle the first heady days of lurv, because I’m very suspicious of that stuff – I don’t think it lasts long term (and the 101 relationship help books I’ve read seem to agree on that one – hey, I’ve got something right for once!:-) I want to be in a strong, committed, ideally permanent relationship that works as a partnership, a team. I NEVER want to go through this again. Waaaaaiiil!
  Reply With Quote