Chosen, 1aokgal, you need to know that I appreciate both of you for your contributions to this thread. Over the weeks you have both helped me - whether through sympathy and support when I need it or through a good prod to stop me wallowing in self pity. Your advice to me always come from a place of caring and I have a feeling I am going to need both of you as the days go by. The fact that your lives are so different is what helps me because I can see and hear how two totally different women have gone through, and live with, the very issues that keep me awake at night! I would hate to think that this thread cause upset to either of you... you never know when you might need each other!
I have my first counselling session this Thursday - I must confess to being nervous as I have reasoned myself round in circles and I hope the counsellor doesn't just start me off again.
On a more positive note I have also decided to do something that I have always wanted to try - so I went to my first ballroom dancing session on Monday... it was such fun... definately the right thing to do. I think I need to start trying to find me... and that was a step closer. I had a whole evening without even a thought for my situation - wonderful!
Forever, I have been thinking long and hard about what I actually want him to do and it is harder than I might have thought to answer that question. There is a strange safety in the familiar roles we have - distant but friends. What a sad state for a marriage! We would absolutely need counselling together if this is to work, just to get us talking. I have tried to initiate discussions about our situation and he tries to be open, but there comes a point where we 'dry up', the conversation dies and we do something else...
My husband is trying hard to be 'normal' when he's at home - maintaining the status quo - then occasionally he will speak to me in the tone I bacame familiar with over the past years and my stomach flips and I just think...'there it is again, I'm not going back to that!' Back to square one.
Anyway I am wallowing again, so time to go. Roll on Thursday
