Hunnymunster

Hi Raymond, you seem very wise and worldly and a patient person with understanding of people.
You struck a nerve in many ways and I find my self sitting on the floor replying to you!
Courage I don't have at all at the moment and I haven't faced him with the new information either, obviously I am scared of all the repercussions that would open up to me and secondly I can see I am a coward!
Denial as well I guess and guilty as I feel it's my fault I didn't deal with it properly in the first place . At the time I felt I knew they had a full blown affair and stupidly I approached her ad well. She totally denied it and said they were friends and that was all. She made out I was being unreasonable . My husband was similar and I could tell at the time he was preoccupied and I guessed he was considering what to do with his life. We discussed it many times but I always dealt with it like the nagging wife and ended up looking stupid .

The thing is this wasn't the first time . 6 years ago he came home drunk after a beer festival and even though he couldn't stand up he still managed to switch his mobile onto lock which I thought was odd. The next day I asked him why he remembered to turn it off yet didn't know where he was? He said a female from work text him and he didn't want me to get upset.
A week or so later I found an email on our p c he had sent to a random advert on the Internet.
He gave his name and description and said he could meet up any where any time ect and this was the start of alot of turmoil . His excuse was he was drunk and didn't realise what he was doing, obviously I didn't buy it but I acted as though all was ok,.
Things were touch and go and I left twice but only for a few days, bit inbetween I found out he was seeing another women he had met on the Internet on a dating site. At the time he said I had left him and that's how they had met. Afterwards I later found on our bankstatement he met her when we were together,by then we had been together and all seemed ok so I left it.
It was 3 years later this June I found put he had taken a friend with him on holiday with another couple. What really hurts me more is that he seemed to live another life, meeting her friends as though they were a couple and sharing holidays with them ,while I took the time off work so he could go! And then to read recently that he had posted comments about his girlfriend as though he hadn't got a family, I find that disturbing.
He can be so nice and smiley and do anything for anyone that the two doesn't add up.
He lies about debts he builds up, he pays of one with a loan and has secret credit cards. It's like I am married to a stranger because as a rule we laugh and joke, I am easy going, hardworking, I support everything he does and we are really good friends. Sometimes I don't know what's teal and what's not cus he is such a good bloke .
The evidence I found I want to confront him with but I sm scared, because deep down as much as I love him, I know I can't stay married to him anymore.
After the affair 6 years ago, I took the blame and I put everything into my marriage, he was my best friend, my everything and I still wasn't enough and he still has to lie to me.
I just am scared of a life without him but I am equally scared of a life with him!
I am a pathetic case for a female