Baroness

Well, I actually talked to him sooner than I thought. We were in the front room watching tv and before I actually thought about it I asked him how come he never sleeps with me and he said I'm on the computer and that's why. I said i'm not always on the computer and sometimes I go to bed before him and he kind of changed the subject. We were sitting there holding hands and listening to music by that time and later on he went to go take a shower, which is the sign that he's coming to bed. He likes to take a shower before making love to me and he's always done that. So I come to bed and he's asleep.
This has happened before and it upset me because normally he would hold me at least but this time he didn't and it was kind of late for us so he just crashed. I feel like I missed that opportunity and today I told him he passed out on me again and he kind of shrugged his shoulders. I also told him that he works so hard up at the canyon and that is why he passes out on me. He acted like it was no big thing. When this has happened previously he always apologizes if he thinks i'm upset about it but because I didn't act upset, that was his reaction.
Even though I was upset last night I just don't have the personality to stay mad at him even though it would let him know that it wasn't okay. I used to be mad the next day and if I got angry when it happened he always would apologize. I didn't ask him anything else last night because of what he said about sleeping with me. Yes, I am on the computer but its because he's watching reruns, which I told him last night, but there are many times I go to bed before him and he stays up and watches tv.
For no reason I told him earlier today that I loved him and he said he loved me too and I went to kiss him. Lately i'm the one who kisses him and it bothers me a little but he does kiss me sometimes. I want to shake him and tell him that he needs to be more attentive in this relationship. Doesn't he realize how lucky we are to have found one another? He needs to pay attention. He also said it was hard for him to pay all the bills and I reminded him that he said it would be fine, but I can tell he is a little stressed but whenever I bring it up he just waves it aside.
I thanked him for being so understanding about taking care of everything but he just doesn't see that us not making love is a problem or he doesn't want to admit anything so he takes that attitude. Now he will go back to sleeping in there and I will go to bed early tonight because I stayed up late and I can assure you that he won't be sleeping with me. It's just an excuse. He didn't snore, which was his original excuse and its true, that I had a hard time previously sleeping with him when he snored and he didn't want me to go out on the sofa so he sleeps on the sofa instead.
I just wish he'd do something. It's like i'm not even here, he doesn't notice me or care about us being together. This is when it is the hardest for me because he was in bed with me but nothing happened. I'm trying not to focus on sex too much but when its been so long its hard not to. He had every intention of making love to me last night but he fell asleep. This is the way its been for several months. However, we've been joking around with each other today and things seem fine.
We talked a lot last night about different things. The canyon, my daughter, a lot of stuff but nothing of a personal nature as to him and me. He has said to me if i'm not happy, he will leave and that concerns me too because why say that if you love someone? I think he is amazed that I have stayed with him all these years and he's told me I deserve someone better and I tell him there is no one better than he is. I go out of my way to say nice things to him, to make him feel loved and it doesn't cost me anything to do that.
I know he's had disasterous relationships and he can't believe that he's found someone to stick with him, he's said this. His longest relationship was five years and there was cheating going on so its almost like he expects me to cheat on him or find someone else and I told him i'm a christian and that isn't the way I was raised. I'm not on the look out for another man. I want this relationship to work. It's different for me now. Before I would have been upset and resentful, but I'm not. I'm showing him all the love I have for him and its become lighter between us, more comfortable and i'm not carrying around resentful thoughts or anger.
It's too bad about last night but there will be other times. It's just hard because I am not going through what he is. I'm the same and he has changed and its been hard for me to adjust. I actually feel closer to him since I've changed my attitude and started trusting God more. Life isn't fair sometimes and things happen and people change but we still love each other and even though I have confusion sometimes, I know that he loves me and I just don't want him to take 'us' for granted.