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Old 6th April 2010, 05:54 PM   #11
UpandDown
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 293
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Hazel

Not sure if you've read any of my thread, but I'm going through a bit of a sea change the last couple of days. I am fully aware it is temporary (this roller coaster ride makes sure of that) but for now I am taking the opportunity to rest from the gut-wrenching, overwhelming sadness of the previous weeks.

The counselling hasn't gone well. It doesn't look like they'll continue with us. I think you've hit the nail on the head - they have to want to change. It seems like you have had a long, hard look at yourself and your part in this break up and you are willing to compromise. You doubt his ability to do the same, however.

I definitely think there is something in the year of counselling he's had. I'm speaking from the experience of knowing two people who have had weekly counselling for years now and I don't believe it is helpful. Obviously it can be, but it certainly has the potential to be a crutch, just something they use to get through the week, not a catalyst for growth. I imagine you are right that the counselling has made him selfish - although depression will do that too.

About moving out, when my H first started talking about possibly no longer loving me, I found it extremly stressful and after 2 weeks I had a memory loss moment and realised I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I had railed against the idea of staying somewhere else as I just felt I had to be there ready to work on it with him the moment he wanted to (at first he said he needed to sort it out on his own and started seeing a psychotherapist) but when I had the memory incident I realised I had to move out if I was going to be able to continue looking after the children in the day. It didn't work out, however, as the kids were too unsettled, so we swapped.

My point is, don't worry about whether it was right or wrong to move out. You did what you had to do at the time. Yes, in an ideal world you would want to be living there, but living apart has allowed you that space to think things through for yourself. If you feel better now though, move back in. Don't ask him, just tell him you want to and suggest a day. Do you have a spare room? At least you would be in the same house.

Check out the legal position in your country regarding what you would be entitled to if you did seperate (I'm in UK btw, can't remember if you are too?) You must make sure you are treated fairly. Only you can look out for your own interests in this, he definitely won't.

It sounds a bit like some of the things he says make no sense (like the "clicking" thing) and if you take on board everything he says you will go mad. My H says all sorts of odd things and I used to spend ages trying to understand but now I realise it just doesn't make any sense and to stop trying!

He also seems very obsessed by the housework and those little issues. Instead of worrying about those annoyances, he would be better off trying to get back his "get up and go" and get out and have some fun/be loving towards you. That would be much better than lots of counselling telling him to blame his parents and you.

Basically he needs to get a life and start becoming a more fun person to be around and give you a chance to change those things he doesn't like.

Sorry if this post is slightly negative towards your H! Have had to put up with a very grumpy H myself today and had the thought many times "why am I bothering"!!!

Love Kathryn
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