Thread: today
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Old 8th May 2006, 09:50 PM   #33
Lovey
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Re: today

That's not easy to deal with. He sounds like my ex! Never talked about things and when it came time to separate he finally started to talk! Haha it was too late by then. That's why we broke up. I didn't like talking to a wall!
See that is interesting because my ex and I watched porn a little, together, he watched some alone and I didn't mind. He wasn't into hiding and lying about it, so that I think is why it didn't bug me at all.

I found that it has been easier for me to deal with clients and their spouses together for at the very least three sessions. This way they see that I'm not taking sides, and I give them homework to do. In marriage courses the therapist will have the couple sit knee to knee, facing one another. One partner will do the talking while one actively listens for 10 minutes until they switch roles. Once they switch roles, the listener gets to give their own interpretation about what the talker was trying to relay. (and vice versa)
As well, a good exercise is using 'I feel' statements, never 'you make me feel'. When you use "I feel like ___ when you do this" instead of "You make me feel like a __ when you do that" it will lessen the tension the other person feels when you're letting them know your feelings about something that has happenend. The big thing that I learned over the years was how to start a discussion. I have guidelines! Never discuss something that is ancient history unless there is something new you need to know about it- even then, let them know the reason why you're asking about it. When you open a dialogue, make sure it's when he isn't watching tv, or doing something constructive. If need be, ask him for an appointment to talk! When starting the discussion, let him know why you're opening up a dialogue and what you want to know. Try to keep it unemotional and calm and use those I feel sentences. Thank him for his honesty when you can- it'll support him in being more open and honest in the future. Play fair! End the discussion on a good note if it's possible- even if you are agreeing to disagree. I always mention that it's a good idea to touch, kiss, hug or even make love after. It's not rewarding behaviour but stating that you're in love even when you argue.

Does that help at all?

Your ex was silly to even think that what he had with the other woman was more than just a fling. Of course she didn't bug him about relationship issues. There was no relationship. The grass might be greener for a while, but not forever! In the end we're all the same!
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