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Old 25th December 2011, 07:39 PM   #466
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Chamomile,

Yes - my parents and I are close, they're just a long way away and I've not got the cash or time to go to see them. Just about timing - nothing deeper.

And yes, good point about lunch. Didn't have to explain to mother in law again why I hate sprouts!

SM
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Old 25th December 2011, 07:47 PM   #467
Chamomile
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Re: What can I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Chamomile,

Yes - my parents and I are close, they're just a long way away and I've not got the cash or time to go to see them. Just about timing - nothing deeper.

And yes, good point about lunch. Didn't have to explain to mother in law again why I hate sprouts!

SM
What a shame, I'm sure they miss you.
Sprouts...YUK! Christmas Pudding..How SO nice (not) xXx
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Old 26th December 2011, 06:56 AM   #468
bandit0000
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Re: What can I do?

Now its not xmas without sprouts
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Old 26th December 2011, 11:16 AM   #469
Chamomile
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Re: What can I do?

Ha ha Ha We're not exactly very conventional...... xxx
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Old 28th December 2011, 11:10 AM   #470
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

A lovely text off my w. Bought her a new bag for xmas (well, supposedly off my daughter) - she's a Cath Kidston fanatic, so got her a blue spotty bag that I know she really wanted.

She said she loved it.

Being a bloke, I'm not very good at presents - but she seems to really like it.

Nice to know I can get something right!

SM
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Old 28th December 2011, 11:16 AM   #471
bandit0000
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Re: What can I do?

So glad she liked your pressie. Us ladies love handbags
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Old 29th December 2011, 03:08 PM   #472
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

So, which way to go now?

I had it all planned. Be tough - lay it on the line. But I am scared now.

My wife seems to be having trouble 'squaring the circle' as it were. She sees a totally devoted dad who she'd never alienate from her daughter, and she seems to be having trouble matching this vision to the man she sees in her head - a cheat, a liar, untrustworthy.

Question is am I happy to just carry on like this. The only answer I can give is 'yes'.

But it's no longer a case of me just waiting. I'm not trying to change her mind - would love her to, but if I can't, I can't. And would I even want her to 'change her mind' if it's not what she wants?

Confusion reigns as much as ever. So here's to a better 2012.

SM
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Old 29th December 2011, 05:57 PM   #473
Forever
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Re: What can I do?

When in doubt...dont. It would be better to wait for that "talk" in your situation...until you are no longer unsure about what direction you want to go with this.

If you had met someone else, your whole line of thinking may be different than it is now...you would not be afraid because you would be motivated by the prospects of another life that would be seemingly more hopeful ahead.

But such is not the case. I think you should go another year as things are, but without you taking any more of her abuse...
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Old 29th December 2011, 10:35 PM   #474
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Just something I want to get on record.

This is what I could have done.

1. Disappeared out of my wife's life - leaving her with my daughter alone, a single mum with no chance of holding down a job.
2. Refused to look after my daughter when she is in work. Leaving her to rely on her mother, whose mental state makes her very unreliable.
3. Got a place for my daughter to come and stay half of the time - leaving my w financially unable to cope - less maintenance, family allowance, tax credits etc etc.
4. Started a long, costly and very divisive custody battle - in which everyone loses out.

I am so aware that dads have few rights in this situation.

Every day I feel more and more alienated from my daughter's life.

I'm no angel - but have not once let her down since we split.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a fool for letting her get away with it - then every time I get angry I think of the disastrous effect fighting would have on my daughter.

She must see how I've tried to make things up. It's so bloody frustrating to have your every move, thought and deed misinterpreted by someone you love.

Rant over.

SM
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Old 29th December 2011, 11:06 PM   #475
Forever
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Re: What can I do?

Great rant with a lot of substance in it!

If your primary concern is for your daughter's stability, then you are doing all that you can do to secure that...even if it means that your wife benefits too. Well, so be it.

Your other options suck.
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Old 30th December 2011, 12:05 PM   #476
bandit0000
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Re: What can I do?

SM I really feel for you. I think you have done more than enough to put right your wrongs and I would have least expected one of you to have met someone else by now.

I think it is kind of disheartening for you going into another year like this, have you had a talk with your wife, is she aware of all you have done to put things right, is she aware how much you would like her back, has she said a definite no? Sorry, so many questions I know.

Your behaviour since you split has been exemplary and your Daughter will thank you in years to come.

I am sure your Wife has been hurt by your past actions, but you have done everything within your power to prove you have changed. I wish she would forgive you and soften her heart towards you a little more.

Good luck my friend, you deserve happiness in my book and this is coming from someone who's H is wanting to walk away after just a year of marriage withoug a bye or leave, she needs to appreciate you a little more and I commend you for trying so hard. Goes to show all men are not the same, thank you.

Now my rant is over
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Old 30th December 2011, 01:24 PM   #477
chosen
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Re: What can I do?

Has she definately said now that there is no hope for the marriage? Is she therefore going to divorce you?
Just that you cant stay in limbo forever, and if the marriage is over then you dont have to listen to any more accusations or negative talk from her. All you need to talk about now is the child and thats it. Dont allow conversations about anything else if the marriage is over. Also you need to have more definate arrangements in place for financial matters and child care. Have you seen a solicitor?
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Old 30th December 2011, 01:28 PM   #478
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Chosen,

There has been no talk about the relationship at all. We're just plodding along in the routine we have.

We're getting on ok and putting the little one first. I haven't even thought about legal advice - don't want to waste the money.

Lisa - thanks for the kind words. Most of us men are stupid and don't see what we have until we lose it. Ho hum!

SM
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Old 30th December 2011, 01:34 PM   #479
chosen
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Re: What can I do?

So you have no idea of she wants to get back with you or not? I do think you need to know whether there is any hope or not of her ever coming back. How long is it since you spoke about it and what did she say then? How long are you willing to leave it till you have a final decision? Another 6 months? A year? .

Last edited by chosen; 30th December 2011 at 01:49 PM.
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Old 30th December 2011, 01:41 PM   #480
bandit0000
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Re: What can I do?

SM, i too think you need a talk with her, but like me you are probably too scared she will say no, dashing all your hopes, so I understand why you haven't. But I would be tempted to after this passage of time, you never know she may think you are happy with the situation as it is and you don't want to change anything?
Could you suggest taking her for a meal or something, not to talk but just to test the water?
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