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Old 3rd September 2012, 02:51 AM   #1
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Unhappy My partner lies to me about "silly" things.

Hello all,

Will try to keep this as brief as I can but it's hard when it's all jumbled in my head!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I'm 31 and he's 51. We have both been married before, him with two children and me with none.

The problem is he lies to me about his children, their both adults, 18 and 21. But it's silly lies, he doesn't tell me that he's spoken to them or seen them or he'll tell me bits but leave things out.

This has happened several times but the last incident really made me stop and think. I looked at his phone bill (wrong i know!) and saw texts to both his kids on one particular day. He'd not mentioned speaking to them so I just asked him if he'd heard from them, first he lied and said no, then he lied and said he'd phoned but got no answer, even went through the pretence of trying to show me imaginary phone calls! When I said I knew that he'd text them he finally admitted it.

To be clear, I have no problem with him speaking or seeing his children, they are the most important things in his life, rightly so, my problem is that he lies to me about the most important thing in his life!

I am really struggling to understand why he does it and it's really affecting how I view him and our relationship. When it happened in the past I've felt hurt, angry and upset, we've talked about it and he's promised to tell me more, which he does for a while then starts lying again.

It's made me feel like there's no point trying to be involved in his life anymore because I'm only ever going to get an edited version. It makes me feel stupid for telling him all about my family and it's not reciprocated. To me that's not a relationship.

I don't want to be wondering if he's telling me everything, I shouldn't have to check his phone bill to see if he'd talked to his own flesh and blood!

He does accept that what he does is wrong but also says he doesn't tell me because I don't seem interested. But how can I be interested when he doesn't tell me! He says I should ask more about his kids, but when I ask he lies anyway!

Anyway, that's about it, it would be really helpful to get peoples opinion on this, friends and family don't seem to take it too seriously because he's not lying about women/cheating etc but to me it's still that same feeling of I don't matter enough to know.

Thank you for reading x
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Old 3rd September 2012, 03:22 AM   #2
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Re: My partner lies to me about "silly" things.

Dear Nice...

Welcome to the forum. It seems he lies about his kids, I get it that you have never been introduced to them? It isn't only that he lied, but it seems to me he regards you not a serious attachment or you would meet them.

Sorry, I but I consider a 20 year age spread as a very poor idea. You would do well to find a nice man closer in ages. I'd also find one who doesn't practice deception to the point you think it is OK to go through his cell phone records or check behind him. That obsessive need to get at the truth, as he fails to tell you, foretells a future that you will get hurt badly with this man.

You aren't listening to your inner voice which tells you that deception and keeping you on the side..since he is not honest about you with his kids...really is NOT a relationship. Maybe this is a fill-in romance and you "make do" out of lack of confidence in yourself. It also seems to me that even if the romance were serious ..which I don't think he regards...a man 20 yrs older would not consider having children. His kids are grown. I doubt he wants the patter of little feet at this stage in his life.

At your age, you might consider if you married that you may want children. This is a relationship that he is content to keep you in the dark and on the sidelines. This relationship is not promising for any serious intents. You should weigh your options and do better for yourself. You both have different agendas, I think. I'd also wonder what else he might be lying about. I think you get your own intuition that tells you to move on and you ignore that.

I hope you see this might be a friendship, but is a mistake for you to think he is considering you as more than temporary. Since you have been together awhile it is troubling that he keeps you separate from his family. I find that pretty disrespectful.
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Old 3rd September 2012, 04:05 AM   #3
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Re: My partner lies to me about "silly" things.

I am wondering also why he finds it so easy to lie unnecessarily about common everyday things...what will happen when there is something REALLY serious that he should disclose to you? Did his habit of lying begin during his last marriage...and did that erode the trust between them there also?

I guess I would also want to ask you if you have ever met or spent any time with his children...or if he has spent any time with your family/friends?

Has there ever been any harsh words between you and his children? Do you think their mother (his ex) may have poisoned these two young adults against you, and maybe he hears all about it from them and so is trying to keep the relationship separate?

Have you ever had a conversation with his ex? Before I would invest any more of my time with a man who can peel off lies the way we peel toilet paper off the roll, I would have a conversation with his ex wife. Tell her you are contemplating your future and are having some doubts and could use her insight and input...I am sure she will be happy to elaborate for you.
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Old 3rd September 2012, 04:18 AM   #4
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Re: My partner lies to me about "silly" things.

Thank you for the reply.
Just to add to what I've written, I have met his kids on a few occasions, the most recent occasions have felt more awkward because of the lying. They chat away about things they've obviously previously discussed and I haven't been told about. Not nice for me and probably not nice for his kids who most likely think I'm not interested!

I don't want my own children, but have never worried about the fact he has kids.

But bits of your message ring true for me, I definitely feel like I'm kept on the sidelines, almost like he's carrying on with his old life and I'm just here to fill in the gaps. We spend time with my family, we invite them out, they invite us. But his family has never been here and he's never invited his kids to anything we've done. He says they wouldn't be interested because their doing their own things but it just seems like HE wants to keep them separate.
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Old 3rd September 2012, 04:36 AM   #5
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Re: My partner lies to me about "silly" things.

With regards to his ex, I only have his side of the story concerning their relationship. He said she wasn't interested anymore, just wanted a big house, money, cars etc and from the sounds of it he just lived for his kids.
But it's made me wonder why she wasn't interested? Maybe he lied to her too?
I can't speak to his ex because their is some animosity on her part towards me, that he's moved on and I'm younger I think.
But his kids have always been ok with me when I've met them.

He has also lied to me once concerning his ex, he spoke to her on the phone about stopping child support for his eldest child when she moved to her own house. His ex didn't like that and threatened to come to our house and "see" me! I, however knew nothing about this until weeks later when it came out.
He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to upset me and he'd sorted it out. I said we should be sorting things like that out together as a couple.

The more I write about things the more it's sounding to me like I'm just a lodger!
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Old 3rd September 2012, 05:15 AM   #6
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Re: My partner lies to me about "silly" things.

Dear Nice...

I take it you are living together than? Maybe I am from the distant past but I don't agree with live-ins, shack-ups, or cohabiting without marriage. He hasn't broached the subject of marriage and you hardly know his adult kids. He may be a reluctant to have you interact with them since he enjoys the benefits without marriage and he is embarrassed.

Don't get me wrong, but I really believe the 20 years is just too wide a spread. Put yourself some years in future and you may be changing his pampers. There is enough things that happen with a man close in age, but as time moves on, that physical and culteral difference will be more a problem. I feel the lies means he is embarrassed by the situation. That doesn't speak well for the love he might have for you. Some are really adept at lying and it is a huge character defect.

How well do you know this mans' habits? Do you admire his personality and find him admirable? Obviously, if you can't trust the words out of his mouth you never know when he is keeping secrets from you. Maybe he likes his unattached (legally) status. I think you wasted 3 years to a poor situation for your future. So, maybe you are impressed because he has house, cars and means but you need a partner you can trust and someone who will have the zest to be there in years ahead. Sorry, to be so negative.

I would never go to the EX conversation because a divorced partner seldom has anything positive to say about an EX-husband! I'd sleuth to ask a friend of his what they think, but you form your own impressions. He sure is keeping you on the side. How flattering is that?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd September 2012 at 06:28 AM.
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Old 3rd September 2012, 08:36 AM   #7
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Re: My partner lies to me about "silly" things.

I have to agree with the others here. 20 years may not be much now, but when you are in your 50's and still young enough to enjoy life, he will be an old man! I am 56 and cant imagine being with a man of 76 now! He has had had a long marriage and children and thus a long history before you with this other lady and his children, and you are still very young. My 2 older children are around your age, and both have only recently married for the first time.
I also agree that if he isnt prepared to marry you then why are you with him?Have you talked about marriage and the future?
Ask yourself the following questions. Is he honest. Has he got good moral values. Had he got integrity. Do you trust him. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. Would you be happy to spend your 50's and maybe your 60's caring for an old man? What if you decide that you want children?
As for the children, step families can be a problem, especially when the children are adults or nearly adults. Maybe you could meet them more and build up your own relationship with them? Men just arent like women, they dont need to tell their partners everything that happens, and they dont need to talk about everything that happens like we do. However if he is actually lying them maybe you need to find out why he does this.
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