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Old 5th April 2013, 08:35 PM   #31
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Forever,

Excuse me, but are you a doctor? I have been to therapy, I improved and not a pill in sight.

In any event, I can see that you have your own agenda. good luck with that.

If my wife is genuinely ill or sick or disturbed or whatever, yes I am prepared to look after her for the rest of my life. I am not discarding her like a fridge beyond repair.

I wish good luck to those who depend on you if they were to fall ill.
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Old 5th April 2013, 08:43 PM   #32
Forever
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I think the issue here is that she is NOT in a therapy that has been effective...probably because the total truth is not being told. If it had all been put out on the table, they would absolutely medicate her for starters along with continued therapy. I do not need to be a doctor in order to see with my own eyes how people are treated by the medical community...just as I do not need to be a doctor to see what chemotherapy and radiation does to the human body.

The problem that often comes up with therapy is that if there is not complete honesty and disclosure and the risks that accompany it, a therapist cannot make a proper diagnosis and will spend months and even years just doing talk whilst collecting the money from desperate people.

I am not a doctor...and you are not being a good father. You are throwing your own children under the bus as long as your focus is on your wife rather than on the effects she has on them.
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Old 5th April 2013, 08:45 PM   #33
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Some people just bahave badly for no reason. If she refuses to get properely looked at or helped, then I cant see she feels that bad. If I was so ill that I was being violent angry and putting my life on a self destruct mode, I would be the first to get help.

My concerns are for the children who are the innocent victims and who are having to live in this very abusive and damaging atmosphere. Carry on trying to help if you want until the divorce is over, but those children need protecting.
And you should know that most people who have a problem (alcoholic, mental, gambling, etc) are the last to admit it so they need to be persuaded to accept they have a problem and seek help.

If the children are under my watch, together with my wife seeking help, they will be alright. If we separate while we divorce and I look after them while my wife seeks help, they will be alright. I am already doing this. My wife spends 11 hours a day out at work + 9 hours in bed. That leaves only 4 hours of her with the children, which they mostly spend with me in the evening. They spend more time with her during the week-end under my watch.
If we divorce I will seek custody. Then if she gets help and gets better, there is no reason why she will not ask to be forgiven and come back to her family. There are many alternatives other than putting her in the skip.
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Old 5th April 2013, 08:46 PM   #34
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Originally Posted by Forever View Post
I think the issue here is that she is NOT in a therapy that has been effective...probably because the total truth is not being told. If it had all been put out on the table, they would absolutely medicate her for starters along with continued therapy. I do not need to be a doctor in order to see with my own eyes how people are treated by the medical community...just as I do not need to be a doctor to see what chemotherapy and radiation does to the human body.

The problem that often comes up with therapy is that if there is not complete honesty and disclosure and the risks that accompany it, a therapist cannot make a proper diagnosis and will spend months and even years just doing talk whilst collecting the money from desperate people.

I am not a doctor...and you are not being a good father. You are throwing your own children under the bus as long as your focus is on your wife rather than on the effects she has on them.
There you go, you are not a doctor, so shut it.
Or you can walk into a hospital and tell cancer patients that they are being stupid taking the chemotherapy, just before they call security.
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Old 5th April 2013, 09:00 PM   #35
Forever
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Who ever said that a divorce was even necessary here? I know that I did not. It was your wife that instigated one and that was without any advice from me or anyone else.

I said that you need to make sure that you are living in separate households so that you can be sure the children are not being influenced by their mother. It is also necessary until she gets help because if those who are helping her in therapy get wind to ALL of her behavior in order to make a proper diagnosis, they will by law, have to remove the children from the home if she is not medicated first and going to therapy regularly...which she is NOT at present. But if you already are living separately and have custody, there is no reason for them to take that action. You will have protected them already.

Yes, cling to your wife at all cost. See what that nets five years down the road. All you are doing right now...and all you have done thus far is enable her to get more and more outrageous. WHY?

If my husband were doing the things that your wife does...or even lesser by becoming an abusive alcoholic, drug addict, gambling away our finances ect...you can bet that I would draw lines in the sand and one of those would be to separate until HE decided that his family means more to him than his pleasures or addictions...and he would have to live separated for at least a year to prove it. Sound too harsh for you?
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Old 5th April 2013, 09:01 PM   #36
Forever
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Originally Posted by freddie View Post
There you go, you are not a doctor, so shut it.
Or you can walk into a hospital and tell cancer patients that they are being stupid taking the chemotherapy, just before they call security.
Um...I did not say that they should not take chemotherapy...what I did say is that I can easily see the effects it has on the human body...that I do not need to be a licensed doctor to see that.

Are you inviting me to stay off of your thread now?
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Old 5th April 2013, 09:06 PM   #37
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Um...I did not say that they should not take chemotherapy...what I did say is that I can easily see the effects it has on the human body...that I do not need to be a licensed doctor to see that.

Are you inviting me to stay off of your thread now?
I am inviting you to stay off the medical stuff as you are not qualified.

And I am inviting to to stay off the thread if you keep calling me a bad father.
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Old 5th April 2013, 09:08 PM   #38
Forever
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I think that you are trying to keep your wife with you at all costs. You think that just because you are with the girls that they are being protected. You are wrong. They are learning and absorbing everything their mother says and does. You ignore what I said in my recent post @11:10 about what happened to the 29 year old son of a bipolar mother who shot herself. These things really do have an effect on even normal people as well as on their spouse.

I hope you don't drift into a mock reality of the situation that you are willing to endure...and I hope your daughters dont end up like their mother because of YOU.

Best Wishes
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Old 5th April 2013, 09:09 PM   #39
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I am inviting you to stay off the medical stuff as you are not qualified.

And I am inviting to to stay off the thread if you keep calling me a bad father.

I will respect those wishes.
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Old 5th April 2013, 10:08 PM   #40
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Trying to cling to you wife against her wishes, just wont work. You need to let her go and allow her to make her own choices(no matter how destructive they are) You are not her father, she is free to end the marriage, have affairs, lie, decieve and abuse. However becase that is what she is doing, your job is to let her go and protect the children.

No one has suggested that you discard her, it is HER who is seperating herself from YOU, and you need to allow that.. She needs to learn that her behaviour has serious consequenses, and that she may well loose her whole family, but thats reality.
I know you dont like hearing this, but its the truth. She has had a choice for ages. Do the right thing and get help, or carry on with her appalling life style, and she has chosen to carry on, damaging everyone else in the process..

Honestly I have seen others act in equally appalling ways in marriages, and none of them had any sort of mental illness, so be careful about excusing what she does and attributing it to an illness. IF it is an illness, she can get help immediatly, and yet she refuses. Thats her choice and you need to protect those children from the fall out.

A parents first job is always to protect the children. It takes a strong parent to do that.
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Old 5th April 2013, 11:41 PM   #41
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Freddie I kind of agree with you in some ways. If she wants a divorce I agree that you should let her have it. In that instance you should do all you can to keep the girls which means refuting all these violence accusations etc.

If she actually repents of her adultery and affair by some long shot and wants to come home it is up to you if you want to forgive her. Laying down the condition of her getting therapy is a good idea. I would also add no more affairs ever or that is the end of the marriage.

The above is a bit of a long shot but you know her better than we do and how much her instability is involved in all this.

At the present you can only agree with giving her a divorce but fight tooth and nail about the other accusations that will be in danger of painting you as an unfit father.
The thing is I have to agree to the divorce as, otherwise, she would think I am OK with the affairs. Even if we look at the possibility of reconciliation, during the divorce proceedings, she has to see that I mean business. I am leaving the door of reconciliation open.
Only if she comes back with a new attitude from her holiday and after talking to her friends and parents, over there, can she talk to me in a civilised way to determine the way forward incuding options of divorce or attempt to reconcile.
In a way, I am looking forward to her return.

Yes, she has a worse history of violence. Her solicitor is very stupid advising her to fight on that front. The hearing on 12 April can turn
the tables on her. You know what I would like? I would like for the judge to say to her: "please Mrs... seek help, like therapy".

Now, I am looking for a way to defeat her in court (to stay and protect the girls) without humiliating her or she would hate me for longer. She is risking perjury in court.
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Old 6th April 2013, 08:31 AM   #42
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I think that is reasonable Freddie. You are seeking the best for all parties here.

I agree that in no way should you give her the impression that you agree with her affair(s). That means you agree with the divorce if she is asking for it.

It is apparent that you still love her for all her failings which is very commendable. I am glad that you are protecting your girls from anything toxic as much as you can.

From what you have said on here I cannot see her repenting but really hope I am wrong. As I said before you know her better than us and whether she is capable of that.
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Old 6th April 2013, 08:50 AM   #43
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I think that is reasonable Freddie. You are seeking the best for all parties here.

I agree that in no way should you give her the impression that you agree with her affair(s). That means you agree with the divorce if she is asking for it.

It is apparent that you still love her for all her failings which is very commendable. I am glad that you are protecting your girls from anything toxic as much as you can.

From what you have said on here I cannot see her repenting but really hope I am wrong. As I said before you know her better than us and whether she is capable of that.
Well, no I cannot say that she will repent any time soon. Maybe when she comes out of the fog. I still have hopes for some change in her after her holiday.

While they are there, I am monitoring the children through Skype, to detect if they are worried, unhappy, scared or relaxed and happy. The wife is less likely to mistreat them when she is relaxed or not arguing with me.

Thanks for the advice and support so far.
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Old 6th April 2013, 10:31 AM   #44
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I am glad that you are keeping in touch with them on holiday. It is good that they have you to run to if they need to.
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Old 7th April 2013, 07:59 AM   #45
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I am glad that you are keeping in touch with them on holiday. It is good that they have you to run to if they need to.
Apart from the fact that my wife is furious about me causing her split-up with the OM, there is the matter of her resentment about things past.
I have read that women carry with them resentment about indvidual events for much longer than men do. I have described on previous postings some of the things she resents most. I have apologised about some of the ones I knew about but she still cites them in her court documents. I have forgiven and forgotten many of the things she did herself.
If my wife is ready to talk, how difficult can it be to convince her to forgive and forget, so that we can move forward, wtih an amicable divorce or reconciliation?
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