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Old 4th October 2011, 05:47 PM   #346
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Yes musn't let her behaviour get you down. You can pick up if you wanted to. Let her have her fun so long as it is clean fun and if it is not there is not much you can do about it except to not let it get you down. If it goes too far you need to know what you are going to do instead of moaning but until that happen (hopefully not) you must try and enjoy the life you have now. Can you get a hobby or something to distract you a little?
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Old 4th October 2011, 07:40 PM   #347
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

what i shall do is try to ignore it, as far as a hobby it used to be my bmw , internet and the gym but as of late my car has been neglected i just drive it, the internet apart from this site serves no purpose, i used to go on the bmw forums etc the gym i do do now and then but i have lost a lot of interest, i never hardly watch telly, all i have is work and my family. I will try harder the meds i am on are quite strong and do numb feelings quite a bit, there for anxious obsessive and depressed moods and do work but can cause a deminished sense of responsibility, i am usually a very laid back person who does not want much from life but when it comes to my wife and kids i crumble, nothing else folds me like this and have dealt with many life issues. Hopefully the meds will give me the cruch i need, i also need to get back to work but i must wait till the side effect go a little, i have looked into and called round about going back into a taxi and could any day if i choose, but i must revise its been a few years and i have forgotten a lot of the streets so hopefully soon i will be back on days and spending more quality time and reconnect with my wife, as well as stopping the moaning with the help of my meds.

I am quite embarressed to be taking meds but i had reached a point i could not stop thinking about the prob and had got me really down, i know i shouldnt have let it get me this down i was surprised myself but when someone continully says they love you and then says they dont as well as all the hurtful things said and done i just folded, but one good thing is if i am this low the only way is up.

I can not thank you all enough for all your help and really do value this site, even though at times i feel that by coming on that it feeds my continual thinking of the prob, i do value it very much, i am now making an effort to stay the heck off facebook and looking at her post, they really do not help with my moaning, i am also hoping to return to my work on thursday night and feel i may have burnt my bridges there but i can only explain i have found things very hard to deal with,but as you all say i must take control over my thoughts etc, i have never ever faced such a hard thing in life as losing my wife and kids and would never wish it on anyone, i never realised the pain it causes, but hopefully its time for change thanks to all of you for your help.
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Old 7th October 2011, 11:19 AM   #348
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

i really have had enough now, this woman is driving me crazy, i know i shouldnt react but the things she is doing are mad.

One day its on the next its off, she told me last night that she can not come to me because she feels nothing sexually towards me, she thinks i am a good looking guy but thats it as she says, she hates it when i am here there is no other feeling other than a friend!!!.

She contiues to post rude comments and pictures on FB which she says are not aimed at me, some of the pictures and comments are very rude but in a roundabout sort of way.

I try to be loving towards her but most of the time she shrugs it off, only when i am super nice will she talk to me, i am not allowed to talk about us at all or she goes off on one, she would rather i was gone. So basiclly i have to sit in my own house saying nothing and not going near her in a loving way this is weird, its messing with my head, i will not leave i dont want to and by her being here i can look at her in no other way other than my wife i dont want friendship, i want to be her husband and to be able to show it.

I am truely lost, her actions do cause me pain, its not a cop out if you could see and hear what she is doing you would realise she is cruel and tormenting me she is humilating me, yeah i could leave but i really cant.
I could go out to get away from her but that wouldnt bother her she would be happy i was out of the house.

Her obsession with facebook is crazy morning before work 6.00am during the day then at night for hours, i know its just a catch up but all day.
She does have an issue the last time she spent thousands online she even called the bank to tell them to cancel her card as she couldnt stop.
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Old 7th October 2011, 01:05 PM   #349
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Shes obviously got her own problems and addictions it seems. She appears to have given up and is just living on her senses as far as I can see. It seems as if you live two seperate lives in the same house.

I'd put up with only as far as she remains sexually faithful. If the worse happens you have to do the necessary and show her the door. Don't moan. Just let her have the rope. It is really up to her to prove herself freewill. Don't lose sleep over it.

Meanwhile you need to build up your own life and get better. Go out a bit like you did before and take up an interest. As soon as you are able cut down the medicine a little as you don't want to get addicted to it.
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Old 7th October 2011, 01:44 PM   #350
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Thanks Raymond, as far as giving her the rope, thats my issue her state of mind is its over and she no longer wants to be with me her going out is tbh playing with fire but then thats her choice.

As far as the sex issue, as said she says that she cant as she no longer feels that way about me, i now get the "i love you but am not in love with you " statement, as far as i am concerned this is what this means, i love you in a caring way and always will but i dont feel attracted to you for whatever reason.

I have been busy for months now trying to work things out instead i should have just accepted the prob realising it does not matter how we got here were here now and to try to fix it, but of course without understanding how we got here i could not try to fix it, i hope that makes sense.

Her latest cruisade has been to throw out a lot of her clothes, i have just put in the bin 2 refuse bags full of her clothes that she choose to bin, i asked her if this is to replace with new but she said no, i just feel she has been acting very out of character over the last few months but can not see it, the funny thing is she is still able to have a laugh with family and friends just not me, she is doing things she never did before, this carry on with rude pictures with quotes on FB is odd, she will pass it off as just a laugh and is not directed at me but if you were to see the post you would see what i am saying, she is crude rude and downright insensitive.

I am not looking forward to this weekend, and will see what it brings, the only reason i speak to her is because of what she is doing which i find very humiliating, i find it impossible not to tell her when she is acting like this, i know if i stop reacting she will get bored with it and stop a bit like a kid i suppose.

My weekend will consist of her sitting huffing and puffing generally acting like a bratt, every word i say i will get a screwed up face and direct nasty answer or no aswer at all, if i try to be nice she still refuses to be nice back, this is a total contrast to just the other week, i am lost with this. The more she ignores me or treats me bad the more i seem to cling and want to be near her loving her.
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Old 7th October 2011, 05:07 PM   #351
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

HB
things must be really awful for you in that house. I strongly feel that you need to leave. Life is far too short to just exist which is what you are doing at the moment.I also think it is the only chance (if there is one )of saving your marriage. Living in the same house is only antagonising her and giving her the upper hand in the relationship. If you leave i reckon you could be calling her bluff and she will soon realise what she's missing. If on the other hand she doesn't at least you have made the break and are a step closer to finding happiness outside the confines of this very unhappy marriage. Staying put is only making things ten times worse.If you can't leave at least get yourself out head down the local this weekend and show her there is life away from her. Moping at home is only strengthing her resolve against you.
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Old 7th October 2011, 06:23 PM   #352
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Hi

I do sadly agree with the above, HB.

You don't seem to have been able to establish your sense of "self" away from her? There's a difference between healthy inter-dependence and co-dependency.

Your focus tends to be falling, at times, too intensely on her and her behaviour alone. In order to have a happy or happy enough marriage, you may need to be happy on your own, doing your own things as well as doing things together. If your happiness solely depends on her and her alone, then your life starts to collapse when she's not reciprocating equally.

There have been quite a few obvious, clear signs of a relationship breakdown. Your moaning is one very clear sign of this. I agree with Raymond and 39herbert. It's a heartbreaking situation. Don't you think it was about time that you asked for outside help? Talking to a Relate therapist alone may help you come to terms with the problem you have been facing. It seems that it is very clear that you need some help and advice but you haven't sought outside help from "real-time" ppl e.g. Relate etc. You have been stuck for sometime and you got to do something to unstuck yourself, somehow.

I suggest you pick up a phone and make a booking to see someone at Relate soon. You need to talk things over with a therapist. Things at home might settle over time but you may need some help and guidance from a qualified professional sooner than later.
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Old 8th October 2011, 07:59 PM   #353
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

yeah i do agree, i live my life for her and the kids and have no life of my own, thing is this it what i thought being married was to a point, because i work all week i only have a day and a half at the weekend so want to spend it with them.

Last night was a weird one, we had a drink and a laugh and believe it or not sex, well strange, but this morning i sensed a feeling of regret on her part, things were quite strained but i asked her to come out with me and our youngest to get away from the house, we went to her sisters to see her new born, we come home and i made a meal for all of us, she does seem more relaxed now, but as i have learned this can change in a heartbeat, am totally lost with her actions, one day its on the next its off and shes leaving.
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Old 9th October 2011, 07:09 PM   #354
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Yes you do get good blips now and again. Your wife however is totally unpredictable though which seriously undermines the stability of your marriage. She is tending to unfaithfulness and walking on the edge without going over it. Yet.

Joint counselling would help. All we are seeing is your point of view and not hers. I think you have to work on this wrong kind of dependency on her somehow as it is not being reciprocated and is causing you suffering. She could have a good stable marriage with you if she wanted but chooses otherwise. Marriages have to be worked on a bit but it takes two. Without her co-operation you can only work on yourself and most agree you are too dependent when she is not playing the game.

I think you need to treat her a bit like a spoiled brat and don't put your heart out to get trampled on. It is not ideal but you need some protection here. Making a life outside the marriage would help enormously just now. Being someone to be pushed around would not generate her respect I think. I am not saying to get angry just to adjust your posture in this marriage for the time being and don't allow yourself to be trampled on for your own wellbeing.
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Old 13th October 2011, 04:58 PM   #355
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

yeah here we go again, shes acting weird again, she has been on holiday this week to look after our youngest, i get up after sleeping during the day at about 2pm, as soon as i get up she goes to sleep or hardly speaks to me, am sick of it, blowing hot and cold all the time mostly cold.

I am on holiday next week for the same reason and am away to revise my streets to go back in a taxi as i have had enough sacrificing my life working nights all i do is sleep and work and treated like a dog when i am home and round her, so next week i think i will start the procedure of going self employed and back on a dayshift pattern, i can pick and choose when i work but obviously only to a certain extent, i will be home at teatime which may cause her probs but i am sorry i need a life back.

I get the impression that as long as i go to work at night and bring home the pay she is quite happy as i am not round her, she doesnt mind me working nights but i now hate it for many reasons not just this, i get nothing but grief at work and as said have no life whatsoever, i am worried that i may struggle some weeks as the nature of being self employed means income will change every week but i have to do something for me.
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Old 13th October 2011, 05:38 PM   #356
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken View Post
but obviously only to a certain extent, i will be home at teatime which may cause her probs but i am sorry i need a life back.

I get the impression that as long as i go to work at night and bring home the pay she is quite happy as i am not round her, she doesnt mind me working nights but i now hate it for many reasons not just this, i get nothing but grief at work and as said have no life whatsoever, i am worried that i may struggle some weeks as the nature of being self employed means income will change every week but i have to do something for me.
Hi HB

I quite agree with what Raymond says. Your wife is acting like a br*t.

It's obvious that your w wants you to stay away from home so that she can play freely whilst you are away at work at night. Don't even think about apologizing to her or anyone else for getting your own life back.

It's not much of a marriage if the reason for her to stay with you is money/a roof over her head and she is so pleased that you are absent in the evening/all night! (Some reality check might be in order?)

Hope you will be much happier in your day job.
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Old 13th October 2011, 05:51 PM   #357
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Dear HB...

I have read these posts for some time and wonder why the two of you are locked into such unhealthy patterns which repeat. It is true that you being gone nights enables her behavior and freedom and your paycheck is appreciated. The throwing out of the clothes tells me she lightens the bags she might need if she packs to go live with someone else.

It seems you are stilting yourself with some kind of drugs to "get you through emotionally" and that is of concern. You aren't able to cope well as you have taken a lot of time of from work as you report. I am not sympathetic to your medicating yourself into senseless behavior or emotional inability to cope with normal life problems. I suspect you are drug dependent at this time. One doesn't know what you take , how much or if you obtain these legally. Anyone bombed on drugs to get through a day has a problem and everybody around them is affected. Most people this dependent take no responsibility for the problems in other relationships. How much money goes to the drugs or are these prescribed legally?

If you go back on days that would be better but frankly, I think will increase the conflict as she won't have the freedom she has now with you gone. There is also the erratic income.
Your life is all drama and no peace. The sex here was "mercy sex" basically that is when one throws the dog a bone so they stop barking for awhile. That is a way to placate the situation until she is better able to make future plans.

I do agree you need emotional counselling. You are fragile and over emotional and highly dependent. None of that is going to get you respect or improve the situation there. I think she would be gone if she could. You are in a temporary holding pattern because of the financial picture. If she could make it alone, then that is how she wants it.

I totally disagree with the calling the police in the last drama! That was a poor decision and way to bring in outside muscle to make her behave. It just aggravates the situation and makes you both seem like fools. If there are children in the middle of that mess, I hope they didn't witness that scene.

As a couple, you are done. You simply co-exist until the next blowup. Get some counselling and find a way to end that terribly flawed marriage. You have outgrown each other. I think the job problems and pills or whatever you take for your breakdown moments, are real signs of personal crisis you need to address. I think you are a co-dependent pair with all the drama that goes with such disparity in two personalities. Take care to do what you can for the children because they may repeat your patterns in their adult lives.

About her party times and excess social media time. Totally unacceptable. The next time she comes in at 3AM after partying evening, I would see the locks get changed and she doesn't get back inside. That is why you do need to work day shift. When you begin to work days you can expect the marriage to get worse or you will end it, because the only reason it lasted this long is because you are not around. She can hang out at all hours as you aren't there. Be there and see what develops. Working normal hours means that marriage gets on track or it doesn't. In my opinion....it is over.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th October 2011 at 04:00 AM.
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Old 14th October 2011, 10:05 PM   #358
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I aint too happy with the last post, my medication was prescribed by a doctor and only after months and months of mental torment, they dont numb me just help slightly, but i thank you for your concern.

My wife as of today has yet again left for goodness know how many times now, she took all her clothes and my youngest.

She had said something last night before i left for work, something very bad i aint going into detail and of course she did say sorry afterwards but it was the final straw for me, i went to work and returned this morning, i then went to sleep and got up around 2.30pm, i then asked her what she was intending doing as i could not put up with her behaviour anymore, she said she was not sure but would be leving at some point, when it was convenient for her clothes etc to be picked up, i then said she needed to sort this out asap as i was no on holiday and would like closure either way as it seriously affects my job so sooner rather than later, she then said she would pack, within a few hours she left.

As i am on holiday next week i am going to now go for a job again back in the taxi trade i really have had it with nights, the only reason i stuck it so long was for my family and there needs without them i have no interest in this job now, so will go see about getting myself back into it asap, within 2 weeks, i will be self employed again and free to work as many hours as i want, or as little but i will need to make a living in order to keep my house.

Just to clarify i would never use illegal drugs, nor dope my self up as to not deal with the real probs of life, i am a realist most of the time and do deal with lifes issues, but this one for me was a biggie and i really do feel from the start i went into shock or something as i really didnt expect it. Some of us are better equiped to deal with relationship probs and for the most part i did just not this one one, i have never loved anyone else before so was new to me to have to deal with this, she was and is the only love of my life and would do anything for her, maybe living on my own something i have never done will help me, i dont know but now i have no option, or give up the latter is not my usual stance.
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Old 15th October 2011, 02:22 AM   #359
chosen
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

hb sometimes we all need a little help to get through terrible times. Some tablets prescribed by our doctor can be a real help. I do agree with you that you need this situation to end one way or another.Its the uncertainly that makes it harder.
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Old 15th October 2011, 03:06 AM   #360
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

it does help not much but takes the edge off.

I know its very early days but in my mind i am doing what i did before, feeling bad that my son is living at his nanas, one bedroom flat.

I feel terrible being in this house and him being there, him out of his home granted it is not all my fault and what his mother wanted, to leave but he shouldnt have to suffer like this, and again i am thinking i should leave myself, been here before and kept bounching back and fore.

I have a heart and feel for my youngest son, having to stay there without his creature comforts he really has had a rough ride over the months, i am guilt ridden am i jumping the gun, should i wait a few days, omg here we go again i just cant decide. I also can not allow any other guy to live in my house not that i think it would happen right away but i would imagine in time it would i really dont know.

All i know is i feel guilty, i love my kids as well as my wife and no matter i feel i am in the wrong, she has been acting bad yeah but do they deserve to be homeless, not that i forced her just that should couldnt live with me anymore, she could have made it work but decided she couldnt, is this such a crime, am i being selfish, she wanted to leave but only because she had no other choice, her alternative was to stay here with me.

Maybe theres more of a chance of her wanting to be with me in this house if i stay here, she may come to her senses and come home, do you guys think this way is best or do i make the move and go to my mothers hoping that one day she will realise, thinking i am a good guy by moving on letting her have the house. God this is hard.

I dont own this house its rented so really have nothing to lose.
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