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Old 28th March 2012, 12:03 PM   #1
Livilegs
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My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Hi, I'm posting here for the first time and I'm not even sure if it's going to end up in the right place, but I'm giving it a shot!
I've been married for nearly 12 years it hasn't been perfect but for the majority of it it was ok I suppose . But things are now desperate!
Going back to the beginning of our relationship (about 1 year in) I got pregnant to our delight,, I got to about 6 weeks and I noticed I was bleeding, cutting it short I rang my husband and told him to come and take me to the hospital( he was at work) he came to pick me up and drove me there,,, and then just drove away telling me he had to give the boys a lift home from work! I stood there speechless as I watched him drive away! How could he do that to me , I was stood loosing OUR baby and he just drove away! I went in alone, and I came out alone ! I asked him how he could do it to me if he loved me? His response was,,, he f***ed up!
anyway I got back on the horse and tried for another baby,, I got pregnancy again and low and behold it was twins ! I was over the moon,, 8 weeks into the pregnancy I miscarried,,, ( all of this was happening without my husbands emotional support) .about a week later I received a letter from the hospital saying I needed to go in for a chat, I went (husbandless again) to be told 1 of the embryos had attached to my womb and in effect it had the potential to turn into cancer,, it was a lot to take in ,, for 2 years I had to pee in a jug and send samples to the hospital for them to check,, eventually I got the all clear,,
So on we went again,, pregnant for the 3rd time,, eventually we got a son ,, I was told by the specialists that he was a miracle because it turns out my husband has " broken sperm" e
Enough was enough my body had been through enough I wasn't asking it to go through anymore, but stupidly I fell pregnant again,, the sheer fear I felt was beyond belief, I made a decision to abort,, the doctors had said I could end up with a severely disabled child , Infact they could believe my son came out perfectly healthy. I went for an abortion again without my husband present he has never forgave me for this but I was willing to take that chance I couldn't go through anymore anguish and worrying through another pregnancy!
I have many different examples of in the most difficult situations in our marriage ,,but it all comes down to the same thing, my husband has never ever been supportive to my needs, I don't even think he can identify when he has to step up to the mark so to speak,,,, this has led me to resent him,,ive become bitter and angry towards him,,, I've explained every situation and problem we have had to him,, and yet he still refuses to be apart of the marriage on an emotional level. I feel ignored, abandoned and extremely lonely he seems to think that once married that's it, u don't need to do anything to keep the relationship alive!
Anyway now due to his ignorance and Stupidity I am to the point of I'm ready to walk, his way of dealing with things is to just sweep it under the carpet and forget about it, well I'm not prepared to do that! This will probably bring a few laughs when you read the next I'm actually laughing writing it,,, the other night decided to shave my lady garden and put some sexy undies on ect, just to try and attempt to spice up our sex life and surprise him! To my absolute shock and horror HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE what I had done,, how could he not notice? His head was there for gods sake! I actually had to ask him had he noticed and just didn't comment or could he really so me so little attention ? I come up with the conclusion that he shows me no attention whatsoever and over the years it's got me to where I am now! I'm so confused, I've tried to make him see the error of his ways and I've given him time to learn to change to accommodate my emotional needs but he refuses where do I go from here ? Thanks for listening
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Old 28th March 2012, 01:05 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Hi Livilegs. Everything is about the shortcomings of your husband but as he is not the one asking for help I don't see what we can do. We can agree with you of course but where is that going?

Does he have any good points? You must have seen some when you married him. It is very easy to see our spouses bad points and see the glass half empty instead of half full. I would encourage his good points where he is trying. You have to start from where you are. Your verbal encouragement can do a lot of good whereas criticism can kill a marriage.

He is not a machine and there are no set formulas. He is an individual with his own particular love language. Find out what that is and you will get responses.
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Old 28th March 2012, 01:22 PM   #3
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Hi Raymond,, thanks for the reply, you're right I am looking at the glass from a half empty aspect, this is because for years I've been trying to keep us on the right track, he hast hurt me to the core so badly but the thing is he keeps doing it,, I'm trying to find a way to try to involve him more in our relationship But he seems disinterested in trying, he's a very quiet non communicative man, he just plods along with his head up his backside not taking notice of what's happening around him, he doesn't like confrontation , getting a conversation from him is like trying to get blood from a stone. As you said, he isn't the one looking for help he wouldn't dream of it he would rather lose his marriage that ask for help it seems,, I've asked him to talk to other married men ect but he won't, he's far too proud to let anybody think there is something going wrong with his marriage!
So here I am trawling through marriage sites trying to find the answer as to what to do and how to attempt to repair all the damage that's been done. He says he loves me but he doesn't actually know how to show it and in all honesty I don't feel it
I've tried talking calmly and explaining things to him .... I've tried the screaming approach,,, I've tried backing off till he's ready to talk about things I don't think there's much I haven't tried but nothing seems to work,, now he can't understand why I'm ready to walk away as much as I don't want to .
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Old 28th March 2012, 02:58 PM   #4
Forever
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Does he have Aspergers? Some people have a milder form of the disorder...they appear normal and quite capable of most things, but when it comes to expressing things or noticing things that should seem appropriate or obvious to the average person, they miss the mark nearly every time...unintentionally.

Before you start thinking seriously about tossing him, I would google it and see if there is any possibility that he has this.

Last edited by Forever; 28th March 2012 at 03:07 PM.
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Old 28th March 2012, 03:03 PM   #5
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Not that I'm aware of , I don't actually know what that is in all honesty, I think he just can't show affection
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Old 28th March 2012, 03:28 PM   #6
Forever
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Please do yourself a favor and do a little research on it. He sounds like he has it...is showing classic behaviors of it. Many times, it is often confused with ADD...but it isnt. My son has it. He is twenty and one of the things that is common is the inability to "connect" emotionally with those close to them. They come off as arrogant or uncaring...when in fact, they are clueless about how to empathize with others.

They hate confrontation or harsh words, and live in a kind of self absorbed fog. They can perform, but cannot comprehend the emotional needs of others...so they get it wrong most times. They are usually above average in intelligence...but below average in social skills. They are often confused about what is expected of them in an intimate relationship. They are usually very "black or white" about things...very moral and task oriented. They do not feel safe with emotions...simply because they have a hard time understanding them...even their own.

Last edited by Forever; 28th March 2012 at 03:33 PM.
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Old 28th March 2012, 03:41 PM   #7
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Thanks forever, I will certainly have a nose on google about it , but in how would I go about getting things sorted for him though,, my eldest child ( she's 15) and has just been diagnosed with ADHD even though that's not what she has, but that's a different story , but it basically took me 6 years of fighting just to get an appointment for her to see a psychiatrist! Who would we go to see to check if there was an underlying problem he has?
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Old 28th March 2012, 03:53 PM   #8
Forever
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

I do not know, you could present it to your family doctor perhaps...the way I found out about my son (who was diagosed with ADD (but isnt) was that my step daughter was working with special needs children several years ago. She came home one day and said..."I think I know what is wrong with your son". Sure enough, after doing alot of research, she had nailed it. It had eluded me for years...but I knew something was just not right about him and that ADD was NOT it.

It is a mild form of Autism...and explained so many many things about how he can so easily miss things that others normally take for granted. My son does well with his friends...simply because they are all male and easy for him to relate to. Even so, they do not get very "personal"...they are just gaming buddies, but dont get emotional with each other...just task or fun orientated..rarely getting emotional or personal.

He also does well with "lists". Can remember to do things well as long as he has a list to follow or clear cut directions. He works hard when he knows what is expected of him. He is laid back and quiet mannered...he just cannot get a "read" on emotional or social things unless he has it pointed out to him (in a kind way).

Last edited by Forever; 28th March 2012 at 04:04 PM.
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Old 28th March 2012, 05:42 PM   #9
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

It does almost sound like your talking about my husband in all honesty, my husband does lists, he is so very forgetful about everything, I encourage him to sort his " next days plans" the night before,, but heres just another example of his behaviour,,
He is not from England, he is Serbian , the very first time I went over there we travelled separately, I was meeting all of his family for the very first time, I didn't speak Serbian and they didn't speak English, ( he had also been married before his first wife died at 28 with non hodgkins and she was part of their family which I nderstand completely) anyway he picked me up from The airport to inform me that his uncle had died and he was going to the funeral,, little did I know the funeral would last for 5 days! He just left me there with my daughter and expected me to get on with it, then he wondered why I was pissed when he returned back! He was packed and gone within an hour of me arriving! Am I not meant to get upset about this? Am I meant to think he loves me with all of his heart? And then why does he wonder why I complain about things! How do I get through to him that he's doing strange things constantly and he can't just expect me not to get angry over it! Where does it stop? Am I meant to allow him to carry on doing these horrible things to me or do I walk and not look back!really feel like I'm sick of trying to keep us on track
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Old 28th March 2012, 05:44 PM   #10
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Oh forgot to mention that his nieces didn't like the trout of a new woman in his life so his family wasn't really keen on me
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Old 28th March 2012, 05:47 PM   #11
1aokgal
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Dear Livilegs...

Welcome to the site. It would be great if there was a pigeonhole illness we could ascribe to your husband. Then one could medicate it or understand it. You are having an emotional liftoff and he is going about his life focused somewhere else. I can pigeonhole one term. He is a MAN. Many men are insulated against all things, while they do MAN stuff, as watch the game, have a beer, and meanwhile....you are miscarrying , aborting, and feeling all alone in the world. One thing you haven't got with your man is communication.

You talk AT him, you scream AT him, and maybe you curse him (under your breath), but you both are on a different wave lengths. While he says he loves you, he hasn't been with you where it counted, emotionally understanding where you have been. I suggest you make a date for talking. That means you suggest the TV goes off, you choose a subject , and you talk about it. Make a nice dinner..kids in bed or out.

You use feeling words as "When you do this, I feel this way." This is not a time for you to rant about issues that can't be changed..yesterday. It is not about the miscarriage or past events. That can't now be changed. You are in todays' space. I suggest you tell him what would be important for you TODAY. Does he give a hand in the kitchen? Does he handle finances or do you? Do you have some goals and what does he do that you actually approve of? Is there anything you like about this man? I think you must adjust your thinking to give some rewards for good things he does do for you. You will get no altered behavior, if he sees no reward for change. Nobody changes unless there is a reward (carrot) at the finish line.

He doesn't booze, drug, fool around or abuse you, does he? Give him one carrot. Then you start to give him credit for other things. It sounds like he does things for the kids..as pick them up..at a wrong time, perhaps ..but at least, it mattered his kids needed a ride. Maybe that is two carrots. I urge you to soften your rhetoric and work to soften you, so he does hear you. The sex issue with your extra effort? Turn the lights on next time. He may be short sighted, even with a closeup view!

Men are really aggravating and working on what you have is going to be easier than to blow off this marriage because you are angry at past injuries. Time to face up to the issues that men don't feel/think as we do. You probably have a decent man and he just needs some work.

I married a foreigner also and quickly, in 25 days. I didn't speak the language at that time with his family. They have always been kind, even when we didn't do well at communicating in their language. It just was not easy. I am sure they would have preferred a woman who was "home grown." Sometimes we two run into culteral differences, but mostly I love/like him after 32 years. I make allowances for his spacey memory and his lousy repair jobs. I go ahead and hire a repairman, instead of live with his jury rigs. These are things I understand about him. Maybe you learn more about his culteral norms and it will be easier to live with. Since your husband has typical male forgetfulness and such..that is still not a reason to decide the marriage isn't working. I do think a woman has to do the lions' share of the work!

You could work on HOW you communicate because your husband will shut you out when you rant. Be softer, be a little kinder, and it might help assist some better communication. Then you may need to make time for two of you on a date night out on a regular basis. Married people should still get a dance night or date night when they work on really appreciating the person you are married to. Wear something special and talk about no kids and no probelms. How long has it been you both had time out? You can change the dynamics if you change YOU a little. Do you like him at all?

Please don't place blame for past mistakes. That is one song best unplayed. Today can be wonderful for you both. He tells you he loves you. You can't believe how fortunate that makes you in todays' world! Do not throw your marriage away with both hands for a bird in the tree. Take what you have and make it better!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th March 2012 at 06:07 PM.
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Old 28th March 2012, 06:41 PM   #12
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Twice I've wrote a reply and twice it's told me in not logged in grrr and what I wrote could nly be described as short books! I will post later when I've charged this thing,, but thank u 1aokgal for your response, I read it 3 times and have some really good points ! I'm gutted it all didn't post :-/
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Old 28th March 2012, 08:01 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Your poor thing Livilegs. This happens a lot when one is timed out. I always copy and paste now in case I lose it.

It may be worth looking into this Aspergers thing that Forever mentioned. Usually these types are very technical and good at mending computers and other technical things. I think one of my sons might have a touch of it. He seems happily married but I notice that most of the touch and cuddling is instigated by her. She knew he was like that before she married him and does seem happy. I noticed that he likes individual sports as opposed to team games. If you found out that it was, you would still have to adjust to it but at least you would understand where he is coming from.

As a man I don't like this carrot thing and am a bit offended by it to be honest as it smacks of control to me. People change because they want to and usually because they see it. Listening is good because one can see where they are going wrong. Encouragement is good also but done in love and not control. There is obviously a communication problem there and this is the thing that should be majored on I feel.

You say he is too proud to admit that he has a marriage problem but in a sense at least this shows that he values having a good marriage so there is hope there I feel. He just needs to face the fact that he doesn't have a good marriage and to start working on it. Usually the way forward on these things is not to brow beat him but to say how you feel. It means starting sentences with I feel instead of you always. If he does have Aspergers granted that may be a problem but we haven't established this as yet.
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Old 28th March 2012, 08:53 PM   #14
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

Ok fourth time lucky,,, it happened again :-/ thanks 1aokgal,, I am talking at him now because when I try talk with him he hears me but he doesn't listen,, he's actually managed to get me to the point of screaming to be heard which again hasn't worked,,, I knew it wouldn't but if eel I've tried everything within my power,, where am I meant to draw the line at his behaviour and what he expects me to just"deal with" would he go have an affair and say sorry it was a mistake and I must forgive and forget and sweep it under the rug never to be aired again? He doesn't interact with the kids unless they instigate it and then his answer is no,,, it's only when I say I think you should go do something with your son ,,( after all I put myself through a living hell to give us him, the least he could do is appreciate him) he doesn't even converse with the kids
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Old 28th March 2012, 09:00 PM   #15
Livilegs
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Re: My marriage is at rock bottom help!

I'm carring on I didn't wanna lose what I had written again!
I sort all the finances,, even mortgage hunting and I'm no expert, I look after the house completely, apart from emptying the bins, I sort the kids , the problems,, I also have 2 very Ill parents to care for on a daily basis,, my dad has been in a wheelchair for 15 years after suffering a stroke , now he has dimentsia setting in ,, and my mum is suffering depression and just wants to go to sleep and not wake up cs she's so depressed from the way my pops is treating her ! I just feel like he has let me down on so many levels and he doesn't even seem bothered about it ! Funny thing is because he has always kept his emotions locked in a place nobody gets to see i don't even know if I'm right to be thinking his way? The put up and shut up just isn't a healthy path t chose,, and yet he keeps insisting on doing it!
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