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Old 10th January 2011, 04:48 PM   #1
Ocean Penelope
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2
My husband's gone

Hi,

I am sadly new here. I was looking around to find a place where to relieve myself of all the pain and sadness I feel.

I love my husband with all my heart. He is not here anymore, there's a jerk in his body, and I feel lost.

We've always loved each other as deeply as you can, we've been living together since 2006, we've been married for 2 years now and also have a wonderful 2-year-old son.
We've had some practical problems last year, we changed the house we're living in 3 times in 2 months, have had some money trouble, but through that we've always supported and loved each other.
Then, out of the blue, on Dec 21st, he told me he doesn't love me anymore and he wants to separate.
I felt devastated, obviously. Especially when the day after I found out he's been seeing someone else. It's a very recent thing, started in December. He's been telling a lot of lies to his family, especially to his father and sister. That he still loves me and just wants to shake me up, as in these last 2 years all my attention and focus have been concentrated on our son, and that he felt that I let him, the house, everything else go.
This is true to some extent, but it was a choice we both made. He asked me to be a stay at home mom, and I agreed. I always tried to give him all my love, anyway, through little things here and there, and our sex life has never ever resented anything.
But I guess he's completely lost his mind. He found someone easy who told him what he wanted to hear, and he just lost it.
He's not new to such things, sadly.
Before meeting me, he was in a long term relationship, they were deciding when to marry, when he left this girl for another, out of the blue again. He immediately went to live with the other girl, and just some months later he realised he made a big mistake and tried to go back to the other one, who never took him back.
Later on he met me, and we fell in love. We've always been highly compatible in every way. I know the first years of a baby's life can have an impact on married life, but I always thought we would have the guts to work any problem out. I was wrong, he doesn't.
In these weeks he's always been going to her or to me, depending on what he felt like. He still made love to me, many times, I thought we just need time to work things out and I've tried to keep as calm and cool as possible.
For instance, on friday we went to a party with his colleagues, came back home and made love, on saturday he went out and came back home at 4 am... and yesterday we went to his parents' house together.
This is a nightmare, and it cannot go on like this.
His father argued with him, he tried to put all the blame on me, saying he got tired of me thinking only of the child, but his father knows he's been seeing (and f***ing) someone else on the side, and wouldn't take it.
He left his pc open when he was arguing with his father. His mother and sister insisted that we check his skype messages, and they couldn't believe their own eyes.
This woman is a total wh*re, just as bad as he is, he wrote her words like "the bi*ch has told everyone I'm seeing you, now I have to convince my father she's the one to blame, so I can have his material support" and she replied "yes you will, ahahah", and he continued with "my mother's awful, my father always worked out problems with her because he's convinced this is how you have to do when you're married". She asked him "but won't you have your sister's support?" "She's the greatest as*hole of them all" he replied.
My mother in law and sister in law were just shocked.
It's been awful, but thankfully they fully support me now, and asked me not to grant him the joint custody of the child because he doesn't deserve it.
It was also clear by their conversation that this woman doesn't know he's still been sleeping with me and making long term arrangements with me.

We agreed to go to meet his lawyer this week, but tomorrow I'll be first seeing another lawyer, to make sure they will not trick me.

If this is something like the crisis he went through years before, I believe he'll wake up in a few months and ask himself "what the hell did I do?"
I know this is not my husband, this is someone who has lost his mind.
Maybe, when he will not be having his wife's love, his child everyday, and the support of his family, this time he may even learn a lesson.

I feel sad, deeply sad.
I want my husband back, but not this jerk. This can go wherever he cares, I don't mind. I just hope someday my husband will wake up from this "coma". Maybe I could forgive, but now I have to show him I don't need him, and don't want him, otherwise he'll never realise what he's done and what he's losing.

I'm trying to be calm and strong for my child, but sometimes I just feel so sad it's hard to breathe.

I'm italian and English is my second language, so if I made some mistakes here and there, please understand.


Ellie
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Old 10th January 2011, 07:32 PM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My husband's gone

You write very good English Ellie.

This is very sad. He has obviously been trying to deceive and do adultery. This a betrayal of the intimacy you are supposed to enjoy.

If you have faith that he is not like that then what is making him like that? Is it drinking, internet porn or just dating immoral women? If one plays with fire then you will get burnt.

My advice is to see your lawyer and make sure he/she knows everything about what he has been doing. If he ever repents and begs for forgiveness you can deal with it then. Meanwhile you have to take care of your son and need a good settlement if this thing proceeds.

This is very sad but you are not left with much option it seems.
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Old 10th January 2011, 07:52 PM   #3
Ocean Penelope
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2
Re: My husband's gone

Thanks for your support, Raymond.
In these last months he made a strong friendship with a male coworker. He is married and has a small child, too, but I never liked his attitude, he's one who's always making comments on other women, even with his child around.
Last time I saw his wife, last friday, we found each other alone, and we talked. I told her about my troubles, she was shocked, and she told me they're going through a very similar situation.
So, I guess this friendship may have driven him further from his usual self, and it saddens me even more.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my lawyer and on Wednesday we'll see his lawyer, together. I just want him out, so that I can concentrate on my son, the house, my life, without having to see what is to me just the corpse of my husband each day. And I know if there's a chance he will ever wake back up, it will be only when he realises and misses what he's lost.

I miss my husband.

I go through sad or angry moods all the time, it's devastating.
I try not to cry or scream in front of my little boy, but it happened a couple of times. He came near, hugged me and kissed me. My adorable little man. I'm so sad for him, he'd really deserve to have his loving family back.
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Old 10th January 2011, 10:17 PM   #4
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My husband's gone

It looks like they are egging each other on about other women Ellie. Toxic relationship you could say. Probably helped by drink.

I hope in this process of separation you are going through that he will realise what is happening in himself and how much it will cost him and his child. I pray that his eyes will be opened to see the devastation he is causing.
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Old 16th May 2016, 12:33 PM   #5
ralfgarnett
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: My husband's gone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ocean Penelope View Post
Thanks for your support, Raymond.
In these last months he made a strong friendship with a male coworker. He is married and has a small child, too, but I never liked his attitude, he's one who's always making comments on other women, even with his child around.
Last time I saw his wife, last friday, we found each other alone, and we talked. I told her about my troubles, she was shocked, and she told me they're going through a very similar situation.
So, I guess this friendship may have driven him further from his usual self, and it saddens me even more.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my lawyer and on Wednesday we'll see his lawyer, together. I just want him out, so that I can concentrate on my son, the house, my life, without having to see what is to me just the corpse of my husband each day. And I know if there's a chance he will ever wake back up, it will be only when he realises and misses what he's lost.

I miss my husband.

I go through sad or angry moods all the time, it's devastating.
I try not to cry or scream in front of my little boy, but it happened a couple of times. He came near, hugged me and kissed me. My adorable little man. I'm so sad for him, he'd really deserve to have his loving family back.
I am sorry Ellie that you are going through this, but you call him a jerk yet your still sleeping with him ?, he is having the best of both worlds right now, it is none of my business but do you think it right that your still sleeping with him ?, he is using you and disrespecting you, maybe it would be worthwhile thinking this through, meanwhile good luck you deserve much better.
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