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Old 25th October 2010, 10:09 AM   #1
lonelyD
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Loveless marriage without children

I met my wife while on holiday in Brazil. We had a very short (4 months) long-distance relationship then we decided to get married. My motivation to get married after such a short time was largely due to the distance and the fact I was very lonely and feeling my life was passing by. I realised almost immediately after we had spent any significant time together that I didn't know the real person. I soon realised I didn't like her personality or qualities and realised it was just infatuation and I didn't love her at all. I was honest and open with her about my feelings from the time I started to have difficulty with how I was feeling. It's been 4 years now and I just feel completely hollow and having physical relations doesn't feel at all natural and feels burdensome as there is really no passion or love felt. She wants to stay in the relationship and is pressuring me more and more to have children. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm staying in this because of religious principles, but I feel so hollow and alone being with someone I don't even particularly like, never mind love.

What do I do in such a situation where I genuinely want to respect my Chrsitian principles, but am sad inside at the situation in which I find myself?
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Old 25th October 2010, 01:23 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Loveless marriage without children

I think you should learn to love her. She has taken you at your word and committed her life to you. Otherwise you will be in a position of using her, marrying her and dumping her. If she measured up to your infatuation then she should be worth your commitment which is what marriage is. I don't think there is an honourable way out if she is faithful. I think you have a chance of learning what true love is and you owe it to her don't you think?

When God says love your wives He didn't say only if you are in love with them. Besides the honeymoon period only lasts for two years at the most. The period where we just feel in love regardless. As time goes on that love will change to a more deeper and truer love which doesn't depend on infatuation. That is a far more dependable love as you are loving her for who she is and if need be on purpose. That kind of love can last forever.

Last edited by Raymond; 25th October 2010 at 01:31 PM.
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Old 25th October 2010, 01:57 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Loveless marriage without children

Raymond I am glad that you replied first because I honestly did not know what to say, but my feeling is the same as yours, that the promises made are for life and you can learn to love and treat someone as if you love them and the feelings will often follow. Many people in history and today have had arranged marriages, and I am sure that many of these marriages werent filled with the lovely dovey sort of love, but based on committment and working together for life.
This is also a stark reminder that marrying a person that you barely know, is a disaster waiting to happen.
As you say, love is a commandment and not a feeling. of course its easier to do if you feel it, but how many couples feel that love year after year after year, but still we are told to love and respect. I guess we can only do that with Gods help.

lonelyd, ask God to change the way you feel towards your wife, and begin to treat her 'as if' you loved her.
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Old 25th October 2010, 06:40 PM   #4
lonelyD
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Re: Loveless marriage without children

I would like to thank you both for your advice. You have helped me see things from a different perspective, perhaps showing the selfish way I have been viewing the relationship until now. It is true that some situations can only be helped with God's help and he gives us much direction to help us build a bond together. I have been trying this for the last few years, but it is always a struggle. It always becomes a larger issue whenever she pressures me about having children, as this is when everything comes to light once again. I must say it has not been healthy, since any other major commitments such as purchasing a house together have never been followed through because of my inward feeling that the relationship was not sustainable.

I will continue trying, this time perhaps more wholeheartedly and determined to try to make it work no matter what. I have read the same advice about "treating someone as if we love them and the heart will follow" before and I must say I will have to try this to see if it will help.
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Old 25th October 2010, 07:23 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Loveless marriage without children

It sounds from your last post as if you have been holding back on her because you felt it was going to end. Maybe if you act as if it is never going to end and buy a house etc then you will feel more committment to her and the marriage?I am sure that if we all felt that our marriages were going to be for life we would all act differently and put more into them?

I can understand about the children thing as that is a huge step, but she is your wife and its only natural that she desires to have children.

Tell God all that you have said here and pour it all out, and ask for his help, wisdom and strength. Be open and honest with Him, after all, He knows anyway.Nothing is too hard for Him.
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Old 26th October 2010, 03:10 AM   #6
DaMarried
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Re: Loveless marriage without children

I was going to say something similar to what Raymond said.

If you are in Christ, God has given you everything you need for life and godliness. Part of godliness is loving your wife as Christ loved the church, who gave His life for her. You should keep praying to love your wife more. And you need to invest in the relationship.

Christ taught about finances that where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. If you think about that principle, it has some application to your relationship as well. When people invest emotionally into something, they care more about it.

It sounds like you have been holding out on your wife, not wanting to buy a house or have kids because you feel like the relationship is temporary. You need to invest yourself more into your relationship, emotionally. I won't tell you to borrow money to buy a house, but you certainly should let a feeling that the relationship is temporary be the reason not to, especially if she is faithfully committed to you as a husband. And it is a wife's right to ask for physical relations and to have children. You should not withhold those things from your wife. Invest in the physical relations aspect of your relationship-- put in more time and effort if need be. Try to work on stirring up the passion. If you do this without birth control, the children issue just might take care of itself.

You are grown up now. You aren't dating looking for a wife. You have a wife. Get on with your life.
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