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Old 8th January 2010, 10:05 PM   #1
koliver0821
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Understanding the need for Space?

I'm curious does any one have any way to help me understand the need for space? I've been married for 10 years and together for 13. I have 4 kids all under the age of 9. We do not have a sound financial profile. We both made really bad mistakes financially that has caused a ton of stress as well. My wife decided on Monday that she needed space. In some ways I feel like I pushed her to that decision and Ill try to explain that. Its not like we haven't had relations either. In fact, our sex life has been just as good as our dating days.

We had an emotional last few days. I've been feeling down for the last couple of months and really cant explain why. I started questioning my wife's need to go out wiht her friends all the time. What is funny, is that my wife never wanted to go out. I never really understood why that was. I always encouraged her to go out from time to time. Since we have 4 kids, I think it would be beneficial that she has a little "ME" time. I guess I never thought i would have to say something about it to her. Unfortunately when I did, it sounded like selfishness. I would say that I never go out and its not fair. Kinda immature now that I reflect on it.

In our last discussion of our relationship, it wasn't really a fight. It was definitely an emotional discussion of where we were. We both hadn't been sleeping (Partly because she works weekend nights 7p-7a) and for me just for the all the emotions i've been dealing with over the holidays. At the end of the day, I thought I pushed her to a breaking point. I asked her if she needed space and she said she didnt know. So instead of re-treating and taking a breathe i pressed forward and she thought she needed space to find out if she really loved me. Of course, it hurt. TONS. I tried getting up right then to just get some stuff and maybe run out of the house but she grabbed me and told me not to leave. I wasn't sure if she wanted me to really leave or if she was simply trying not to hurt my feelings. I was crying like a baby to be completely honest. I agreed that I would give her space and packed a few things. I still slept in our bed that night holding her the entire time. I never went to sleep but just sat their in our bed. I woke up early to make the kids lunches for school and left for work. I was hurting the entire day. She must have called me 4 times, texted me a few times etc. I wasn't sure if she wanted to talk or she was just checking up on me.

We are still talking but I don't know what to do. Im completely in love with her. In the space that I had (even though I didnt want it) I realized what a mess I was and maybe came to the resolution that I wasn't quite the husband I should be.

Im not looking for the magic potion that will allow the door to my house to be opened once again. Yesterday was really tough day for me. i woke up trying to resolute with the idea of space for her. I was trying for once to see it through her eyes so I was going to try and ignore her phone calls. But when im at work, I ahve no way to do that. and when i talked to her, I was breaking down. The kids were breaking down a little as well. my oldest daughter (9) was clutching my hat at night to go to sleep. I tried to be strong and not cry on the phone but I was unable to do so. What is really odd is that I never was like that before. She invited me over and I kissed and hugged my kids. we talked some trying to keep it light but also trying to adjust the issues we had. It was obvious that she wasn't sleeping much since I left. So I told her to go grab some sleep. (needless to say I wasn't sleeping as well) I played with my kids and helped straigten up around the house. (Something I never really for a large portion of our relationship. Man am I an idiot) and it turned into one of the best days we had in a long time.

But the question still remains, how do I handle space? what is the right thing to do? I don't think I can cutoff communication with her. What I am trying to do is make sure I dont talk about our issues when we do speak on the phone. trying to be strong and supportive even though its killing me inside.

My wife has given me some feedback. She didnt think I would take the whole need for space thing as bad as I have. I guess that tells me a few things as well. One, it proves to me that I need this woman in my life. Not because of the space. It guess it also proved that even though I told her I loved her all the time, that I did a poor job of actually showing her.

Ive been asked by all my friends when ive told them "if she cheated on me?" I've never been the type to question people on it but I'll admit it has crossed my mind before. She says she hasn't and I truly do believe her. I guess part of me getting to this point was to have her validate her love for me. I guess it would be unfair to me, to be in marriage if she truly didnt love me. Especially considering how much I love her.

Feel free to ask as many questions as you want to me. Ill try and fill in any blanks I can. the day I went to visit her I felt was a huge turning point in my life. Mainly because I realize I wasn't the person I thought I was. I've been trying to be truthful with my feelings in all my dealings since. I guess it was time for me to hear the ugly truth and start becoming a man instead of being grown up child......

Sorry for babbling
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Old 9th January 2010, 12:59 AM   #2
dalesman
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

Hi K
I'm never convinced that a few days or weeks "space" is a good thing for a marriage as this only puts a physical distance between a coupe as well as an emotional distance. Those few weeks apart very often becomes permanent and talking through your problems becomes more difficult. Also the added stress makes sorting out the original problem worse. There is also a temptation to meet someone else when you have physically separated.

It does sound as though you might have left home when you didn't need to and the fact that your wife is calling you all the time is a good sign that she still wants you. If I were you mate I would make every attempt to return home asap and try to sort out your problems together . From what you have said I think there is every chance you can do this
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Old 9th January 2010, 04:47 AM   #3
koliver0821
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

Thanks man. It means a ton to hear that. With the risk of sounding like a quack, I feel like ive had a big time awakening. Ive suddenly viewed all my relationships with the people around me and realized I was probably deeper in hole than I ever imagined. I feel like i have been re-born. I want to do everything in my power to show her my love. Its not enough to tell her. It means more that I show her and just as importantly my kids how much they mean to me and why they are special.

Im trying to be aware of her need for space by not pressuring her. Its not like shes holding anything in. In fact, I think its probably fair that I was holding things inside that I wouldn't have thought about until she said she needed space. If anything, I hate myself for having to hurt her so much that she needed space. Its not like I was terrible person to her but i know now that I wasn't keeping her on the pedalstal that she deserved. I was taking her love for granted and I didnt even realize it. I should also mention that we kissed and hugged too. It wasn't a deep kiss but I felt a spark and fairly certain she did but I didnt want to press it. Im going to keep talking to her and the other people in our life. Its time to be truthful about my feelings. and as I said before, its time for my actions to mean more than my words.
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Old 9th January 2010, 10:30 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

I agree with Dalesman. I don't think you should have left your home and kids. Giving space is how you handle your relationship not leaving home. Marriage is meant to be a very close thing and giving space seems to go against this but it's not. It's about respecting peoples space relationally not physically buzzing off. We all have our fences. Some of it is fear and we have to learn to lift the barriers up but some of it is legitimate protection of our person. You can do this this and this but you can't do that. If we barge in and do the thing that the other says you can't do you have invaded her space. We all want to get close but we need to respect the other. Not speaking is part of relating as well. Some cannot handle people who fill every second with talking. Others cannot handle it the other way. We are all different and marriage is about learning more and more about your partner, which you are doing now.

I think you have taken this thing about needing space as a threat when it may not be that. Try and find out more as to what she means and don't take everything as rejection or condemnation. Marriage is work sometimes and if you want to love her that includes understanding her as well. I don't see any grounds for your marriage failing just improving as you learn to understand more. Love isn't only about feelings it is about the will as well. Loving with our wills mean comittment which you will both need to make the marriage thrive.

Raymond
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Old 14th January 2010, 10:51 PM   #5
koliver0821
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

i guess I heard some words that kind of terrify me right now. My wife said the words "I love you but not sure I'm IN love with you. She is using her space as a test. To see if she can live without me. Im feeling completely frazzled about this. I know I can't imagine my life without the love of my wife. And she is trying to figure out if she really does love me. or miss me. I take her phone calls as an indication that she misses me.

I've also come to realize that my wife has been depressed. I've asked her in the past whats wrong and she would just tell me she was tired or overwhelmed with everything that we have going on. But I should have seen those signs. Unfortunately, I was feeling the same thing myself. Financially we are struggling and I know she doesn't have a high self esteem right now. I feel like I have failed her.

The good news is that I've been back to the house for various reasons. Once to let her get some sleep after working a night. The other was to spend some time with her and the kids and we kissed (not deeply) but it felt right and we held each other all night while we were sleeping. We have agreed to get counseling. I've never been really good at talking about my feelings. I've changed that alot recently. Its amazing how clear I feel when I started doing this. Im not saying it makes me feel happy, just that I feel I have learned so much about myself. Even how selfish I was even though I didnt realize it. I guess I took the space that she wanted and I was the one that learned what I want most and that I need to prioritize whats really important to me.

I've learned I was not good at showing how much I loved my wife. I could say it all day but I need to show her how important she is to me and just how amazing she is. There are times that we lack for words right now as I am trying not to mentally drain her with our conversations. She sees that I've changed and I know that its making a difference. I used to be all frustrated when I would come home and it was never because of her. I've learned to relax a litttle (ok a lot) before I go into my house. She told me she notices. The only thing I don't know is if its making the whole difference.

I pretty much told her that I dont want to leave the house and that I will do everything possible to respect her space. Im not sure if she will go with that as of yet. But with our schedules being as they are, I will be there at least until Monday with her working so I can be with my kids and of course with her (although she will be sleeping).

Sorry if IM rambling on. I always feel better after talking. I've had some good long conversations with my wife and some tough ones with how this whole "space" thing is helping. I figure the only thing I can do right now is to shower the one I love with affection and tell her and most importantly show her, how important she is to me.
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Old 15th January 2010, 12:07 AM   #6
dalesman
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

It sounds as if you are doing everything right and I still think the signs are hopeful . You mentioned your financial situation and problems in this area can very often put intolerable strain on a relationship. Is this an area that you could do anything to change ?
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Old 15th January 2010, 12:29 AM   #7
Ageing Grace
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

Well done for realising you weren't really noticing how she was, or taking care of her That's a crucial thing. Sit her down and TELL her everything you've realised about how you took her for granted and so on (the more detail you can give, the better). Tell her what changes you have already made, as far as you're concerned. Ask her how she is, what she feels & what she wants. Listen to her.

It is heartbreaking - in this, the 21st century - how frequently we see husbands, whose marriage has broken down, suddenly becoming aware of how much their wife did for them that they never noticed. Fix this before you become one of them.

Good luck!

AG
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Old 15th January 2010, 05:34 AM   #8
koliver0821
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

The financial side of things is really a huge issue. We are likely filing for Bankruptcy protection. We both werent smart as it relates to our spending. I wont lie, I did feel that some of the blame for the financial situation was because of her. Its not like I would rub it in her face but I think it added to my inability to do anything about it as well. Partof it is just the roles we basically took. I wasn't good with money and managing my own bills when we first met. I basically had my account and everything was paid for automatically. The damage to my credit was done in college. We got it together, thankfully for her. But mainly because she was our financial manager. she makes more money than I do and Not that Im ashamed of that, but since money has always been a problem for me and my family growing up, I was unable to stop some of the spending. Regrettably, we bought a house at the top of the market and we stretched ourselves to thin. The real problem if you ask me is that we tread water, but never really swim to shore. We talked to an attorney last year and tried a few different things but it didnt work out (Settlements etc). We will be doing the bankruptcy in February, or atleast filing it. Im hoping that will alleviate some of the stress we feel about making progress.

Grace- part of my issue was of not noticing what was going on was my own internal demons. Im hoping to god its not to late. Its not like I didnt notice what she has done for me. I guess I just didnt show her enough how much it meant to me. The other part is just needing to help out more. Lord knows Ive been trying even before this situation arose. The good news is she sees some of the changes first hand. Ive been "stepping up" as she would say especially in the emotional department. My only concern is that I'm doing the talking. almost all of the talking. I'm trying hard not to be suffocating her with my talk and presence but at the same time, Im trying to show her I am there for her. This is probably the hardest part for me. im trying not to be selfish but I crave her love. Im confused because just over a week ago we were having intimate sex and now I feel awkward because I don't know when its a good time to talk to her. (especially with our kids around).
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Old 15th January 2010, 01:46 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

You've probably expressed a lot of honest and good things Oliver. It will take time for her to work it through. She may be a bit confused at the change in you and may find it hard to believe it, so things may take a little time I would think. You have learned and gone through a lot. Hopefully it won't be wasted.

Raymond
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Old 15th January 2010, 03:58 PM   #10
koliver0821
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

Raymond, thanks my man. I told her last night that the changes im making aren't because of her need for space. They are changes that I realize that need to be done in order to fill her heart with more love. Actions speak louder than words. I think your right, even recently, she was surprised at how much i've changed. She said she even noticed a change prior to us having this "situation". Although she didnt say it right away, I could tell she wasn't sure how long this would continue. I told her its a change. that it is possible I could fall but that I would promise I would do everything possible to make her feel my love.

Ive pretty much had a couple of good days followed by bad days. my bad days are not where we fight. Cause I dont think we are fighting, its just a emotionally draining have "real" conversations. Especially for me since, ive never just let my emotions go. Maybe Im being selfish but I want her, scratch that, need her to talk to me. I feel low when she doesn't add things. She's always asking what im thinking and i guess thats a good thing. But as other people have said in other threads, we have a history and I know my wife loves me and cant stand when im hurting but im not sure thats really helping her and my gut feeling is that

The worst part for me is determining what to tell the kids when Im not there. I dont think i've told them enough how important that they are to me and man Im I trying hard now. Im not suggesting I was neglectful, I made some things into chores that really shouldn't have been. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about that. Like I said, ive learned a lot about myself.
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Old 15th January 2010, 07:58 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

You are doing a lot of soul searching and are making changes. She has noticed. You sound like a man that will follow through given the opportunity. It is probably exhausting for you but don't give up. You will need to relax together if you can to keep up your strength but not so much that you forget what you are trying to do. I am glad that some things are registering with her but as said she needs time to adjust to the new you.

Raymond
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Old 15th January 2010, 08:57 PM   #12
koliver0821
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

We've agreed to counseling both for couples and for own selves. When I spoke to her this morning, she gave me hope. She said there was slim chance we couldn't figure it out so maybe she is really considering me. Im afraid of the space though. I can't fill the space thats been left. I have 4 kids that mean the world to me and I need to be a part of their lives. I've discussed moving back in with a caveat but im not sure its really registering. I want to be there to help her with our kids. I've done homework, dinners, breakfast lunches, getting them ready for school, and to bed. Trying to take some of the responsibilities off of her shoulders. Especially during this trying time. I wasn't trying to force anything. Im making suggestions and pulling back if its seems it causing a problem. Its exhausting only because she is always running through my mind.

I know its important to take care of myself and I must admit, im having some difficulty eating and sleeping. Its more like I can't seem to eat anything and Im too restless at night, even with her right next to me. I really hope that therapy helps me on the individual side as well on the couple side.
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Old 15th January 2010, 10:00 PM   #13
Ageing Grace
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

Quote:
Originally Posted by koliver0821 View Post
We've agreed to counseling both for couples and for own selves. When I spoke to her this morning, she gave me hope. She said there was slim chance we couldn't figure it out
That's such hopeful news, I shouted when I read your post!

The next stage is likely to be tricky, Koliver, and to take a bit of work - for both of you. You really must take sensible care of yourself. See your doc if you can't sleep and/or are having anxiety attacks. You don't want to blow everything by becoming a gibbering wreck

I think it would be helpful if the two of you can keep a relaxed "normal" dialogue going - to balance the intensive "relationship" work. Just friendly little chats about practicalities, how your days were, family news and stuff

If this feels difficult to begin with, just stick to a few everyday questions about the kids.

Wishing you both well.
AG
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Old 15th January 2010, 10:18 PM   #14
koliver0821
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

Thanks AG- But knowing my wife as well as I do, I just have this feeling that she was saying something positive to me since I was hurting. The counseling I need regardless. I've lost 10 pounds in just over a week. I dont really sleep, its more like my batteries run out and thats it. Im staying as strong as I can for the kids. Only my oldest who is 9 is aware of the difficulties that we are having. I really need to focus on them as well.

I think im well aware of what my wife was dealing with before this. Im feeling overwhelmed with everything. not certain where im going to be sleeping day to day. Luckily my parents live somewhat close by so im not totally out on the streets. We dont have any extra money set aside to handle this type of emergency. (Or any emergency for that matter).

My wife did agree to have a date night with me last week and we have scheduled it. I kinda feel like a teenager again in that respect, but its still freaking me out. I understand and try desperately to keep the talk to the practicalities. We even trade little barbs at our situation which feels awkward but it sadly puts me in a more comfortable place.

Believe me I know this will take two to tango. The deepest part of our conversation last night was to tell her she has to be willing to try. I didnt say she had to meet me halfway. but if she is willing to receive my love, then she will. I have tons of love to give her, even if its to make up for lost time. in some ways I feel even more connected to her from an emotional standpoint. Unfortunately, there are days that Im feeling so alone even with her right there.

Sorry for being emotional. My head is killing me right now and this is giving me some release.
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Old 16th January 2010, 05:54 PM   #15
koliver0821
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Re: Understanding the need for Space?

Well, the good news today is that I was able to get enough sleep to feel rested this morning. I feel a little mad at myself for yelling at my kids to try and get them to bed. It was the biggest struggle ive had in month getting them to bed. We watched the movie "UP" and I think they were just wired but I was cooked. The movie was shown at the school my kids go to and I saw a few of our friends. I dont know what it is, but I felt awkward. Actually what the hell am I talking about. I do know why that was. I feel incomplete without my wife. Whats funny is that the only difference last night from lots of other Friday nights where my wife works is the disconnect I feel. I dont know if she feels out of sorts without me. Maybe that's what she is looking for. However with the kids being in the picture, I just wont cant do that.

You know your hurting when everything has meaning. Songs on the radio, pictures you walk by, the parts of movies you see. I said that to my wife that I hear things more clearly if that makes sense. Not just from her, but from everything.

I just hope my wife is willing to make the effort. You know, ive done more thinking than I would like to admit. Thats why I havent focused on what was going wrong in the short term but really looked back at things I've done (and not done) over the years. I know I shouldn't expect things to change overnight as the problems we have didnt exactly surface overnight. I just know its starting to affect me in my everyday life. Work, personal relationships, my confidence (especially my confidence) are all being affected right now. Luckily, I have learned a lesson from past experiences. Ive talked to my boss and told him I am having some issues. Bascailly telling him, not to load more work on me as Im feeling stretched thin already.

I will keep trying to love her more and more. Showing her how important she is as well as how attractive she is. I know that my wife has had self image problems all her life. I want her to know that I desire her body as well as her heart. Of course that is difficult when she needs space. The tough part is how she can get that space.

Whether Im around the house or not. When Im not there, she will be responsible for getting the kids ready for school. (Dressed, breakfast, etc) Always driving them back and forth to their events. Starting with homework and dinner and showers. The whole cycle. In the past, I was getting home from work or the the gym and I was beat. I know I could have, NO should have been more helpful.

I have no doubt that my wife can handle it as she is a strong willed person. But, she wont have much alone time to be alone. Im getting the sense that her alone time is just to relax without any distractions. I probably overstepped my boundaries suggesting I should live in the house but be willing to give her that space. Im not sure it was received well so I backed off that.

Is it ironic that the way she felt before this is the way I feel now? Its amazing how much can change in over a month. I was always under the mindset that we would work it out. No matter what. I just hope that in the back of her mind, that she has the same mindset too.

Sorry for rambling. I look forward to your comments as they strengthen my resolve and add a perspective that I may not see yet. (though ive done a ton of searching from every angle!!)
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