Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12th May 2009, 09:51 PM   #1
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I am left devastated because he has left

My husband left me and his 3 children 5 weeks ago for a woman he had only been seeing for about 8 weeks although he had known her a lot longer. Shocked was not the word for all of us. He packed his bags and moved straight into her house with her children. How they could do this is all beyond me. I always thought we were a strong unit and never thought he would ever hurt me as much as he has. He has shown no remorse and expects us all to carry on as if nothing has happened, which of course we cannot. He has blamed me of course, I have not loved him enough and not shown him enough attention. I know there were failings in our marriage but to say I have not loved him is a joke. I have stood by him through all the bad times and this is how I am repaid. He should have tried to sort through the problems and not run away as this is the cruelist thing he could have done.
Every day I feel I am waiting for him to return but I know he wont as he is happy where he is. I cannot speak to him when he calls to take the kids out and has not spoken to me or the children about what or why he has done this dreadful thing.
I cannot see my way forward through all of this but have to try to remain strong for the children. All I want to do is curl up and hope it all goes away. I cannot imagine life without him and feel dispair. I feel like he has died and I really do not recognise him anymore. He has changed in attitude and personality and I really want to hate him but at this time I cannot.
I know I have to take each day at a time and in time I will heal but this I cannot see or accept yet. I just don't know how to get through this.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12th May 2009, 10:22 PM   #2
yogamad
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 343
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Sorry to hear about your situation Crush. No doubt at some time in the future, it will all go wrong with this other woman, whether he'll come home with his tail between his legs or not, no one knows.

Keep posting on here, someone will nearly always be able to reply and offer advice. We all keep saying it but look after yourself first and foremost, eat, sleep, try to get out for some fresh air and exercise. Do you have family nearly for support?

It's early days for you at the moment but you will get through it, with or without your H.
Stay strong and take care.
yogamad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th May 2009, 10:52 PM   #3
JWD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,178
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

So sorry this has happened to you. It's the worst feeling in the world. He is blaming you because he feels guilty and he is a coward therefore it's easier to put the blame on you. I expect its infactuation at this stage with the other woman which will soon wear off. Have you any support from friends or family?

Keep posting as it really helps. There have been many people before you, take a look at Georgie & Raycubs posts, both amazing women exactly where you are now.

xx
__________________
“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
JWD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th May 2009, 11:53 PM   #4
32hh
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 183
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Can only reiterate what has already been said. Eat. Sleep if you can. Take care of physical needs because you won't be able to deal with anything else if you don't. Eat when you feed your kids. Eat WHAT you feed your kids, because I'm sure you're a good mum so will give them something nutritious so you will have a decent meal. Sounds trivial, but it does help ( the closest I got to a square meal after I found out about my H's affair was a bowl of cereal. So to all the trauma is added plunging sugar levels which doesn't help. Did lose a stone though :-) !!) And so does posting, just to get things clear in your head sometimes. And there are a lot of fantastic people here, with good advice or just to act as a sounding board. I haven't been here, I can't really offer much else. But lots of other people have, and they'll help you through it. We're all here for you though.
32hh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2009, 03:29 AM   #5
RayCub
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Oh, Crush... I can honestly say I know EXACTLY how you're feeling, and I hate that you 're hurting the way you are. I'll offer some advice, but only use what you want or none at all.

Believe it or not, it will feel better soon. Not good, not fine, not even okay, but better than you feel right this very moment.

All I could tell myself to do to get through was to breathe. I literally had to remind myself to do that - breathe through the pain, the loss, the denial, the anguish, the tears, the anger, the confusion, the disbelief...just breathe through it all. And one day, and you won't even notice this, one day it'll be easier to breathe. You won't have to remind yourself to pull air into your lungs and then slowly release it again; you'll just do it.

And then one day after that, and I promise you this too, you'll smile. And it will feel foreign to you. And it won't last long, but you'll have done it. And you'll do it again and again until you remember exactly how good it feels to do it. And one of those smiles, at some point, will reach your eyes. And that wil be a miraculous day!

People will offer all kinds of advice. Take the good; leave the bad behind. Eat, talk, cry, walk, sleep, write and breathe. Don't forget to breathe..........

You'll also feel the need to be strong for your kids. People will tell you to be strong, and you'll literally want to hit the next person who says it to you. So, be strong, but ONLY when you can, and when you can't be strong, ask for help. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. Take as much or as little as you need.

FEEL everything. Don't deny your feelings or try to run from them or suppress them. They have to come out at some point; better sooner than later, so you can start to heal. So feel it all; curl up in the fetal position and cry; sit in your vehicle and scream to the top of your lungs; collapse on the tub floor during the shower; sit and stare at nothing. Do it all, when you can.

Be yourself. (This is the one piece of advice I'm not very good at taking myself) Don't tell people what they want to hear. Don't be one person to your friends, one to your family, one to your coworkers and one to your kids. If you do this, you'll look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you. Just be you; be the wonderful woman you are and KNOW - I mean REALLY know - without a doubt - that THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

You've just suffered a crippling blow to your heart, head and self-esteem. You need to adjust to the fact that the life you knew is gone, and now you have to get used to a "new normal". And you will. You won't believe me now, but you'll start rebuilding your life baby-step by baby-step, until you are living your life, not just existing, but actually LIVING it again.

But in the meantime, just breathe...........
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2009, 09:36 AM   #6
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Unhappy Re: I am left devastated because he has left

I just want to thank you all for your kind words, it really does help. I am writing this with tears streaming down my face but I do acknowledge what you all say and I know I will become stronger. It just hurts so much right now and cannot see tomorrow. As you say Raycub my life as I knew it has now gone - long gone and I have to rebuild for a new one. I know it will happen but its the hurt of what he has done in the way in which he did it that is destroying me.
He will not talk to me about it he is just carrying on as this is normal for him. The children who adored him are heartbroken and it breaks my heart to see their sad and lonely faces staring at me wanting me to make it all better.
Who knows if it will work our for him but I truly believe in what goes around comes around and one day I only hope the impact of his actions finally comes to him and he will realise what he has thrown away for what I consider to a completely selfish act.
Thank you. x
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2009, 12:36 PM   #7
georgie
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 424
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

I'm so sorry Crush. You are still in shock no doubt and reeling from the pain. Your feelings are completely valid. The pain is completely undeserved, but acute. Nobody deserves to be betrayed like this.
Something seems to happen to a lot of people around the middle of their life, they seem to just implode emotionally and people like us are left to try to rebuild.
We are strong enough to do it. Allow yourself to feel the pain and release it as best you can. Vent on this site, you will be heard, you will be understood, you will be cared about.
As everyone says, look after yourself. If you're not sleeping get to a dr. and get something to help you. I've found conselling really helpful. Be with your friends. People that have not experienced this cannot fully understand it, I know I couldnt before it happened to me. I of course knew plenty of people that had been through break ups but I had never really taken the time to delve in to what exactly that meant for them and the emotional toll other then on a superficial level, so if some of your friends dont seem to quite get it maybe dont be too hard, but don't take any crap either.
It takes a while to face who your partner really is as opposed to who you hoped they were. Detachment is a good goal to aim for. This is not about you, any flaws you may fear you have, anything you think you may have done wrong, it's about him - and whatever circuit in his brain has started to spark and sizzle and generally mal function. You are the one that has stayed with your kids, holding it together. You are the one searching for healing eg by finding this site. You've already taken a few small steps towards it, keep moving forward at your own pace.
Sorry if this is not making much sense, it is inside my head -I'm about to head to bed as I've stayed up too late every night this week, and in my normal impressive careery trajectory style was nodding off in the bosses office again today - and I'm now sitting facing him, behind his back was bad enough. I now have to try and portray myself as an incredibly deep thinker - you know the kind that has to shut their eyes to visualise incredible solutions to work based problems - otherwise known as nana napping... I'm not going to make MD at this rate.

Crush, you are going to survive, and there is a bloody good chance that if you get all the help you can muster, and work on getting YOU better emotionally, you will be writing a note in this thread in a few months time along the lines of "I wish he'd left sooner". xxx
georgie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2009, 12:53 PM   #8
j92cool
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 183
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

I know exactly how you are feeling it really really sucks. My H had and still has no remorse. They are so selfcentred that really believe they have done nothing wrong. They were apparently not happy so they left if it was only as simple as that.

He blames you because he is a coward. A spinless, gutless, heartless coward. It is not your fault. It is his fault the least he could have done is explain why he acted so suddenly and been man enough to sort things out.

How old are your kids. When i first logged on 6 weeks ago everyone told me that it would get better and it did but it will take time. Look after yourself and your kids first. Stop trying to work out what he was thinking. He is not rational and you will never be able to work him out. Keep posting it really does help.

I wish I could give you a big hug cause you really need hugs. The shock will lessen over time but the anger will continue for sometime. I can still not understand how he could treat anyone let alone his wife and kids like he has but try not to dwell on it.

Keep your chin up.
j92cool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2009, 08:55 PM   #9
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

To answer your threads my kids are still young the eldest being 12. They do feel as though there world has fallen apart. H was a good dad I will give him that but never in my wildest dreams would I have believed he could ever have left his children. How can any parent do that to a child it is so selfish just looking after his own interests. I am still waiting for answers but know I probably wont get any, like you say he is a coward.
He behaves like this is normal and sees his kids then goes off to his "new" family. He moved in more or less straight away and did not really know her that well so I feel he was just desparate to get away. One minute he was here the next gone for good.
I don't really think he is talking to people about what he has done he just seems to be moving forward and not able to look back or around him at the moment. His behaviour is so out of character and like others on here point out they do become very cocky and has blamed me for what he has done. Basically I have driven him to this, what a load of rot I have stood by him for years and looked after him given him his freedom to see mates and through all the bad times. I admit he has been supportive of me over the years but that is a marriage isn't it.
I really am trying to look positive, I still have my beautiful children and am strong, I know I am and will come through this. But what a gamble he has taken with his life.
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th May 2009, 02:01 PM   #10
j92cool
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 183
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Yes Crush he is gambling with his life but they seem to forget that they drag their spouse and kids into the gamble too and no one ever wins. I still believe in karma and their bad deeds will get them. I dream of H coming back from the Phillipines alone, broke and with his kids not wanting to know him with him living out his life a a lonely old man. It's a fantasy that gets me through. LOL.
j92cool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2009, 12:28 PM   #11
RayCub
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

How're you doing, Crush? How are your kids?
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2009, 03:26 PM   #12
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thanks for asking Raycub, not having a good day today. I have had to witness my H and is new thing together. Worst part of it our son did too. They showed no respect that he was there and she put on a good show for my benefit. Hugs, holding hands etc, you can imagine. I can only asume she is very insecure herself. Still I remained dignified and did nothing for my sons sake. Children are displaying lots of anger that I have not seen before but I guess that is to be expected. I suppose next time I see them together it wont feel quite such a stab in the heart. I know the cracks are starting to appear in their relationship and it is not 6 weeks in yet. He has told me stuff and I know that I should tell him where to get off but it helps me to rationalise it all. Still they are together and there is nothing I can do about it.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2009, 05:17 PM   #13
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

You need to stay strong for the children Crush. This would have torn them apart as well. It will affect some worse than others and could be quite crucial in their development so they will need all the encouragement and love they can get so they will not grow up with a rejection complex.

These things do not happen suddenly. You can be sure that this was building up for quite a long time. Adultery is a terrible thing. I don't think it will prosper in the long run, but would you accept him back after what he has done?

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th May 2009, 11:27 AM   #14
j92cool
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 183
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Good on you crush. You are so strong keeping it together for your kids I know how hard it would have been to see them together. It will be very difficult for you children. I have had no experience with younger kids in this situation but know that many others here have and I will leave the advise to them. I will offer any other support I can. You are doing so well you should be very proud of yourself. Keep you chin up and keep posting.
j92cool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th May 2009, 11:55 AM   #15
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I am left devastated because he has left

After seeing them together yesterday made it all the more real. As mentioned earlier I know the cracks are appearing and my H said that he was unsure about things. She has already been lying to him about stuff so the relationship is not based on any firm foundations. I only hope that it is a matter of time and then it all comes crashing down around him. He needs a reality check he really does. Since yesterday he has not texted our children at all and I feel that he is ok with her again at the moment. He is meant to be seeing them today but have had no word from him at all, I guess he just wants to spend time with her as that is what is most important to him right now.
To answer your question would I want him back, I don't know. Every part of me tells me that I shouldn't and at this moment in time it is not an option. Perhaps if and when it does I would have to think very carefully. I have always trusted him and this is so out of character for him to do such a thing, but nonetheless he has done it. I know I am not ready to move on at all at the moment and feel every day is groundhog day!!
I went to some friends house last night with the children and we did have a good time. My friends are so supportive and feel very lucky for that.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:00 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer