Drifting apart...

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and we will have been married for 6 years. I am 31 and she is 29.

We have been really happy together for years until 8 months ago when she has met a new female friend from work. In my mind she is spending too much time with her. The reason I feel like she is spending too much time with her is that they both work together and both travel in the same car to and from work which is an hour round trip. They always spend at least 3 evening together from 6pm-11pm and if they meet at our house I am told (either directly or hinted at) that I have leave them alone so that they can enjoy their night.

Well, that probably doesn't sound that bad but this is the main thing that is bothering me. While not with her friend in the evenings, my wife chats to her friend on MSN for several hours and will not want to spend time with me. If I try and make conversation with her she doesn't pay attention and quite often forgets what I have told her. She is also sending approximately 50+ text messages to her a day at the weekend if we are out shopping or trying to spend the day together and gets caught up in lengthy conversations via text with her friend. It really spoils my day and I feel like we're not communicating or spending quality time together.

I feel like we're not as close and drifting apart and have to try really hard to get her attention. We have had lots of talks about this recently that end up turning into arguments and I'm quite often left feeling frustrated and like I'm not able to speak to her about it. I quite often get the feeling that she doesn't care.

She says she understands that the text and msn conversations with her friend are a bit too much and has said on several occassions that she'll cut down but she never does.

Before she became friends with her we spoke several times about the future and having kids. We had even planned to start trying for them after the summer but since meeting this friend she says she doesn't feel ready anymore. I know it is her body and she has to do all of the hard work during the pregnancy but I'm left wondering where I stand and whether we'll ever have kids. Her friend is 6 years younger than her and her boyfriend doesn't live with her so I think this might have something to do with it.

I really don't know what to do. I feel really unhappy that we can't resolve this and I really love her but can't continue like this forever and not sure what to do. I've tried just leaving her alone to give her space but it doesn't make any difference.

[pitbull]

Are you paying her enough attention? Complimenting her, making her dinner, doing stuff around the house?

Arrange some quality time together. Book a concert or something that she finds fun.

Has there been something more deep rooted? Are you still intimate with her? Is there any hostility? Are you bickering about small things? Have an argument to clear the air. Otherwise these small things turn to resentment.

Sounds like you need to go to lunch and have a talk with her that you are unhappy and are worried that you are drifting apart.

Glad you've noticed the signs before it's too late. My wife chucked me out on boxing day for these reasons.

Good luck

[sean1234]

Read my story mate and take what's going on veryseriously.my wife left after 18 years and she changed so much once she was friends with a collegue from work. Be careful she doesn't get into her head she's missed out. Sounds serious but at least your still together and you have a chance to change what's going on. Hope it works out for u.

[Raymond]

It sounds very odd to me tjs. I know our wives need friends but you should be no. 1 as her husband. If this happened and it was another fellow you would be really worried. She does seem rather absorbed with this person though and it does seem a bit over the top, seeing as she is married to you.

Do you think there is anything sexual in it? Sorry to ask but one has to try every avenue.

The only other avenue I can think of is big marriage problems this being a kind of escape. Do you think there is any truth in that?

Raymond

Its funny how us men have jumped on this. You have to tell her how you feel. Perhaps even suggest counseling. My wife also changed after re-connecting with her cousin. After a few months, my wife has had an affair with an old flame and coincidentally, her cousin has been cheating on her husband. I too was going through my own crap. I wasn't as attentive as I could have been. I was dealing with my own depression. Unfortunately, my wife never mentioned to me that she was unhappy. I was actually encouraging her to go out and meet up with her friends and her cousin. However, it obviously took a turn to negative town. A turn that may never come back. My wife and I separated for a little while. I am back in the house trying to make things work. But the waters are choppy though our communication is probably a thousand times better. But i will be honest, if it doesn't work out, Im in for a world of hurt. Thank god for this forum and the people that contribute. Knowing im not alone is one thing.

Please remember what Pitbull said. Before making a leap towards your situation, clearly evaluate your relationship and what could you be doing better. Do pay attention to her, I doubt their is anything sexual going on. However, see how open she is about her communication with this friend. What is this friends status? Married? Single? Divorced?

What ive learned recently, is that my wife was helped by her cousin. Her cousin communicated to (for lack of a better term) her bf before and after the affair. They kept the nature of the conversation secret. Though I was well aware that they were communicating. my wife is now in the same spot. She is communicating to her cousins "bf" to mediate a break up. its amazing that before my wife re-connected to her cousin, that these problems never surfaced. including the issues that I wasn't attentive enough. Before things got to a low point before the separation, I told my wife that when she goes out with her cousin, she is going with all of these girlfriends and acting single. My wife assured me that nothing was going on. (Of course not, it had already happened). I mentioned that we used to do things as couples and that I find it weird that her cousin wasn't interested in meeting up together with her husband.

This is something you need to pay attention to. it was smart getting on her. But make sure you are prepared to be floored. I will tell you right now, what you are feeling is exactly what she is feeling. If you are not feeling connected, its because you are not. Just start showering her with love. Give her a card for no reason. Call her to tell her that you were only thinking of her.
If you don't, I think it will be a matter of time before you get the speech, "I love you, but Im not IN love with you"

[sean1234]

Thing you should listen to what's been said mate. I really do. No one is trying to worry you anymore than you are but to post on here suggests that you are aware of a major problem that either is happening or as previous members have stated will happen. All you can do is sit and evaluate your marriage. Ask yourself if you ate really happy? Because if you are not I can garuntee you wife isn't. You are one of the lucky ones who's wife if nothing has happened yet seems to be crying out for attention. Take her out for a meal and really talk to her about her feelings. Please don't do what alot of us men do and take her for granted . Generally not all women Or men , if they are not getting the attentionthey crave they will look elsewhere. You have a real chance to save your relationship and I wish I had seen these sort of signs. I really hope it works out fine for you. Good luck mate sean

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate the advice you have given me and I think I really need to sit down with her and have a chat about how we both feel and what we can do to make things better between us and reconnect again like we used to be.

I'm actually a really caring guy I tell her I love her lots, hug and kiss her and compliment her clothes or the way she looks. I really care about how she feels. We're not as intimate as we used to be early on in our marriage but isn't that normal? I actually feel like I'm a good husband to her but am being taken advantage of.

Things we've tried:

We went away for a romantic city break away in october and she was even chatting to her friend while we were abroad by text. This annoyed me as she was checking her phone throughout the day every hour or so waiting for replies. We had a couple of fall outs about it but what am I to do? I said to her that, isn't the point of a holiday to get away from home life and enjoy each others company and she just said it's just a couple of text messages.

I have also suggested counselling but she rubbished that idea and said nothing is wrong.

Ok, I'll see how it goes over the next week or so and let you know what happens.

Thanks again

TJS- I know this sounds a little odd, but sometimes, showing your love isn't the hugs and compliments. It might be something else that she values more. Her relationship with her friend (female or otherwise) is something to discuss.

However, this will probably the most important thing I will tell you.

MAKE SURE ITS NOT AN ATTACK. Sometimes, the way people communicate problems will come across as an attack. If thats the case, the other person will immediately become defensive/guarded and you will not get anywhere. Tell her how you feel. Not about the phone calls and text messages. (I mean at first) tell her you feel disconnected with her at the moment. Ask her if there is anything you could be doing to help her. By all means, do not say you feel like she is taking advantage of you. To be honest, that's not a feeling. Straight up, your feeling jealous over your wife's relationship with her friend. Mainly because your wife is not reciprocating the love you give her.

I hear you on the cell phone though. My wife and I had a weekend away as well. Funny (insert sarcastic tone here), her cousin had some major problems and needed to send her all the text messages that her BF was sending to her. Mind you her BF is not her husband.......Her cousin knew we were going away and yet she still needed to occupy her time. I didnt even have the energy to discuss that.

koliver0821 - thanks for the advice. I really do need to sit down with her and chat about it properly. I have told her how I feel many times about this but I think the difference there is that I may have come across moany or nagging her. It just difficult to find the time to talk to her because she is always busy with her friend.

For example, tonight she is out with her friend to the cinema and won't be back until 11pm when she gets back she'll want to go straight to sleep.

Last night we were both supposed to be cooking pancakes together. She sent me an email at work at about 4pm to say her friend was coming round quickly for a bit to have some pancakes too as there was too much mixture and to see a quick bit of the brit awards. Well she stayed right until the end and they started joking around and getting really loud. I was sitting with them and actually felt really awkward and had to get up and leave and watch TV upstairs. This is when I started this thread up as I just didn't know what to do.

Tomorrow night is her gym night that she goes to with her friend and wont be back until 7pm, I have to make the dinner, I seem to do it quite often. Then she'll want her shower, dry and straighten her hair and before you know it it'll be 10pm as she'll be checking her "facebook" chatting to her friend and if I try and speak to her she'll not give me attention.

I feel really upset about all this. Do you think I should also be open about it put my cards on the table and show her this thread? I have always been a very open person with her I'm not a person who keeps secrets.

Hi tjs,

You haven't had many female responses, so let me add my two cents worth. You NEED to find out from her what she gets from this particular friendship that she isn't getting from you. Speaking only for myself, if I'm getting the attention I desire from my guy, I don't feel the need to be talking to anyone else for anything!

Now, don't get me wrong; we girls all need our "girlfriends' to bitch and moan to and to share things we wouldn't necessarily share with our guys. But would I spend my special weekend away texting constantly to my friend?? NOT a chance! She's getting SOMETHING from this friend she's missing at home.

I believe you when you say you pay a lot of attention to her and tell her you love her, but maybe that's not the kind of attention she needs from you. Raymond is the expert in this, but you need to find her "Love Language" and use that as your guide. I,myself, need 'touch" to prove my guy loves me...those little brushes on the shoulder as he walks by, holding my hand in the car, putting his arm around me as we're walking in the mall....all those little things make me feel his love, and not doing those things leads me down the road of "Maybe he's changed his mind" (mind you, I'm dealing with insecurities after my break-up, but this is your thread, not mine).

All I'm getting at is that the affection you're showing her is wonderful and may be exactly the kind of attention YOU would want, but it might not necessarily be what she needs.

TALK to her, gently and with real interest. ASK her what you can do to reconnect. And like Oliver said, do so with an open mind...don't judge or accuse; that can only lead to disaster.

I'm sending oodles of positive vibes your way!!
Raycub
xo

Ok. I'm feeling pretty nervous about this..

so I've got to be really gentle with her, let her talk too.

I'm a bit of planner so does this sound like good action points?

- Tell her we have something special together.
- Tell her how I feel disconnected in the past 8 months (in a non negative way). Mention the friend and her spending too much time with her and how this is the reason I feel disconnected.
- Ask if she feels the same as I do.
- Ask what can we/I do to reconnect with her so that we both "want" to enjoy each others company.

[clockwork orange]

Hmm. I'm getting a sense of deja vu here. There may not be anything sexual, but there is definitely an emotional dependence between your w and her friend. I was the wife in a situation much like yours a few years ago. Fortunately H and I both decided our marriage was more important, the dependent friendship eventually ran its course.

Some things that worked in terms of my H's approach to me. PATIENCE - lots of it. Don't push her into a corner. Learn to be assertive. Be your own person, and live your life, whether she wants to come along or not.

Your plan looks like a good start. Remember to use "I feel.... when" and not "You make me feel" type statements.

In the end, when my whole world fell apart, the person who was there picking up the pieces with me was H. But if he hadn't stuck around long enough......??

The other thing to look at is common beliefs and/or goals - if you are both looking forward at something else, and not backward at each other and the past, it helps you to actually move forward.

Hope that helps. Needless to say, make sure you look after yourself. Eat, excercise and sleep enough.

[Hopefull1983]

TJS, I'm not really sure how to say this without worrying you too much and please don't think that me saying this means that it's the end of the road for you...it's not just let me explain. I had a similar scenario to you, however, my husbands 'friend' was female and he ended up developing feelings for her. Now, I'm not saying that this is what's happening with your wife at all, I'll elaborate. I recently had a proper heart to heart with my husband to try and find out his reasons for ending things and it wasn't his feelings for our 'friend' that his decision was based on, he actually feels nothing for her now and has admited that his feelings were not what he thought they were (or so he says), and the reason he became so close to her wasn't because she was as fascinating or lovable as he had thought, the reason he had become so close to her was because he was unhappy in our marriage. HE changed and felt he had grown out of our marriage, we have been together since we were 17 & 18 and he just doesn't feel the same anymore...blah...blah...blah (many of you on here know that I don't believe in this) but anyway that's his story and he's sticking to it. My point is, he developed this friendship that became far too close with our 'friend' because he was unhappy. Unfortunately for me, my husband didn't give us the chance to work through things, he didn't tell me how he felt so that he could get back what he used to feel, he didn't try counselling, he just walked away from us without a second thought.
Please sit your wife down and talk to her about this. I agree that people get different things from relationships and sometimes compliments are not enough physical touch needs to be incorporated but if she doesn't tell you then you're not to know and she really needs to open up. She seems to be drifting away from you at the moment but it's not too late if you're both honest!!!
Be strong and try and stay positive for the time being.
Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes.

Well, it's been a while since I've posted on here. Things have a got a lot worse and more confusing for me. Following on from my last post in this thread:

I spoke to my wife and we didn't get anywhere so I just carried on letting her see her friend and getting more and more unhappy.

In May I went to see a consellor myself to tell somebody how I feel, the consellor told me that I'm not being assertive enough so I went home and told my wife. I had a talk with her and said things need to change and she disagreed and said I had the problem, we argued for a while and it got worse until I shouted "I'm leaving you" (it was out of anger but I didn't mean it)

My wife starts staying over at her friend's flat (only 1 mile from home) and she tells me that she regulary shares a bed with her. I have more arguments about it and accuse her of having a sexual relationship. She tells me I'm being disgusting and she's just "best friends" and that girl's do sleep together, hold hands and stuff.

She didn't talk to me for 5 weeks after that and we had a holiday booked to florida at the beginning of July. I always thought the this could be an opportunity to bond again. She even left her mobile phone at home and we took mine instead. we were on holiday and her friend started texting my phone and some of the messages were quite disturbing eg. "I've been thinking about you and probably will all day, I'm so sad I could still cry" and "I really miss you". She started emailing her friend from holiday every day and took 30 mins each session to do so. I was dreading coming home.

We got home on my birthday, unpacked our cases and the laptop came straight out to chat to her friend for an hour and a half on msn.

He friend was actually also on holiday at this time and got back home 2 days later with her boyfriend. My wife picked them both up from the airport, the boyfriend went home and they spent 2 solid days and nights together. When she came home I wasn't happy and told her and said we need to reach a compromise and she had to cut down. she said she'd think about it.

The next day her friend was round for breakfast to our house and to go for a run. They've obviously had a big chat and when she came home she looked upset. I held out my arms said "lets make up". She didn't hug me back then went for a shower.

We had another big argument not long after when she didn't want to talk or compromise. I couldn't take it anymore so went to confide in my mum who I told the full story to. She was shocked and angry. I decided we needed some space so I stayed at my parents house for 2 nights and left a polite note at home. I sent my wife a text and suggested we meet up to discuss further. She delined and said she wasn't ready. I came home the day after to get some more clothes and found her friend was behaving like she lived there. I went upstairs for my clothes and noticed the bed had been slept in by two people and there was no effort to cover it up, a drink on each bedside cabinet.

I was raging, so confronted my wife and her friend and told her friend to get out of my house. My wife said she could stay because she wanted her to stay. I argued more then walked out. On my way out I picked up her mobile, ran outside and smashed it on the ground because it is the angriest I've ever been. I then shouted out "consider the divorce" (I didn't mean this it was anger and frustration)

I got a call from her brother the next day and met up with him. He said he wanted to help and I told him the full story and he looked shocked. Her parents were on holiday at the time and on their return her brother spoke to them. They then spoke to her and my Wife wanted to meet the next day to resolve things and said she had some good ideas.

She met up with me in the pub and the first thing she said is that I was unacceptable and kept going on about it rather than trying to address the root problem. I stormed out as I felt like my actions were unstandable considering I jus discovered my wife and her friend had been sleeping in our marital bed. I'm not natually an angry person and usually really calm.

We spoke later on the phone and my wife told me that I haven't been much fun over the past 2 years and would consider conselling. This is the first time I've ever heard her say this even when I've been asking her if I have done anything wrong since our early talks. Over the past 2 years I've been decorating our new home and doing a part time university course, so have been under a bit of stress. I've always had time for her and she's always been number one to me.

I've now moved back in to the home while she is out and don't plan on leaving. I don't know what else to do, I think we both need to go to conselling to hear if we can save this or not.

I'm very distressed, unhappy and frustated and find it hard considering life on my own.

We've been together since we were 18/20 years old and I lost contact with my friends a few years after. We have joint friends through my wife and I get on well with them all and consider them my own friends but they'll be loyal to her so I end up with nothing. No home, no wife, no friends

What do I do?

[chosen]

Whatever she says it is not 'normal' for grown women to sleep together and hold hands,. This relationship sounds very wrong and very unhealthy. I suspect they are having an affair, I have never heard of a married woman being that obsessed with another women. It isnt normal and it isnt innocent. She us acting like the women is her spouse and not you.