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Old 21st March 2011, 06:26 PM   #286
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
I completely agree with you and your spiritual values.

It's really difficult to say. Certainly this society will make anyone feel worthless if she's not working and ppl wonder if there's something wrong with "her".
Yes you are right, but we do need to fight against what society says about us,and do what we know to be right. I have stopped feeling too unworthy about not working now, and as long as I and my are husband happy with the way things are, thats all that matters to me.I had to work for 6 years when I was a single mum, and I hated it. I love to be at home and with my husband (who works from home)and getting all the things done that need to be done in the house, walking the dog twice a day etc. My last child leaves home in 6 weeks when he marries, so we will be alone and I cant wait! (Not that I dont adore my kids!)
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Old 21st March 2011, 07:31 PM   #287
Raymond
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

That's the way it was with us. My wife never worked once she was ready for her first child. She obviously orientated towards being a housewife. It made me feel a bit insecure as it was now all down to me to provide. Looking back I am so glad she felt right to do that. The children have always had their mother on hand. Completely different to my deprived upbringing. We have never really lacked.

Sorry Stepgrah we are using your thread.

I will never ever forgive her for that! It's not as though she has anything planned for the whole day, just a 30 minute piano lesson.




Your phrase above struck me. I think you need to keep your cool and not give her any justification for what she is saying. I understand your upset and it needs to be put right, but verbalising unforgiveness could bring in bitterness which is something which you don't want at any time, but especially when you have to co-operate over the children.

She has said some hurtful things and one wonders whether she means them or whether your actions regarding emotional support are getting through to her.
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Old 21st March 2011, 08:01 PM   #288
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Yes you are right, but we do need to fight against what society says about us,and do what we know to be right. I have stopped feeling too unworthy about not working now, and as long as I and my are husband happy with the way things are, thats all that matters to me.I had to work for 6 years when I was a single mum, and I hated it. I love to be at home and with my husband (who works from home)and getting all the things done that need to be done in the house, walking the dog twice a day etc. My last child leaves home in 6 weeks when he marries, so we will be alone and I cant wait! (Not that I dont adore my kids!)
Dear Chosen

Yes, you are absolutely right about that. I was too, quite independent for many years. I was never very good at handling a relationship as well as keeping up with my work unfortunately.

It's hard to not to conform when you/we are all expected to be doing the same thing as what others are. It is a shame that women or men who contribute so much other than simply monetary aspects are almost undervalued in this society..

My heartfelt congrats for your son's imminent marriage. You must be so proud!! Isn't that so lovely.

Have a wonderful evening,
Best Wishes,
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Old 21st March 2011, 08:15 PM   #289
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
That's the way it was with us. My wife never worked once she was ready for her first child. She obviously orientated towards being a housewife. It made me feel a bit insecure as it was now all down to me to provide. Looking back I am so glad she felt right to do that. The children have always had their mother on hand. Completely different to my deprived upbringing. We have never really lacked.
Dear Raymond,

As always, you have a very special, spiritual manner of speaking. I appreciated your gentle honesty shown in such a polite manner. Honesty is very positive when it is worded in a thoughtful way as you do.

I thank my Lord for renewed sense of gratitude.

Have an excellent evening,
Best Regards,
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Old 22nd March 2011, 02:49 PM   #290
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

In my marriage I have always paid every single bill as the hugher salary earner. MY wife works hard at ger profession not for the money as she has stated to me many times. SHe does it as she wants to help changel thge lives of younger kids and get them to love books the way she does.

What she has done is unfortunately place her own children and I on the backburner until each end of term and then she weas great, it was like having her back. As soon as term started then she dropped us again. THis caused lots of arguments when she started to do more prep work between terms etc and basically the focus shifted onto everything being devoted to her being ready for work.


As of now I have accepetd that my marriage to the woman that I genuinely love is over. Unless she suddenly has a good look at things from a neutral perspective which is not possible. SO I am focused on building a "ME" that i recognise and like as an independent person with two children who need a solid supportive future.

I miss my wife sas she is also y best friend, but I have absolutely no choice.
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Old 22nd March 2011, 05:05 PM   #291
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Steve its so sad that any mother would put other peoples kids before her own, and when they didnt even need to work!
if she works because of the reasons she says, then she could spend a couple of days a week volunteering to listen to kids read at her local school. This would have left her free to be a good mum and wife as well.
You know I sort of think she has got addicted to the praise and affirmation that she has learnt to rely on from the staff where she works, but when you let that become more important than your own family, so much so that you ignore them and break the family up, something is seriously wrong.
I wonder what she will do in 10 years or so when she retires and has nothing. No job, no husband and to a large extent, no kids.
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Old 22nd March 2011, 05:09 PM   #292
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

That sounds like a reasonable assessment, to my mind..

If someone treats you poorly over such a long time, you would be bound to question if someone is really making a genuine commitment to you unless you would be ok being sidelined.

I hear what you say. When someone says "I'm not doing this for money and my husband makes enough money and I do not need to be working for money" etc etc, I'm sure there are so many middle class wives or even women coming from an extremely affluent background with some impressive education, talents and motivation to stay employed in a highly demanding and worthy job and they are absolutely good at it. Obviously your wife is one who is committed to her worthy job and in a way, she's married to her job.

I often felt sad when my OH was away with his hobbies and spent less time with me. I felt like I was sidelined and it wasn't nice.

Last edited by Chamomile; 22nd March 2011 at 05:14 PM. Reason: clarity
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Old 22nd March 2011, 05:22 PM   #293
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Just my opinion but I think once you marry and have children then career must take a back seat , if having a career is important to you then why have children ?

I know lots of modern women disagree and say " Why can't I have both ? Men do . " That's true to a certain extent and if the husband is in a better position to stay home and parent, then fine. If a family is in a position where both parents HAVE to work for financial reasons that's fine too.
Although one of them could perhaps work less hours still bringing in an income but not at the detriment of the family.

I was a stay at home mum , not necessarily by choice as my son was disabled and needed me at home . Yes we didn't have brand new cars or holidays abroad but both my sons had a parent who was there... if they were sick etc. My friends at the time would be rushing kids to school then rushing off to work , leaving grandparents to fetch them from school/ look after them if they were ill and basically not seeing much of their kids at all... and I mean both male AND female friends. Some did it from necessity , some from choice.

I just find it very sad that sometimes having children means slotting them into a busy work schedule instead of being there for them.

Steve , if your wife is working from choice and not necessity then she , to my mind , has her priorities wrong. Maybe this has some bearing on how your daughter is behaving now ?

She seems to have a case of live to work rather than work to live. That's fine, right up until children are brought into the equation....
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Old 22nd March 2011, 05:36 PM   #294
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

helen I do agree with what you say.
I do have some friends who have worked and who seem to have managed to bring up kids and been a good wife, but there are only so many hours in the day. The more time you spend on one thing the less time you have for other things. Surely our own children and spouses need to come first always no matter how many qualifications that you have or how clever you are on the job side of things.

I know that if I had worked full time, I could never have been sort of mother or wife that I wanted to be,and I do know working mums who quite frankly have allowed their family to suffer for the sake of their jobs. Many also used to palm their kids off onto other mums in the holidays whether the other mums liked it or not, and others who used to send their kids to school when they were ill because they had to go to work. It wasnt right.

When we choose to marry and have children, our first responsibility is to them.
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Old 26th March 2011, 07:23 AM   #295
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

FOlks,
Good morning! Wellmany things have changed over the past week or so. MY wife no longer speaks to me at all or if she does call when I have our youngest literally when I pick up the phone and say hello, All i get i my daughters name said and nothing else. SO a one word conversation.

TOday I go to the counsellor on y own for the first time as my wife no longer wishes to go as she has nothing more to say regarding us. THe marriage is dead and I m trying to focus on really becoming a new me with having had a good look at myself and where I pwersonally feel I could have made a difference over the years.

I think I tried to solve too many problems over the years and tried to placatre and facilitate in order for my wife to have her career. I think she lost respect for me and that is there the real issue began.

I can honestly say I have explored eveery single avenue in trying to save this marriage and still despertely love my wife, but obviously this is not reciprocated.

What I am doing though is saying to her that if she wants to sell the house etx, then she needs to drive that activity as I am comfortable where I am. I am in effect trying to get her to take responsibility for once in actively doing something rather than the passive opt out which she has employed to date. I have also written out a list of bills that I pay on her behalf that she will now need to pick up.
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Old 26th March 2011, 09:29 AM   #296
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Steve I think that you are doing so well. It seems that from being totally reliant on you she has now gone to plain old coldness and rudeness. To ring and not even says hello is totally out of order, but at least you are getting that emotional distance now.
I also think that carrying on at counselling is great, as is you looking into yourself to see where it may have gone wrong. If only she would do the same, what a difference that may make!

My husband did a lot of the 'placating and facilating' thing for his former wife over the years, so I know where you are coming from. However sometimes its that or have constant battles and lack of peace, so dont blame yourself totally for that. When my husband did try to stand up to her there was trouble with a capital 'T' so its not easy. He said it was like banging your head against a brick wall.

Brilliant idea to show her the bills, and also to say that she needs to facilitate the ending of the marriage herself if that is what she wants, because she does need to learn that if she wants out, then she needs to be responsible for taking the next step. If she wants to leave her mums and get a place of her own, then she will need to start things off herself and not expect you to do it, when you dont even want to end the marriage.

Steve I am impressed.Carry on the good work.
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Old 26th March 2011, 12:21 PM   #297
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Steve

Has she actually paid anything towards "you" or you two both, to enjoy, either regularly or one off things like, treating you to a nice restaurant to return you favour, putting money towards some nice weekend away etc?

If she had kept all her money to herself, not sure for how long..that sounds really selfish and hard (and taking for granted).

I used to know a lady who worked as a teacher part-time (I don't think she earned that much) and she was treating her hubby this way when she can and her hubby then treats her for her facial etc. I doubt if they would ever leave one another to be honest. They got so much love to give to each other.
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Old 28th March 2011, 02:41 PM   #298
stepgrah
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

HI All,
Chamomile first to answer your question, the simple answer is NO! My wife keeps all of her money for her but with the proviso that she is responsible for buying thew clothes for the children. I found out only last week what my wife earned and believe me she has more disposable income at the end of each month by roughly double what I have!
I have always given over 50% of my bonus to my wife as well as I do see us as a partnership and to me it is our money, but she obviously does not see it that way.

SO I had my last session with the counsellor and am fine. Bottom line is that the counsellor feels that there is very little I could have done to save the marriage and indeed probably the balance of the relationship was wrong for years. I was told as she read her notes etc that she felt my wife being adopted etc and loving her adoptive dad so much meant there are issues that have not been resolved.

She had gotten used to rejecting me and me coming back for more that she feels that this confirmed love, but in the end lost respect for me. With regards to her dad, she has it that no man can ever match up to what he was and therefore is bitter about his passing and taking it out on me.

The counsellor stated that at some point my wife will probably look to get back with me, not because she WANTS to but because she NEEDS to. SO that was a word of caution which brings me onto the next paragraph

Onto more positive stuff. Saturday night I went out for a social night and had the most fantastic time. It really was the way I used to be and could not stop laughing. Last night I got a phone call from one of the prople that I was out with (a female friend of my wife and I) as i was out with a large social group. Anyway at 22:55 she told me photographs of the evening were being put on FACEBOOK for me to enjoy.

AT 23:00 they did indeed appear and at 23:05 my wife called me :-)) She was in not the best frames of mind and accused me of betraying her and not having the guts to twll her I was going out with this friend and others. I told her this:-
1. We were separated and that I did not need her permission.
2. She had told me the previous week when telling me how much she hated me that I was not
allowed to contact her at all unless it was directly concerning our daughters.

My wife accepted this and was a little embarrassed by her outburst. I told her honestly that I had even said to the crowd I was with that I wish she had been there and also if she looked she could also see my wedding ring is still on etc. I have nothing at all to hide.

So we ended the call amicably, but I just thought it interesting how quickly and badly she rected considering that she doesn't want me.
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Old 28th March 2011, 03:09 PM   #299
chosen
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Its the old thing of her not wanting you, but not wanting you to have a life without her.Strange that she should accuse you of betraying her. How did she work that one out? Isnt it her leaving you?
I agree with much of what the counsellor said, especially about her not wanting you, but needing you to help her as and when she decides she needs it. She will need to accept, if this carries on, that you will have a life without her,and that the only contact you will have is to do with the children.
The money thing is weird. My husbands ex did the same, saw the money she earnt as 'hers', and the money he earnt as 'theirs' Completely squewed thinking to me, and totally unfair.
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Old 28th March 2011, 04:56 PM   #300
Chamomile
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Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

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HI All,
Chamomile first to answer your question, the simple answer is NO! My wife keeps all of her money for her but with the proviso that she is responsible for buying thew clothes for the children. I found out only last week what my wife earned and believe me she has more disposable income at the end of each month by roughly double what I have!
I have always given over 50% of my bonus to my wife as well as I do see us as a partnership and to me it is our money, but she obviously does not see it that way.
That sounds like an extreme opposite example of my separated oh regarding attitude to money. His money was always his and his and his and of course, ONLY his. SOLELY HIS own. If possible, I should chip in so that he didn't need to pay any at all. (and he earns far better than average) I have never seen his payslip though he told me roughly how much he was earning in the past..

He also basically has his own decent pot of pension he has been paying for and I would imagine that it will be strictly his even if we both make it into our ripe old age together..

Have you seen a solicitor yet? Maybe, it's time you stopped paying everything for her.
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