Still Stuck... - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

Jenn · 9th November 2009, 02:43 PM

My sister says that my husband has turned me against my family and she is partly right... I don't know what to do with this. I always knew she felt this way, but now that she has said something I feel I have to do something about it.

Brief Family history: grew up with various family members/friends and 6 months in foster care. Lived with single dad from age 11 - 18. Dad treated me like his wife (emotional support (would tell me at a young age that he wanted to kill himself, etc, indirect sexual flirtation, smacking bum, looking down top, innappropriate massaging, etc). He had a short fuse and physically abusive on a few occasions. Sister left home, pregnant, at 16; left me alone. I left home at 18 and moved into a shelter for one month, didn't talk to dad for 18 months. Never confronted him on issues, other than emotional support stuff.

Husband doesn't know anything other than emotional support stuff and Dad's poor child rearing. I couldn't bear to tell him the sexual stuff, 'cause he would never have anything to do with him.

My dad is married and shows little to no interest in my life. They are now closer to my sister because she moves in watches their dog while they are away for weeks at a time. She doesn't own a home and lives in slum so it's actually a vac for her. We have a great house and are not willing to sacrifice - they would not do it for us. At one time, I would have, but husband has changed my attitude and has made me realize how selfish they are.

I'm soooo confused. I don't know if I have adopted his attitude or if some of it is justified. I got into the habit of calling my dad more often (once a week) but they never call me; is this wrong?

Raymond · 10th November 2009, 08:54 AM

Are they trying to put guilt on you Jenn because you are getting on? You and your husband are a unit and you have to be for him ahead of them. This doesn't mean you cannot do something nice for them as you have an opportunity but don't throw away what you have. They could pull you down if you ae not careful. Your own family that you have now comes first.

Raymond

Jenn · 10th November 2009, 02:05 PM

Thank you so much for replying Raymond!

I have felt so guilty over the last several years...

My sister and I were close, I used to live with her and her kids and her boyfriend, (I practically raised her kids). I met my husband, fell in love, and he helped me to grow up and mature (I was 26 and he was 33 at the time, I was living like I was 19 with 2 kids). My sister has not grown up at all and I feel like maybe we've grown apart a bit as a result.

Anyhow, I realize this is not a site for sibling issues, my dilemma is "how much family closeness do you give up for a marriage?". I don't want to have nothing to do with my family, but I AM content with spending most of my time with my husband. It bothers me that my sister and parents are closer and it makes me feel like I'm not being loyal.

Raymond · 10th November 2009, 06:16 PM

I think you have a false guilt problem Jenn that you have to fight against. You have done well and matured with a stable marriage. That is worth a lot. Never help people out of guilt only out of love. If you help out of love you will feel free. It will be something that you don't have to do, only something that you want to do. If it is out of guilt it can become a prison. Your loyalty is first and formost to your husband. In a way you are better off with a bit of distance I think. You need to grow and be confident and measure how much you can take of them as they seem to be affecting you in a wrong way. There may come a time when you will have more insight to handle the matter better but just now definitely put your marriage relationship first. That is the right thing to do.

Raymond

clockwork orange · 10th November 2009, 06:31 PM

I agree with Raymond, Jenn. When we first married, we had some difficulty with my sister expecting to continue to have the same claims on my time and resources as she had previously. We had to sit down with her and gently explain that My priority had to be H now. And that I hadn't stopped loving her. Just that my time had to be allocated differently, and that I couldn't continue to support her emotionally to the same degree. A situation that should never have arisen in the first place, I had allowed her to draw on me as if I were her mother for various reasons, which was very hard to detach her from.

Fortunately, we have been able to mature as sisters over the years and are still close in spite of living on opposite sides of the world.

Jenn · 12th November 2009, 03:09 PM

You guys are the best! Thank you so much for your advice - it's so empowering!

I told my husband this morning what my sister said re: that she thinks he is turning me against the family, he was not happy of course and it has only deepened his discontent for her.

I haven't spoken to my sister in over a week now, since our fight.

My worry now is that they will never speak to eachother which poses a problem on birthdays (my sisters birthday is on Dec 12th) and Christmas time - any advice on what to do?????

Raymond · 12th November 2009, 08:23 PM

I think it is better that your sister doesn't have to come to you Jenn. If you can go to her, providing you are disposed to, that will be better. So long as you have in your mind where your prime responsibilities lie (to your husband and your marriage) there is no reason why you cannot celebrate her birthday. I wouldn't hear anything against your husband or your marriage though. That will be your sanctuary to go back to.

Don't let them put any guilt on you, as that can be a danger to you.

Raymond

Jenn · 12th November 2009, 09:07 PM

Thank you so much Raymond!

What do you mean by "providing you are disposed to", must the barrier - I'm Canadian and have never heard this word used in this context before...

Raymond · 13th November 2009, 08:33 AM

Hi Jenn. I meant provided it is convenient or that you actually want to go to celebrate your sister's birthday.

Raymond

Jenn · 13th November 2009, 02:50 PM

Thanks so much for clarifying!

I'm trying very hard not to feel "guilty" or get sucked in by what my sister is saying, but it's difficult...

My husband has said some nasty things about my family, in front of my sister (not about her though). I try to tell my husband that this isn't ok, but he justifies it by saying they don't respect him... he calls my step mom a fat c**t (of course not to her face), amongst other things, and I hate it - it sends shivers up my spine when he says it.... he makes fun of my step mom and dad in front of her and, at first, I think she thought it was funny, but now, well you know...

What do you think? has anyone dealt with this???

Raymond · 14th November 2009, 08:30 AM

You've never spoken about your husband before Jenn. Obviously he is not perfect and is causing some of the tension here. He should respect people especially your relatives and not run them down. None of us are perfect but we should all be respected. It is OK to judge an action but not the person. Obviously there is tension between your husband and your family that is not helping anything. He has some bitterness there for some reason.

You are in the middle of all this and can not go one way or the other. You can't desert your husband nor write off your family. Somehow you have to be a mediator and encourage each side not to run down or accuse the other as this doesn't help anything. I'm reminded of a rabbit called thumper in the disney film Bambi where his mum coaches him that if he cannot say anything nice then say nothing at all.

I think your best bet is not to receive anything negative about people whether it is coming from your husband or your family. Once you start giving ear to it it will be a kind of gossip that destroys relationships. You need to be strong it seems and need to relate to both sides. Tricky task.

Raymond

Ageing Grace · 15th November 2009, 05:37 PM

I kind of feel I'm stating the obvious here, Jenn. Given that both your sister and your husband love you & want you in their lives - they are part of the deal. Someone who loves & cares about you will put up with the people you love, even if they don't like them.

They don't have to get on brilliantly. But, if they respect and care for you, they'd shut up and put up. People do this all the time; it's simply a part of life! Maybe these two need reminding now and again ...

All the best,
AG

Jenn · 16th November 2009, 03:23 PM

Thanks so much for the advice.

It reaaaaalllly sucks being in the middle! I am veyr sad right now and not sleeping well, tearful, etc.

My husband says he feels closer to me now that I am being supportive to him, but how come I feel like crum!!???? Why can't he be supportive of me and realize how difficult it is for me to be in cahoots with my sister...????!

My step mom's birthday is on Sunday, we are going for dinner, but I haven't talked to my sister and my husband probably won't go...

Do I have a right to be upset if he doesn't go...?

I'm thinking of calling my sister this week to talk...

I just want to run away from it all....

Raymond · 17th November 2009, 08:45 AM

You can't force hubby to go. All you can do is encourage him when he is getting it right. You can ask for his support in going with you so long as he is not going to say anything to upset your family. Your family is part of you. Hopefully he will recognise that eventually.

Raymond

Jenn · 17th November 2009, 07:39 PM

So I called me sister today. She said she didn't mean what she said about H turning me against family, that she just said it out of anger and because I was siding with him. She said she knew that I would not let him do this if he was trying.

She said, for my sake, that she is going to apologize for hurting H's feelings, but that things won't be the same because of some of the things he said during the fight. I guess H will have to apologise for that...

I now have to go home and tell H about my conversation wtih her and this upcoming birthday dinner on Sunday.

I guess I am so anxious because I have to deal with his extreme negativity and ranting about my family. What should I say to him when he does this? At what point does an ultimatum come into play? Any Advice??? I worry that I will say the wrong thing and he will think that I am going against him... He is VERY overreactive and sensitive incase you didn't already notice.