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Old 5th January 2010, 04:48 AM   #1
georgie
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Red face Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

So now here I find myself at the begining of a New Year, thinking where to from here.
M X is planning his wedding to his former mistress, and I'm talking the kids through that (he has yet to tell them himself)
I've asked my eldest how she would feel if I started to see someone else and she said she would feel less confident, which was scarey. We talked through that as well and I've assured both of my children that I would never be interested in anyone that did not love all 3 of us and that we loved in return.
So, how does life recommence? I've still got to sell this house (before it falls down around me) and buy a new place, so still busy tieing up lose ends from my former life for now.
How do I know who to trust,both with my emotions and with my children and theirs?
Where do I meet anyone? Is online the way to go? It makes me nervous.
How do I know I'm ready for it? Am I going to be a needy, suspicious, nightmare partner?
How did any of you guys move on to a new relationship and what were the pitfalls/obstacles you had to overcome and how?
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Old 5th January 2010, 02:09 PM   #2
georgie
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Thanks JB, I dont always feel very together, I feel a lot of pressure to keep up the appearance of being together though! Thats what scares me, as soon as someone starts to get close to me they will peel back that outer layer and see what a mess I am underneath!
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Old 7th January 2010, 01:28 PM   #3
j92cool
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hi Georgie,

I have just started going out a little more and on each occasion have to my supprise have been chatted up. It is so nice to have someone compliment me. I seem to turn all flirty with the flattery and charm it is so foreign to me. My self esteem is improving to the point where I now believe I am lovable and that there may be someone for me. At the same time I am being very very careful. I am not drinking when I go out as I want to have my wits about me. I am terrified that I will fall too easily for the wrong type as long as they are nice to me. I don't think I am ready for a relationship yet but love the attention. My attitude has changed. I'm looking after myself, eating well and exercising and I am feeling so much better for it.

I have not had to deal with my ex as I have not seen or heard from him in months. Still sorting stuff out but it is much better than before. My children are grown however I still have my 18 year old son at home I could not imagine bringing someone home EVER.

Look after yourself

J9
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Old 7th January 2010, 02:01 PM   #4
Helen_uk
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Not sure if my story would bring any inspiration but here goes ! I was married to my second hubby for 14 years.. together for 18.. during that time I completely lost my social skills.. a mixture of bringing up the kids , being a wife and the fact hubby didn't approve of socialising except with family !

I left just before my 39th birthday and was completely bewildered and felt isolated...still had my sons living with me, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and could be hard work . I started chatting to people online and fell for a man who I thought was going to make all my dreams come true ! Loved him to death, trusted him 100 % and eventually we moved in together . He turned out to be one of those people you hear about... liar, cheat... completely destroyed my self esteem...

After one affair too many , even though I still loved him, I ended the relationship...

During the next 2 years I didn't date as such... but I did join a dating and friendship site where I chatted to lots of people , the site has a forum where you can join in conversations ( or just read them ) and I found you get to know a lot about people from this rather than just reading profiles ! I'd meet up with people for coffee rather than date . As it's primarily a friendship site that meant I could also meet up with females as friends and that honed my social skills until I felt my confidence was on the up again... Started just meeting local people and met a few more than once, but didn't feel they were men I'd be compatible with to date. I was happy making friends and expanding my social circle.

I also chatted to people all over the country , mainly through common interests , music being one of mine. I chatted for a while to a guy 200 miles away who liked the same music I did and we had lots in common ( he's in the music business in a way ) and eventually took the bull by the horns and went to meet him.. as a friend...we got on great.. still as friends.. and so we spent a year getting to know each other ,me visiting when I could . Eventually I found I was looking at him as more than a friend so I e-mailed him ( I'm a coward lol ) and told him I really liked him ... luckily he felt the same and we've now been in a relationship for a year come the end of january.. I had to take a leap of faith with confessing my feelings, but I listened to my gut and decided life is too short . In the year of our friendship he hadn't dated anyone and neither had I , I knew enough about him to know he's a good guy and very caring and my kids got on with him too.. although they are both adults that mattered to me..

Nothing has a cast iron guarantee but I'd rather regret the things I have done , than those I haven't and sometimes a calculated risk has to be taken . I felt in my gut.. and my heart... it was time to take that risk.

The main thing I found was that once I was happy being out of a relationship and happy with myself , from there I felt ready to be happy with someone ( if that makes sense ? ).. It was the first time since age 16 I hadn't been " with " someone and I'd forgotten who " me " was . Once I'd found " me " I could contemplate being " we "...

It's not for everyone but it worked for me.

Helen
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Old 7th January 2010, 03:09 PM   #5
jellybean28
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Glad to hear you've found someone special Helen.

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks now coffee, a couple of hours spent kayaking and then coffee again today.

After our coffee today we went for a walk along the beach saw a dolphin with her calf it was so sweet they were about 10mtrs away in the water. Was hoping for some romanace this time, but the dolphins were so much more interesting for him. He seems to run hot and cold, I really can't read him or work out if its just friendship he wants or something more. Maybe I'm still not ready for a relationship and he's picking up those signals from me.

Think I'll give up internet dating for a while and enjoy girls nights out, and enjoy the flattery of being hit on by young men my son's age (even if they are drunk) lol.

Wonder if it's OK to flirt with my Lawyer after all he's single I have to go and see him about my settlement, maybe if I flirt with him I'll get a discount on his fees lol

Wish some of the men here would join in this thread, would be good to have a male perspective.
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Old 9th January 2010, 07:27 AM   #6
georgie
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hi,
I was writing an e-mail to Janine today and I realised something about myself for the first time. All through my life my best friend has tended to be male - I was never concious of this at the time, I have always had at least a couple of very close female friend, but looking back I realise that at every point of my life the person that I opened up to the most and had in reality the closest relationship with was always male. What strikes me as strange about this is that even though I've formed these close bonds of friendship, that I ended up settling for spending 16 years of my life and having 2 kids with someone that had no real empathy for me. I wonder is this because of the type of relationship modeled for me by my parents, did that set me up with low expectations for romantic involvment. I've picked my friends so well, why have I rushed into romantic relationships without even a basic criteria. Does this all have to be worked on before I attempt to move on?
It does concern me how our separation is going to affect our kids in the long run, it concerns me how our being together is going to affect them ,what were we modelling for them? I can only try to do better moving forward.
Amazing how long it takes us to see the most obvious things isn't it. The one thing I never really considered when entering a relationship was if it was actually good for me.
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Old 22nd January 2010, 10:22 PM   #7
JWD
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

I'm not sure you'll ever know for certain. people keep saying to me oh next time you'll see the signs? I don't want to see the signs, I want to make sure it never happens again.

I'm a nightmare. Perfectly nice men and the slightest thing and I'm put off. Like this one guy, his shoes were ridiculous. Big stupid burberry shoes. was it the shoes or am I nit-picking?

And the ones that bitch about ex's - avoid like the plague

I think I will just have to expect that anything is possible, I may meet someone else, I know I will meet someone else but I will always be aware that their feeling could change at any time so I will just need to enjoy it for however long it lasts. My problem is I don't think I will ever habve children because I don't think I could have done this is I had kids.

I know what mistakes I made in the past and one of those was relying omn someone else for my happiness. Its not fair to them. I think before I ever get serious about anyone ever again I will need to make sure that they are happy single but prefer to be in relationship. That way their feelings towards me will be true. Unlike my ex whom I suspect used me to het over his ex.

i THINK YOU JUST NEED TO TAKE THE CHANCE.
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“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
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Old 24th January 2010, 08:21 AM   #8
j92cool
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Moving on is so hard. Trust is broken and it is so so easily given again. Really is unfair to men in general. Wrong to tar them all with the same brush. I have probaly been approached by some very nice men with good intentions but have turned them away. It is soooo scary. I have given up for a while. Too hard. Ahhhhh maybe oneday.
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Old 24th January 2010, 04:18 PM   #9
marion1501
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

I am in a situation where my husband left me last september cos he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. After three days he came back and asked what could I forgive him for if he came back, I said I could forgive anything because I never in a million years thought he would have had an affair. But he had. After long discussions about a multitude of things we decided to try and make a go of it and make things better between us. Over the last 17 weeks I have done my best and more to improve our relationship, but it always seemed to be me doing all the work. He told me the affair was over and that he had no contact with her and I believed him, (how stupid am I). On wednesday last week I opened his mobile phone bill because I had had a niggling feeling something wasn't quite right, we werent having sex, on the three occasions that we had he might as well have not been there. In his phone bill for the last month on every day my birthday included he had called or texted her at least 8 times, so I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life cos I am so very deeply in love with him. I told him he had to leave. He is my soul mate, my reason for living and he has destroyed my completely. It was to be our 25 anniversary on the 20th April and I am inconsolable at the thought of him being with another woman (who is older 59 years old by the way he is 47), when he should be with me. We had three wonderful sons, who are all grown now 23, 21, 18. The youngest is still at home with me thank god or I don't know where I would be now. I have no family where we live as it is his part of the country and I have no "friends" to talk of only work collegues as he was my best friend and my entire life. I know it is still early days for me but how do I recover from this devastation.

Last edited by marion1501; 26th January 2010 at 09:25 AM.
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Old 25th January 2010, 12:23 PM   #10
Helen_uk
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hi Marion ,



Trust me when I say that although it doesn't feel like it at the moment, going to work and trying to maintain as normal a routine as possible is the best thing you can do . Each time you do something that's a " first " makes the next time just a tinier bit easier.



You can't work through the hurt.. it's something that just has to happen, and I know that seems like an impossible task but it's true . You have to go through all the horrible emotions because it's a kind of grief. You have to be kind to yourself , do what your body demands and try to occupy your mind as much as possible. I know it's really hard honey, believe me , I've been there but each little step you take is a step toward recovering.



I'm 3 years down the line now and the first year was hard, very hard . I didn't think life would EVER return to normal . I can't really remember much about that first year, it's a blur , some people get there much quicker but we all get there in the end. NOBODY is worth grieving for forever .








I hope you manage to get through today .



Hugs



Helen x
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Old 25th January 2010, 02:58 PM   #11
jellybean28
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hi Marion,

Helen has given you some good advice. What Helen says about nobody is worth grieving for forever is so true. You life probably feels like an emotional roller coaster now of which you have no control, just roll with the emotions don't bottle them up. It may not seem like it now but things will get better and you will move on.

It's been just over 2yrs since my Ex of 27 years and I parted, him for a woman 10 years younger. He left 2days after our youngest turned 18.

In the last couple of days I have realized I am just about over him. He really isn't worth my time or energy.

I came to this site last year when I was at my lowest have made some wonderful cyber friends, who are so supportive and have shared and given some great advice.
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Old 25th January 2010, 03:15 PM   #12
jellybean28
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hi Everyone,

Thought I would share this with you. I don't know how we can avoid the mistakes of the past, although we can't grow or learn if we don't make mistakes.

I have gotton to a point where I am now ready to go deep inside and find the real me. I have found my inner child and made peace with her, and now am having fun again.

I have forgiven my Ex for the pain, hurt and betrayl he inflicted on me and I am almost (not quite) grateful to him for leaving the marriage enabling me to grow, be true to myself and live my life how I want to and become happier than I've been in years. The short of it he has given me the freedom to be me. While I was still married to him, I was living my life for him.
I also know I deserve much better and am ready to open my heart to new experiences.

Oh and I wouldn't have come to this site and met all of you amazing people who have shared and supported while dealin with your own demons.

So while I wouldn't wish the grief and pain I've gone through for the last couple of years, I'm begining to see the positives it's given me.

Not everyman is like my Ex some are better some are worse, but I know I will trust again and yes make some mistakes along the way but will learn from them. Just like the rest of here we have become stronger and wiser from our experiences.
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Old 26th January 2010, 01:34 AM   #13
marion1501
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

thanks to helen and jelliebean, I really didn't think I was gonna make through today but people tended to leave me to myself. So I didn't have to cope with any "nice people". They are concerned I can see that but they are good people and just want to help. When I came home (an hour early cos I had just about had enough) my eldest was at home with my youngest which was nice, even if it was only so he could use my laptop, lol. It was still good to see him. Tomorrow is not too scary now after today and I feel a bit better in myself.
Again, Thanks x

P.S. how do I start my own thread?????
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Old 26th January 2010, 02:03 AM   #14
Ageing Grace
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Bloody hell, JB, have you been for your hypnotherapy??! Worked like a charm! (If you haven't yet been, you may as well cancel your appointment, by the look of your last few posts! Unless you're on meth of course ... desperate housewives and all that )

Marion: Thanks so much for your posts Wishing you all the best, and congratulations on allowing your own self some respect in all of this. Don't knock the "nice" people before you've shown them who you are and how you feel. Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve friends, and push them away. You'll know who's just making noises, and will find out who loves you - some of those finds will be a surprise! Take good care of yourself & your kids, and stay well. xx
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Old 26th January 2010, 03:59 PM   #15
jellybean28
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Re: Moving on & How do we avoid the mistakes of the past?

Hi AG

No hypnotherapy as yet. My life coach who does Hypnotherapy, NLP and some other therapies did a time -line therapy session with me just before Christmas over the phone the results were amazing she had never done it over the phone before and didn't charge me for the session. She is the perfect therapist for me and came into my life at the perfect time.

No not on anything, except a good dose of fresh sea air and sitting on the beach at sunset for an hour trying to sort out another problem, when all the stuff about forgiving and gratitude came from no where, was an amazing experience. Sorted out the other thing without even realizing it. My coach is going to be blown away by this when I talk to her.

Could discuss this stuff with you for hours AG. I work as an aromatherapist in Aged Care and am about to make a huge change in the way I approach my work, more working with the residents feelings as opposed to their ailments.

Marion, Ag is right don't push friends away, if you don't feel like talking about your problems be honest, you can still enjoy their company and talk about other things to take your mind off things
good friends are precious. So too are the friends I've made here they have been life and sanity savors and available at hours when friends were unavailable.
Little Steps Marion xxxxx
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