Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th June 2010, 01:35 PM   #76
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Val,

You've helped me a lot too - when I have my bad moments you've given me a boost, so it's been mutual

Moving out would be fine, if it was straight into my flat. Unfortunately I've got to give 2 months notice on it from the 4th of the month so I need to find somewhere else for a couple of months. My brother has very kindly offered to put me up but I could just have done without the mental strain of moving AGAIN, only to know I've got to move a third time into my flat this autumn.

I'm still talking about it, because I still don't understand what's been going on, and there's no point asking him because all I get is 'I don't know'. I think you're ahead of me on that one. I agree with you on finding someone who actually wants to be with me. It's just going to take a little time to get there….

What's up with Pat the Bat?

On a plus side, Ikea responded to my e-mail and the sofa bed I want does dismantle (arms and back come off) so there's a chance it may fit in the flat. And it's been raining here on and off since Monday, and ex is caravanning in Dorset all week. Ha. There's karma for you !


The chap next door to my flat is lovely, and were he 50 years younger and single….

Huge hugs to you all, and hope karma is heading your way
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th June 2010, 05:48 AM   #77
dazed and confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi wiggle

Glad I can help abit. I hate giving advice because things change daily for me right now.I think it depends on Dave's moods. Maybe you could store some stuff at one place til you move in Autumn then you only have to move it once.

Pat's doing good.I bought him a tree for his cage so it would give him something to do. I went and got a bat tattoo today ( my first) . Hurts more now than when he was doing it. It's for my new life.

Let it rain ,Let it rain , Let it rain ha ha.

Oh yes the I don't know line.I told Dave I'm over it already. He gets so mad when I say that., but how long can we all wait?? I don't want anyone else but I want to take his power away even if it's pretend. He knows he can come back so I'm taking that away whatever happens ,happens.I do have a plan B which I told him and he wiggled his nose ( which means he's not happy). I find the more I gain control of my life he gets nicer. Either he gets a loan and buys me out of our business or comes back no more floating.

Hey the guy next door might have a hot son or grandson.

All My Love

Val
dazed and confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th June 2010, 09:04 AM   #78
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi,

The bulk of my stuff is still at his place and I really, really want to move it out now but have nowhere to put it. Oh, well, patience...

Where's your bat tatoo?

It looks like it's really going to bucket down today. Hee hee!

Yes, I know absolutely what you mean about neutralising their power. His face when I told him I didn't think he was that bothered…you're doing incredibly well and I hope he realises what he's losing. It might be just as well if he buys you out of the business anyway - frees you up to help more bats!

Read 'He's scared, she's scared' last night. I think I might have just wasted 10 years on a commitment-phobe - I'm writing this as a bit of a journal -

He says he's too scared of divorce to get married
He made sure my name never went on any of the bills for the house, because he didn't want to risk the house
He's never considered buying anywhere together
He's criticising me for things that he knew about before HE asked me to move in and that I can't change
He's admited he was deliberately nasty so that I'd voluntarily move out (gaslighting, it's apparently called - I did wonder what Jennifer meant…)
He's admitted one of the main reasons for going to the counselling was so that he could have 'the conversation' with me
He's too gutless to actually call it a day - he's pushing me to do that.
He's wants me to leave my stuff there for the time being. Apparently that's typical - they can't commit to 'yes', but they can't commit to 'no' either…

Soo, in short, depression or not, it was never going to go anywhere anyway. Bastard. And he must have know how he felt from the start but never said. If I'd have know about the bills and him being too scared to get married, would I have wasted a decade of my life on him? And he likes to think of himself as a 'nice man'? Eugh.

Huge hugs to you all

Axx
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th June 2010, 12:20 PM   #79
dazed and confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I don't regrat my years with Dave and you shouldn't either. Why because you wouldn't be as hurt as your are if it was a waste.Loving someone should never be a waste. We learn things and every step we take in life leads us to new adventures.My plan is to buy a house where I can have my bats and not have to hide them like I do here.I feel both our guys we could do anything for them and it will never be good enough. Sometimes I feel a wild animal likes me more than Dave does.

My bat tat is on my leg,got a big bat for Pat then I'm going to get small ones for every bat I rescue.I guess I need to feel needed or liked.

Take Care

Val
dazed and confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th June 2010, 09:57 AM   #80
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Val,

Sorry, lot of anger going on right now (if you hadn't guessed!) I just feel that it was a waste because of the things he'd been withholding from me - if I'd have known about them from the start, I could have spent the last 10 years either with or looking for a man that I actually had a chance of permanence with, not somebody who was preparing for the end of the relationship before I'd even moved in.

Never be good enough - that's them making up excuses to justify ending the relationship.

I like animals too. I inherited my grandmother's 13 year old moggy, and I have said to friends that I got more affection from the cat than from him! I was brought up with cats and dogs and would love a dog, but I'd like to travel and I work full time, so dog not an option just yet…but I soo missing walking the dog, big waggy tail and sloppy wet tongue.

So you've got a big Pat bat tat ? How's he doing? Has he used his tree?

Yup, I feel the need for other's approval too, according to the CBT programme. And I wasn't getting it from him. I think my issue is my mother - she wasn't a believer in praising her children, she's under the impression that we'd try harder if she criticised us.

I don't understand why I still mull it over in my head every morning, why I still talk about it, why part of me is still hanging on to a thread of hope. I'm getting irritated with myself. I've gone over all the issues time and time again, told myself it wasn't going anywhere- I wish I could just flick a switch and turn it off!

Hope the tat's feeling better,

Axx
  Reply With Quote
Old 11th June 2010, 11:31 AM   #81
dazed and confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

Please don't be sorry.I have alot of anger also.I'm just trying not to think of it because I just get more fustrated with him. Somedays I just want to shake him as I'm sure you feel the same.I find it can just eat at you but it doesn't seem to bother them at all.I think that's the part that ticks me off the most.Maybe you need to think it all out right now.Get it all out then you can move on.It will happen when your ready so don't rush it because you feel you should.

Gee our mothers seem to really muck us up don't they.Alot of people on here seem to have the same thing. I think the best thing is to learn to like ourselves.If you feel you can't please your mum how can you please someone else. I think some mums put there lives onto their kids.I try not to with my son.I only had one child because my whole family picked favorites and I was so scared I'd do the same.

Gee I have a bat tat of pat that sounds so lame lol. He hates his tree he tried to bite it when I put it in his cage. Now he just looks at it.He has 2 holes by his armpit I'm hoping no more dies off and it starts to heal up if it doesn't they will put him down. That can take months and he'll be the fatest bat by then. I e-mailed the bat people for advice but they haven't wrote back.I feel I'm on my own with pat and that bugs me. It's my first bat and I don't want to do the wrong things.The good thing is I spend more time worrying about him that I don't worry about Dave. Oh the tat really hurts today I banged it with my vaccum cleaner.

I guess I keep alot in now people don't want to hear about it now in there eyes we should all move on. So I do understand how you feel you sit and think to yourself for the answers.I try to do things when I start thinking,thinking makes me sad and mad. I painted all my outdoor furniture this week so not to think.I find I'm getting so much done in these last 3 months.

Your a smart great lady.I know you'll find happiness soon and I always see it as things bad or good set those paths.

Giving You BIG HUGs

Val
dazed and confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2010, 10:45 AM   #82
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Val,

I just want to switch it off. I'd like to be able to wake up one morning without it all swilling round my head. Have I mis-understood him? What if I'd said this instead of that? Should I call him, when he's not called me? (my pride won't le tme do that…) Would things be different if I'd not moved out? Then I run through all the things he's said and I tell myself he's not interested, he's been pushing me away, if he really wanted me he'd be fighting for it a damn sight harder than he has been. Then that treacherous little voice pops up saying 'Well, if he's depressed...'

Yes, the fact that he doesn't seem to be that bothered is the bit that makes me really think he's not interested. He's taken what was our caravan, with a load of my stuff still in it, away to Dorset and the New Forest where we used to go a lot. How can he do that? It drives me nuts going anywhere we use to go together because it just reminds me. Is he really that immune, does he really feel that little?

Spoke to my sister yesterday. It's taken her about a year to get over her ex and start dating again, which makes me feel better.

Yes, I've got some work to do on me.

Glad to hear Pat's doing ok. Glad he's taking your mind off Dave. My family are telling me that having to move again will at least take my mind off ex, but I think I could do without that sort of distraction. Sorry to hear you banged the tat with the hoover - hoovers are vicious things! How is it now?

Hoovered, washed the sink and went to a comedy club last night (they've had better nights). Attempted to brush the mats out of the cat's fur - she's been indoors for 4 months, how the devil does she manage to get so matted? Need to cut some of them off, but haven't got any sharp scissors with me.

I hoping for a text or a call when he'd got back from his week off. Ha. I should really know better…

Huge hugs,

Axx
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2010, 02:32 PM   #83
dazed and confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I wrote just about the samething on my thread. How we'd like them to be a certain way but their not. I also think if Derrick hadn't taken those decals off the cars we would have never had that fight.We can think these things til were blue in the face but nothing will change what happened.We can only change the today. So is what you did then what you'd do now?? Of course it is because at that time you did what you felt was right. So you didn't move out and he just treated you bad longer.

I'm really starting to believe females dwell and men move on.Everything reminds me of him but nothing reminds him of me. No I'm wrong the bad things remind him of me.I totaly understand what you mean how can they just wipe out all those years so fast???

I used to groom animals in Canada when you cut the mates out never cut side ways always out wards small sections at a time.


Let's try a no think H day tomorrow.Everytime you start to think of him say meatball meatball meatball. Hey it can't hurt to try. I'll do the same here.

Take Care

BIG HUGS Val
dazed and confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2010, 08:21 AM   #84
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi,

*sigh* yep, I think you're right about men moving on. Is he wondering what he could have done differently? I don't think so. He's shown no real commitment to try and sort this out.

Had the plumbers down at my flat again yesterday, so I e-mailed him to let him know I'd drop in on the way back to grab some bits. I was in and out before he got back from work. All I got was an 'ok' in response.

This isn't going anywhere, is it? Got to try and drum it into my head this is finished….I just wish he'd had the guts to spit it out himself rather than spinning it out with 'I don't knows…'

Tried the meatball thing - no go :-) Yeeesh- another cr*ppy morning. Thought I was past those...
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2010, 12:28 AM   #85
UpandDown
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 293
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

Only just managed to catch up with your thread. It's half midnight so won't write much. A couple of things stood out (probably because they resonated with me!)

1) You said: "I'm also coming to the rather scary conclusion that all the mixed messages over the past 4 months.....(have) all been about him appearing to be a 'nice' man". I have that exact same feeling and it is really cr*p so I feel for you. Dan knew he wanted to leave me in November and didn't tell me til February then messed me around with Relate etc for two more months. All so he can tell people "we have decided to seperate" rather than "I left her". At least we know what kind of people they really are now....and I don't think you can blame that all on the depression. That's calculated that is.

2) You're desperate to get your stuff out of his house - DO IT! Don't waste another moment. Get yourself some self storage and just do it. Don't worry about the fact it doesn't make sense logically, efficiency-wise or financially, you will feel soooo much better, trust me. Moving into this house has been amazing. A huge weight has lifted in spite of having no money and no firm idea of when I will get any and in spite of the impending bankruptcy. It is far preferable to having stuff in our old house.

Just my thoughts. When can you meet up? Would love to show you my place.

Love Kathryn
x


UpandDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2010, 03:54 AM   #86
mdmquincy
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 125
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Wiggle, I am right here with you, dear. Same old, same old, hitting the loops. My H is all about appearing the nice guy, and not doing the work. It won't work, unless he does the work, and I ain't playing unless he does the work. So I am b****ing right here beside you...

Who gets to be so high and mighty that they manipulate others for their own amusement? I could fill a rant for you here, but I know you've got your own... so I'll say this. YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU ARE RIGHT TO EXPECT BETTER. Do with it what you will, but I want you to know you are 100% validated. We need better; we've just got to decide the best way to get it.

Loving you unabashedly,
J
mdmquincy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd June 2010, 09:22 AM   #87
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Morning,

Just a very quick note to say I am reading your threads and my heart goes out to you all with what's going on.

I haven't had a chance to get on a computer and post as I've made a booboo with the dates my flat are free and am desperately hunting for somewhere to live, moving this weeeknd! My brother can put me up for a bit but I don't want to impose on him for a month.

And ex is just sitting in his house or swanning off to Dorset, no phone calls, no texts, no nothing. I could have died and he wouldn't know. Bleugh.

Big hugs, because you are all incredibly huggable,

Axx
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd June 2010, 12:48 PM   #88
mdmquincy
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 125
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Wiggle, Thank goodness for good family. Tell your brother he is appreciated by others as well. Still, I am sorry to hear that you are misplaced, but I am glad you are striking out. I know you need some space.
You're pretty huggable yourself, dear.
xoxox,
J
mdmquincy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd June 2010, 03:20 PM   #89
dazed and confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I've missed you nice to see you.

Yes they can be a little heartless can't they. When was the last time you had contact with him?Least you can look for a place now and get what you want.


Love Val
dazed and confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th June 2010, 02:29 PM   #90
dazed and confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

How'd the move go? How've you been? I've been thinking of you and hope all is well.

Thinking of You
Val
dazed and confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 02:08 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer