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Old 28th June 2010, 07:11 PM   #91
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

Just wondering where you are and how you are doing! Hope you've found somewhere to live. Miss you loads.

Love Kathryn
x
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Old 29th June 2010, 12:22 PM   #92
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi all,

Nobody was willing to rent me a room just for 1 month with cat, so my brother has kindly offered to put me up. It's doubled my commute, but hey, it's a roof....

I've just spent the last 3 days moving from my rented room into my brother's place where I'll be for 1 month before moving into flat #1 whilst I sell it.
Then I'll move into my flat #2 where I'll be long term. I'll have moved 4 times in 1 year!!

Yes, I'm in the fortunate position of 'owning' (ie. bank has the larger share!) two properties, one I had before I moved in with ex, the other one I bought last year with some inheritance money I had and I've been renting both of them out. I was trying to persuade him to sell up and us buy somewhere jointly but didn't want to miss the market waiting for him to get his a*se in gear. Now I know why he was so reluctant!

So, stressed, tired (cat kicked off twice in the night and I mis-set my alarm, so that went off at 2am...) but feeling better overall. I've not had contact with him for 3 weeks now and detatchment really does help.

I get my laptop this weekend so aiming to spend some serious time here then and post lots. In the mean I'm thinking of you all, love Downtown's posts - very informative but judging by the traits ex is depressed rather than BPD. Interesting stuff, though...

Huge hugs,

Axxxx
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Old 30th June 2010, 09:56 AM   #93
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggles

I miss you.Hope you write soon and let me know how your doing.

Thinking Of You

Val
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Old 30th June 2010, 10:34 AM   #94
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Morning all,

Thank you so much for all your lovely mails checking up on me - it's nice to know I'm wanted and missed by some people at least!

Right, I'm going to try to at least catch up with my own thread, otherwise I'm going to be glued to my laptop all weekend...

Kathryn - your post 16th / 17th June -
Quote:
...then messed me around with Relate etc for two more months. All so he can tell people "we have decided to seperate" rather than "I left her". At least we know what kind of people they really are now....and I don't think you can blame that all on the depression. That's calculated that is.

Yep, I completely agree with you. I think he's been very manipulative - he made me do the bulk of the work intially (I sugested I move out into the spare room & then out) and only then admitted that he'd wanted me out for some time and the whole point of the counselling for him had been to get the guts up say something! And he's left it to me to tell people, he hasn't got the guts to. The thought that it's just been a game to him all along to appear to be 'nice' is sickening. But I've come to other conclusions about that - I'll explain further on...


I'd love to meet up again some time - when's good for you?

J - I think they take the easy way out - we are prepared to rolL our sleeves up, admit our faults and put the work in on trying to sort it out. For them, I think it's easier just to walk away and start afresh with someone else. They haven't got the guts to own up to their mistakes and put the work in - it's easier to blame us. The one consolation there is we'll have learnt from our mistakes; they'll just take those same faults through life with them…(and I hope they fall flat on their stupid faces! )

Val - thank you for your thoughts, been thinking of you all too and hope that at least the second half of 2010 brings us all better luck! The first half has been pretty dire so far!

So, where I am right now with all of this….

I've not heard from him in 3+ weeks. Last time I saw him he said he'd give me a ring, but judging by his past performance I now know that's just him making noises. As the man said in 'He's just not that into you', if they don't ring, it's because…..and I've not told him I've moved, nor given him my new tel. no. Since he can't be bothered to try and make contact in 3 weeks there doesn't seem to be a lot of point in giving it to him really. (Yes, one of my negative points is I sulk…!) and he's got my mobile and work e-mail should he miraculously grow some b*lls.

And I'm feeling a lot better about it. I've had a long, hard think about what I liked about him, and what I did'nt (the constant criticism, complaints, negativity, snoring!) and the negatives outweigh the positives. So what exactly am I missing? Hugs and kisses? I had to ask for those the last few years (and I'm NEVER doing that again! The shame….) The company? That was mostly miserable. The fun times? What fun times! The honesty and openess? Well I was wrong on that score. His sense of humour? That was rarely evident recently. His intelligence? I was the intellectual one. I organised most of the holidays, bargain hunted and sourced good finances, so nothing to miss there either. Love life? Again, virutally non-existent the last few years. I hated his house, it's badly laid out, dark and poky. Hmmmm…

And I've also started to think; why waste another hour of my life with someone who thinks I'm cr*p? Why do that to myself? I can't stop myself thinking about it all still, but I've not had a bad day for a couple of weeks now (detachment is a wonderful thing!) and I feel I'm thinking in the right direction now, if that makes any sense. I had two men 'contest' the seat next to me at the last Comedy Club (femme fatale, me!) and one of them I'd only met once before, went out of his way to make sure he was sitting on the right side for my deaf ear. What a contrast with ex! I've had a lovely e-mail from one of my (male) ex-housemates so there's nothing wrong with me - ex is entitled to his opinion, but other men obviously don't share it.

And as for the depression - yes, maybe he is depressed. If he is, he's not in the right place for a relationship anyway since he can't have a good relationship with himself and he needs to deal with it; I can't fix him. And even so, that doesn't excuse some of the comments he's made, the emotional witholding, dishonesty, the casual nastiness, manipulation, calcuation, cowardice etc.

Sooo, trying to focus on onwards and upwards now. I've got to try and spend time with people who think I'm ok, like you lovely lot, friends and family. I've written off the rest of this year as a sort-myself-out year and looking forward to starting next year (all being well) in my new pad.
Of course, if he does try to make contact I could be back on the old merry-go-round again….but I'm going to try really hard to stay off it. I don't need it, and I'm tired of playing his games. He can find someone else to screw up.

Will catch up with your threads soon - I have been reading them but some of them have got me a bit confused!

Huge hugs and warm thoughts,

Axxx
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Old 30th June 2010, 01:06 PM   #95
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I'm sure my thread will have you confused as I'm sure you can see I am. Is my H BPD or Gay?

In reading your post your right why waste your time on someone who isn't your knight in shinning armour.It is true when you really look at their good points there isn't many.You need and will find someone who will treat you so good you'll wonder why you spent a minute thinking of him. There's nothing wrong with you besides loving someone who can't love properly.Anything can happen now the world is your oyster.

Love Val
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Old 30th June 2010, 01:18 PM   #96
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Well done you....and yes, having met you in person I can confirm you are a very good looking, intelligent, funny person and he is off his rocker to let you go.

Can you come to my housewarming on evening of 17th? You can stay over if you don't mind the sofa bed.

x
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Old 2nd July 2010, 01:36 PM   #97
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

For some reason the website won't let me post replies, only do quick replies...

Hi Val, I'd just like a knight in rusty armour, that would do me! :-)

Thankyou for those lovely words Kathryn. Anybody got a pin for my big head? Quite happy with a sofa bed - heck, I'm sleeping on my chair-bed for the next month...

Had an appointment near his yesterday so I e-mailed him to let him know I'd pop in to grab some bits after work. Now, I know he usually doesn't get home 'till 5, often well past although there were ocasions when he'd got home earlier. I thought the chances of not meeting him were good, especially since he knew I was going to be there.

I got there at 4.30pm, grabbed my bits and his car pulled up at 4.45pm as I was locking the door. B*gger. I kept it civil but very short. He asked how I was, asked if I'd got everything and pointed out I'd forgotten a couple of letters. I grabbed those and got the hell out of there.

Why turn up when he knew I'd be there? What the bl**dy hell was the point of that? My head's messed up again now.

!$%&**£!
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Old 2nd July 2010, 02:20 PM   #98
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

That's the point of doing it! To mess your head up.

Luckily you have his number!
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Old 2nd July 2010, 02:56 PM   #99
mdmquincy
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wiggle View Post

And I'm feeling a lot better about it. I've had a long, hard think about what I liked about him, and what I did'nt (the constant criticism, complaints, negativity, snoring!) and the negatives outweigh the positives. So what exactly am I missing? Hugs and kisses? I had to ask for those the last few years (and I'm NEVER doing that again! The shame….) The company? That was mostly miserable. The fun times? What fun times! The honesty and openess? Well I was wrong on that score. His sense of humour? That was rarely evident recently. His intelligence? I was the intellectual one. I organised most of the holidays, bargain hunted and sourced good finances, so nothing to miss there either. Love life? Again, virutally non-existent the last few years. I hated his house, it's badly laid out, dark and poky. Hmmmm…
Well, there you have it, sports fans. This game is over. There is no use continuing a relationship with a balance sheet like that.

He showed up because he wants you damaged so that real men will be disinterested. He wants you to be as wounded as he is. From the above, it is clear that he is a miserable man, and if you are happy or become happy, it means that it must be his fault that he is so damn miserable. (Not sure that made sense, but I was feeling it.)

It's not your head that's messed up,
J
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Old 6th July 2010, 07:09 PM   #100
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Evening all,

Yep Jen, you made total sense - that's part of the reason I moved out and boxed up my stuff when he asked me to - to give him space to see if it was me that was making him miserable or himself.

There are times I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, focusing on all the negatives. Whether I'm adding 2 & 2 and coming up with 5? I still hope for a text or an e-mail from him, but the sensible part of me points out -'Ain't gonna happen' so I guess all I can do now is focus on sorting myself out.

I wouldn't say I feel numb about it- resigned, miffed, a bit distant from it all. I think living somewhere we never really went to helps. A bit sad, but in a pragmatic way if that makes any sense. I think he do more to help himself but he's had that chance.
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Old 6th July 2010, 11:57 PM   #101
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I'll put a differant spin on it which will get boos. Maybe he did want to see you.It's what I would have done if I wanted to see Dave but wanted it to look natural.The ball is in his court now,see if he sends a text or e-mail. Did he seem happy to see you? I think you feel like your on a tight rope.You can move forward if you have to but your still not 100% sure yet. 10 years is along time you can't just walk away without looking back afew times.

Love Val
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Old 7th July 2010, 09:18 AM   #102
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Val,

I'll never boo any coments from anyone on this site! Sometimes you get stuck in an emotional wood and can't always see the trees. And those are very astute observations you've made.

My parents also thought he wanted to see me. It occurred to me that perhaps he just wasn't comfortable with the idea of me being in HIS house alone. As a friend of mine has been saying to me, I'm probably over-analysing now .

I'm wary of thinking that he did want to see me, because that's what I want to hear and there's no way I want to go down the road of false hope again. That really hurt.

No, he didn't seem exactly happy to see me - nervous and uncertain. And too bl**dy right. He's quite thoroughly mucked me about. Yes, the ball is in his court but I honestly can't see him doing anything about it. He's too emotionally immature - he wants someone else to do it all for him.

I do feel like I'm on a tight-rope but forward is the only way I can go. It's not 100% what I want, you're spot on there, but he's really burnt some bridges and he's not trying to re-build them. All this has made me realise I want to be with someone that thinks enough of me to want to marry me, and I don't think that's him. I feel that he's had 10 of the best years of my life on false pretences and I should move one and find someone else. I keep on reminding myself that this is what he said he wanted.

Just realised how many metaphors I've managed to get into this post!

Axxxxx
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Old 9th July 2010, 01:31 AM   #103
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I'm the queen of metaphors in my everyday life.

It is hard to know what's going on in there heads I don't think even they know.I'm sure theres that hope he'll come riding up with a ring in hand and tell you he loves you and wants to marry you.I think we want them to be someone they're not and that's what keeps us from totaly moving on. I think once we know there not going to do that we can all move on so much better.I think we all wanted a prince charming but we all ended up with frogs. Sorry I'm venting abit.


Big Hugs Val
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Old 10th July 2010, 11:47 AM   #104
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Val,

Vent away!

Feeling a bit urgy today - possibly becuase I'm 'hormonal', possibly because I spoke to a mutual friend on the 'phone this morning and chatted about the situation.

Feel p*eed off again about the situation. It's a glorious summer in the Uk for once, and I can't go camping or anything like that because all the gear is still at his place whilst he's probably swanning off with the caravan or camping lots. I'm dragging myself from pillar to post whilst he's sitting happily in his house.

Bastard.

Ah. This would be self-pity...
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Old 11th July 2010, 03:57 AM   #105
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

Hmmm I have alot to vent about but I'll do that on my thread. Yes that wave of anger that comes upon us every now a then. It's not just losing them that's hard it's awhole way of life.I love camping to if I lived there I'd go with you. Maybe he'll meet a prissy girl who hates camping?? and likes shoe shopping serves him right. Sorry to all the shoe shoppers out there. I do think we need to get angry every now and then.It makes us realise how selfish they were and are. Do we really want someone who cares that little for us?? I think we're all more scared of the unknown than anything else right now. I think once we get our lives on track we'll be alot better.So for now we get angry at what they did to us and how they did it. As you can see I really need to go vent but first I'm off to the Sunday markets haven't done that in ages because I'm always at the quarry.See a bright side to everything.

Lots Of Warm Hugs

Val
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