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Old 6th August 2010, 02:21 PM   #1
UpandDown
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Husband had an affair and is denying it

Hi everyone

I thought I would start a new thread to mark my new status as "cuckquean"!!!

So for those of you who don't know, in February this year my husband announced he couldn't carry on and needed to "do something". He had been thinking about our relationship since November and wanted to be sure that was the problem before broaching it with me (i.e. a fait accompli.)

He then had a psychotherapy assessment and we were referred to relate, but in the first session it became clear he didn't want to try. He basically strung me on until finally we seperated on 19th April. I became a single Mum to our two boys (2 1/2 years and 2 3/4 year) and had to go on benefits and move house.

Fast forward to now. He is settled in his own flat and has a new job. I asked him on Tuesday night if he was happy (answer: sorry if it's cold, but yes), if he didn't have any symptoms of depression any more (answer: they seem to have gone) and if he still felt like a worthless person (no) and a bad father (answer: If feel like I could be a good father now.)

That night, Paul who is the husband of a woman called Linda from the Amdram group, came downstairs to find them on the phone together. He snatched the phone off her and saw some texts between them that made it obvious they were in a relationship.

Paul had accused Linda of there being something going on with Dan back in March, around about the same time I asked him whether there was anyone else. He was suspicious because she was getting back so late from rehearsals and Dan always seemed to be hanging around. She was livid and told Paul she wanted to seperate and he should move out (which he didn't do.)

As I say, at the same time I asked Dan twice if there was anyone else and a further other time in April if it was Linda. There's no smoke without fire. He got so angry with me...which was suspcious in itself.

There are so many times my suspicions were raised. Once he wouldn't let me use his laptop. He pretended he had it with him but then I found it down the back of the sofa. Also, nothing he said made any sense whatsoever and he could never back anything up. Now I realise he and her were busy cooking up their own version of each of their marriage histories.

I remember vividly him saying I wasn't showing him I loved him. It was at a time when we weren't touching or kissing or anything and I really didn't know what else I could do. I was supportive of everything he was doing and listened to him when he wanted to talk and tried not to put any demands on him. Now of course I realise he was having the excited new relationship feelings with her and I think in that moment we were in competition. He probably was undecided.

The most upsetting thing is him going to his individual relate session then going to hers straight after "for a meeting." The next day he wrote on his facebook something like "a productive meeting - I think we touched on all areas."

Also, all the times he was annoyed with me for chopping and changing the arrangements (!!) basically just trying to hold it together with the kids, he was actually just wanting to spend time with her and I was making demands on him!

I don't know where her and he actually spent time. He was living at Helen's and he definitely didn't bring her back there. I wonder if his credit cards would show hotel bills. I would love to divorce him for adultery rather than wait two years.

Hs anyone been there and got some advice for me?

Love Kathryn
x

Last edited by UpandDown; 30th August 2010 at 05:32 PM.
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Old 6th August 2010, 03:04 PM   #2
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

My first ex husband never admitted he'd been unfaithful ( despite me knowing he had , and being told by the other woman he had ! ) but when we split up I saw a solicitor straight away and divorced him for adultery with an unspecified person . I had no proof and by this time the OW and her husband had been posted to Saudi so weren't easily contactable.. Ex husband wouldn't admit the affair , but didn't oppose the divorce so it went through pretty quickly.

This was over 20 years ago though and legally things might have changed since then. Why not make an appointment with a family lawyer who specializes in divorce and see what they think ? Some offer free first half hour consultations and then you can apply for legal aid if you're not working now , it's worth seeing what your options are.

I take it Dan isn't likely to admit what he's been up to ?

How are you coping ?

Helen x
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Old 30th August 2010, 12:16 AM   #3
UpandDown
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

Hi everyone

I haven't updated my thread in a while. Basically plodding along as normal. Dan still hasn't told me he and Linda have split up (so maybe they haven't?) although his behaviour indicates they have.

He seems to be very much stuck as his 19 year old self though at the moment. He wrote a song and posted it on you tube-it's utterly dreadful and full of teenage angst.

The lyrics are clearly talking about his relationship with Linda and the secret is referring to them keeping it a secret from her husband. I find it bizarre that he would post it if she has finished it with him as it just makes him look stupid, but then I think he probably blames the husband for Linda not being with him rather than looking at the facts and he no doubt genuinely thinks the song is good!

I know it's not helpful to think about what your ex is up to but it did help to listen to the song - made me even more sure I don't want to be with such and immature w*nker.

Love Kathryn
x

Last edited by UpandDown; 31st August 2010 at 07:36 PM.
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Old 30th August 2010, 02:59 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

up and down.
There is no divorcing specifically for adultery anymore in the UK. You can either divorce for unreasonable behaviour, or you divorce after 2 years of seperation if you both agree, or 5 years of seperation if you dont both agree. If he has left you and wont come back, then that is unreasonable behaviour, and I am sure you can divorce for that. You dont need to prove anything about the other woman. You need to see a solicitor.

You say you are on benefits. Is he paying child care and maintenance for you and the children?

I am glad that the ladies husband has stopped their relationship. It seems likely that it was the cause of his seeming discontment.
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Old 30th August 2010, 08:00 AM   #5
UpandDown
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

Hi Chosen

Thanks for your reply. I went to the solicitor two weeks ago and have started divorce proceedings so that's all underway and Dan said he wouldn't contest it. I'm on benefits and Dan is paying maintenance for the boys.

Hope you're doing okay today.

Love Kathryn
x

PS What do you think of the song writing thing??!
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Old 30th August 2010, 09:27 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

kathryn
I havent seen it, but I think its weird that he would post it on youtube. How did you find out about it?

Do you think there is no hope for reconciliation?I am just thinking of the boys and the fact that you will have to have contact with him for the next 18 years or so because of them anyway.
Is he adament about not coming back and if so do you know why he didnt start the divorce himself?

Last edited by chosen; 30th August 2010 at 09:32 AM.
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Old 30th August 2010, 12:16 PM   #7
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

Oh good grief Kathryn ! I just had a listen ,it's a strange thing for someone to put on youtube when he isn't yet divorced and neither is the ow.

I think it says a lot about his state of mind , seems like a middle aged man pining for his youth to me , but then what would I know.
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Old 30th August 2010, 03:37 PM   #8
dazed and confused
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

Hi Kathryn

I haven't had much to say of late, but I have to comment on Dan's song.How totally heartless of him to put that on youtube.I'm sure he'd know somehow you'd hear it.I wanted to comment on it saying it sounded like an affair song.If you give me the ok I will wont say I know you and I live in Aus so how could I. I'd want to kick his butt if he was my H.

Love Val

xxxx
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Old 30th August 2010, 04:00 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

Hi Val, where are abouts do you live in Aus? My husband is Australian but has lived here in the UK for about 23 years now, and has only been back once(we both went 4 years ago for 3 weeks). He was from Brisbaine.
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Old 30th August 2010, 04:31 PM   #10
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

Have just heard the song. Well he cant sing, and if it is about his affair it sounds as if they are still carrying it on from the words.
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Old 30th August 2010, 05:30 PM   #11
UpandDown
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

Hi everyone

I really have no idea why he posted the song. From his behaviour and the fact that Paul has removed his single status from Facebook I am sure him and Linda are no longer together, but maybe he is seeing it as a temporary thing and she will come back? Or maybe he just thinks the song is really good and he doesn't want to waste it!!!

I found out about the song because he posted it on Facebook, then a friend of mine bawled him out about it (why was she still friends with him anyway???) She wouldn't tell me what she was so angry with him about, but luckily another friend is still friends with him (she rarely uses FB) and she looked it up for me. I was really worried he was slagging me off on FB because of my first friends reaction, so the song was actually a relief!!

It just shows what an immature idiot he is.

Val - I imagine he posted the song more to communicate with Linda than with me and he probably rationalised it that if I heard it he would say the words were not true....he lies so much he has a completely unrealistic idea about what lies people will swallow!! I'm quite happy for you to comment - especially on the standard of the songwriting as saying the song and the voice aren't very good will hit him where it hurts!!

Helen - "I think it says a lot about his state of mind" oh yes. He's definitely wallowing at the moment. He's very down and I think he wants to confide in me all about it! No chance. It hurts to see him grieving his 6 month "relationship" with Linda when he appeared not to grieve our ten years for a second.

Chosen - there's definitely no hope for reconciliation. In my book, a relationship with someone else is the ultimate no. He lied to my face on loads of occasions and all he did when I found out was gaslighting and justification - no apology. Maybe there's hope when people are genuinely remorseful but he still hasn't reached the stage of realising what he's lost. He has huge problems in his character/personality which he just can't address. I've been there for him with it throughout our whole relationship and he's just thrown it back in my face. However, I do feel sorry for him sometimes because he just can't be alone. I will be better off in the future as I am taking time now to regroup and to be okay alone.

Thanks for all your input! It's nice to have others join me in this bizarre journey!

Love Kathryn
x
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Old 30th August 2010, 05:36 PM   #12
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

PS Chosen and anyone else who doesn't know, I have had two threads going which is why there's a chunk of time missing from this one. I'm going to try and remember to just post on this one now though. The other one is called "Limbo No More" and I think it's on the last page when I found out about the affair.
x
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Old 30th August 2010, 05:49 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

kathryn I am the same as you, an affair is the breaking of a marriage as far as I am concerned. I believe in forgiveness and that it is absolutely necessary for our own well being to work on forgiving, but that doesnt mean that you have to reconcile after such a serious betrayal. Some people can have the spouse back and carry on, and some cant. As far as I am concerned if the trust is gone what else is there?Its taken me 5 years to be able to totally trust my present husband after my dads affairs and my first husbands betrayal, so if he were to be unfaithful, I know that the trust would never come back completely for me.

I also think that man definately do find it harder to be alone. My husband hated it when he got thrown out of the bedroom after she met the other man, and then he had to leave a while later. We met not long after that, so he didnt need to cope with it for long,(although we didnt live together) and we married 9 months after we met.
Its not that he cant look after himself practically, as he had always done a lot of the housework and ironing and cooking etc, but the emotional lonliness that got to him. Not having that warm body in the bed after 23 years, even if that warm body belonged to a women who didnt want him.
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Old 31st August 2010, 09:33 AM   #14
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

I dont think Dan likes the comment I have put on his you tube cos he keeps removing it !!!
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Old 31st August 2010, 11:52 AM   #15
UpandDown
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Re: Husband had an affair and is denying it

What did you put?????? x
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