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Old 9th September 2010, 12:53 PM   #1
Ash78
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 67
How Do I get my Wife Back.

Hi
I am new to this forum and am looking for some help. This has been posted on another section so I would apologise for the duplication I was advised by Helen that I may get more help in this section.

Over the last three years we as a couple have been through hell. I expanded my business at the wrong time and this led to the failure of the business and huge debts. I lost my drivers liecence for 8 months, My mother in law came to stay for 3 months went home for a month and then dies in hospital. My wife is going through the menopause and I burried my head in the sand leading to a breakdown in communication Also the back garden has been like a building site for the last 8 years.

At the end of all of this my wife met another man and had an affair.

At the end of July my wife and I separated. I then found out about the other man. My wife has said she loves me but is not in love with me.

We have now been separated for nearly 7 weeks and whilst I have 50% of the blame for this breakup I am doing 100% of the work to try and get my marriage back.

Whilst I appreciate that my wife is still seeing the other man it is not frequent as she has our two children and cannot get out much. Having said that it still hurts.

I am doing all I can to get her back I am sorting out the business, I am trying to sort out the finance, and I have started work on the back garden.

I know that my wife will not came back to me easily but I am looking for pointers as to what I can do to win her heart back. She says she is emotionally exhausted by the events of the last few years however when she left she took with her her inheritance which would have sorted our finances, paid off the mortgage and left us a sizeable sum in the bank.

I appricate that whilst I have 50% of the blame for the relationship breakdown she has 100% blame for the affair. but that does not get me what I want so advice would be appreicated particularly for people who have survived something similar to explain how they went about it.

Last edited by Ash78; 9th September 2010 at 03:09 PM.
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Old 9th September 2010, 03:48 PM   #2
koliver0821
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Re: How Do I get my Wife Back.

I have tons of advice I can share and perhaps it might help if you answer some other questions along the way. Usually, when affairs are out in the open, they tend to fizzle. If that is not the case, something else is probably there. I dont mean to alarm you, but if you weren't there for her emotionally when she needed you, she may have built up those walls around her heart.

You need to examine the aspects of your relationship that may have caused her to look elsewhere for comfort. Now, I know other people here will tell you, its her fault for the affair. Yes 100% true she is at fault for having an affair, but you both are 100% at fault for the breakdown in your marriage. Now if you can look at your part and what could you have done better it may provide you some clues on how to win her back (if at all possible).

The first thing that you need to realize is that she must be seeing this other guy frequently enough for her to leave your marriage behind. You mentioned you are doing 100% of the work to keep your marriage together. This part is going to hurt. Your relationship as it stands is over. The only thing that you can do now is either start a new one with your wife (based on communication, love and trust) or a new one with someone else. Working 100% on your marriage is actually the wrong thing to do. Especially when you are the only one doing it. Simple math 1x0=0. She's not working on the relationship with you. She's working on her new relationship.

Sometimes we need to see the hard facts before we can start doing things about the situation. In your case, you truly need to work on you. Work on the garden only if you want to and it makes you feel better. Don't do it to win her heart back. Everything you do for the next couple of weeks should be done for your kids and for you. If your wife sees some benefit to your activities, so be it.

Next, every opportunity to meet her is an opportunity for you to work. Be Smart. Be clean. Smell your best. Lie to yourself if you have to. Be happy. Remember, they are your children too. One thing is for certain, you and your wife will always have a relationship. It may not one your willing to have but she will be in your life.

Don't go all melty man on your wife. Grovelling is not attractive to women. Almost any woman likes a strong confident man. Strong can be mental or emotional. Also, this sounds a little bizzare, but you need to do things almost the opposite of what you were doing prior to the separation. Why you ask? those things weren't working. As Albert Einstein said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Now for my questions:

Is this other guy married? are you the only who knows of the affair? Also, talk to an attorney. Vitally important. You want to protect yourself, If she just got up and left, who knows what else she is capable of doing.

Why all the negativity from me? I have been through this before. I made it through alive with a stronger marriage. I wont ever forget what happened but I have certainly learned to forgive. You need to realize this decision wasn't made overnight. It was probably on her mind for sometime. My wife kept it inside her for 6 month before we separated. That was even before I found out about the affair.

Keep posting on here.
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Old 9th September 2010, 04:12 PM   #3
Ash78
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 67
Re: How Do I get my Wife Back.

Koliver
Thanks for the reply the other guy is separated/single his partner moved out in 2009 according to the electoral role. I am in the process of tracking her down at the moment. I have already spoken to a solicitor and have managed to get the situation paused at the moment. Although her solicitor still writes to mine, mine is under instruction not to reply and my wife knows this. She left after securing the inheritance so whilst I am still in love and trying to resolve issues I am protecting myself legally.

I have not grovelled I have told her how I feel. We are talking really well when we talk and even spend 3.5 hours in her company and she fed me. I have looked at myself and I have told her that I will resolve all the domestic issues that caused her to leave as well as all the financial and business issues. I am actively working on the business and I have one project which I hope will pay off all the credit card debt very shortly that will help tremendously.

She cannot see the guy that often, she saw more of him when we were together cos I looked after the kids now she has the kids 24/7 other than when they go to school. I also know that she will not take him to the flat when the kids are there. She has been seeing him since January and it really took off after the death of her mother as she said she needed a shoulder to cry on and she felt she could not come to me as I was so stressed out and distant.

I cannot see how the relationship will last long term but it may be wishful thinking. He is in his early 50's as is my wife and is he really going to take on my kids who are 7 & 8 at his age. This is why I want to speak to his former partner to get a better understanding of the man.

She has built up the walls around her heart and I know I need to take them down. I have not reacted to this situation in the manner that she would expect and she has commented on this. I am the type who faces and confronts the problem so that I can deal with it and move forward as quickly as possible.

Here I have calmed the situation down I have been totally understanding and totally caring and have forgiven her for the affair even though I know that it is ongiong. I have told her that we were living in a pressure cooker and that something had to give.

I am trying to show her that I love her very much, her latest issue is that I only want her back for her inheritance but rest assured if given the choice between the debts and her or the money I will take the debts all the time. I am totally in love with her.

Somehow I need to remove the OM from the equasion. That needs to come from her and not me, if I try and force anything I know I will loose. An advice that you can give on this would be appreciated.

Last edited by Ash78; 9th September 2010 at 04:19 PM.
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Old 9th September 2010, 04:41 PM   #4
koliver0821
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Re: How Do I get my Wife Back.

One tough way to remove the OM from the situation is to ask him. Tell him that you need to work on your marriage for the sake of the children and your wife. though I suspect it wont really go over well.

As you said, its her decision. People make the same mistake over and over again. They mindread. Don't even try to mind read her. They are her decisions. As soon as you can understand that (which appears you have) you will start to find some tranquility. Of course, she thinks your intentions are dishonorable. Why? Because she is mindreading. Funny how that works. The money issue. Its not your problem. I dont know anything about your business practices or how hard you work. The problem is her fantasy about how her life should have ended up.

She owns her own happiness. If she can't find it, she starts finding excuses as to why shes not happy. Some of them may be valid. HOWEVER, it truly sounds to me that she is using the money card on you but the truth of the matter is its her issue. Maybe all those finacial issues were dealing with were causing her stress because she wasn't getting what she wanted in her fairytale relationship.

From what you can tell about this OM, what can he offer her? Stability? Is your career one that ebbs and flows quite a bit? Lots of these things can be worked on with communication and small sacrifices.
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Old 9th September 2010, 05:07 PM   #5
Ash78
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 67
Re: How Do I get my Wife Back.

I have thought about going to his house but I know he will tell my wife and I will be the one kicked into touch. I have said to her though that I would not go near him.

Money has been an issue throughout the marriage she would run up credit card debt we would pay it off and she would run it up again. The problems seemed to get bigger and bigger but while credit was easy we got out of it. I am so disinterested in money it is unbeleivable and as long as I could afford it it didn't matter.

She beleives that she should be kept by her husband and maybe we should be a partnership.

My career is on the ebb at the moment because of the economy. I am an Architect and no one is building anything at the moment and this is causing me big problems. He seems to be pretty wealthy has a big house in a nice village and I suspect that is what my wife is angling for the, as you put it, fairytale relationship. I suspect it will be out of the frying pan into the fire. With me at least she knows what she is getting. At the moment she has security in her inheritance but I cannot see how that will last as it is not that big and she has two children to provide for. OK I have responsibility and would love to play my part but I will provide for them financially when they are older and want to go to University. I will not give my wife money for her to squander unless she is back with me.

I do think that part of the reason she has built the walls around her heart is that she feels guilty about the affair and about leaving me in the crap. Having said all that she is still trying to distance herself from the business debt whilst still wanting a 50% share in the business assets.

Last edited by Ash78; 9th September 2010 at 09:31 PM.
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