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Old 25th August 2004, 12:29 AM   #16
Kimbo
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Carol,
Sadly, marriage and masturbation go hand in hand (no pun intended) as it is only a short time before one partner or the other 'shuts up shop'. I have been with my wife for 17 years and once she had got the kids she wanted it was down to once a month. The choice then is fairly clear, DIY or find an alternative source of pleasure. I think you should ask to be involved as watching a partner masturbate is a big turn on - and hey do it for him as well.
K
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Old 31st August 2004, 07:07 PM   #17
kirsten25
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I just wanted to share my experience. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Just recenly I found out some things my husband have been doing for the past year. He is a sex addict, it started with pornography, and then stripclub, and lastly he went to a massage parlor with happy ending. My husband came clean and told me he has a problem, and told me that he has been cheating on me. It was reallt devastating, I never thought I would happen to me, but it did. So, what Im trying to say is it's not just looking just because of their se sex drive, it is a problem and it should be taken care of, not ignaroed, because it can escalade to more things. And it will consume him, he wouldn't be able to function without it. Right now my husband and I are trying to work things out, but it's really hard, we are going to counseling, and try to be more honest with each other. If you are going to get married, honesty is the key to a good marriage. My love me, and I love him but this thing still happened. So, just talk to him, and maybe he can get help about while it still early.
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Old 6th October 2004, 03:48 AM   #18
SelaW
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I've been married for 16 years and I can count on one hand the number of times my husband and I have had sex in all those years. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night! He has always suffered from something called "Inhibited Ejaculation" so even when we have had sex he was never able to have an orgasm. He can however achieve orgasm by masturbating alone and watching porn on the computer which he does almost every night. We have been to 3 different marriage counsellors and he has been to 4 different sex therapists but no one has been able to help. One doctor told us this problem can be caused by the man masturbating to porn from a young age and conditioning his body and mind to only get aroused by hardcore porn and the tight grip of his own hand. He asked me if, when we did have intercourse, if my husband ever complained that his penis felt numb. I almost fell off the chair because he complained about the fact that he couldn't feel anything everytime we had sex. The doctor explained that a vagina can never match the tight grip and super vigorous up and down action a man uses while masturbating so of course he doesn't get the hard stimulation with me that he does when he masturbates. Plus men get hooked on the fantasy of being able to have a different women and different types of sexual activity just by clicking the mouse and downloading a new porn movie or going to different porn sites on the internet.

He is a good man and a wonderful husband so I have learned to accept our sexless marriage. My advice to women who's husbands are masturbating to porn is to do something before it is too late. If the number of times a week or month that you have sex has been dwindling or if he is having problems ejaculating or keeping his erection, it could be caused by the porn.
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Old 7th October 2004, 01:48 PM   #19
mjdirect
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Red face Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

its a tough one, your man sounds like he is slapping that snake
a bit to much for my liking and the porn well i myself as a guy does
not need to watch it , I would from time to time maybe watch a piece but never in my wifes presence. I would ask my wife to masterbate me or assist a little when she may not be up for a sex but this was a rarity most times.
Your man needs to have a good look at himself and realize how to show his
love to you and not a sleazy porn film. Open his tantric valves to yours and
connect....
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Old 9th October 2004, 01:07 AM   #20
SelaW
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Not that easy....we have tried to fix his sexual dysfunction for years and I have to give him credit, at least he went to the various doctors and therapists. He was wanting a cure just as badly as I was. But RE is very difficult to treat and after years of trying we have pretty much given up. You can't have an orgasm out of sheer force of will and he is unable to have an orgasm with a partnereven though he really wants to,he can only ejaculate when masturbating alone. I tried to masturbate him just after we were first married but after about 20 minutes my arm got sore and we were both very frustrated. Thanks anyway for the suggestion.
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Old 9th October 2004, 10:10 PM   #21
SelaW
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

{QUOTE}i firmly believe he made a choice, porn instead of his wife.And now when he sleeps with me its in my head that he'd rather be pleasing himself on the computer. The porn, the hurt, the lies, the continually being pushed away night after night ruined my marriage. Yes he was an addict and i know a lot of men don't use porn this obsessively. There are lots more humiliating details i could tell you about, but you don't need me feeling sorry for myself when you need advice. My only advice would be, decide before you marry him can you put up with the porn yes or no and if the answer is no i personally dont think you should put your self through years of heartache. In his defence he didn't lie to you and in my experience that counts for a lot.

good luck
chellex[/QUOTE]

After years of watching porn many men just can't get aroused by sex with a real person. This might be you husband's problem. Marital sex cannot compare to the physical sensations of masturbation and the heavy porn fantasy. Has he ever complained of his penis feeling numb during intercourse? Has he ever been unable to ejaculate or get and hold an erection? These are all sypmtoms of heavy porn use that has gone on for years.
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Old 17th October 2004, 02:57 PM   #22
Karly_H
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I'd like to hear what other women have done to solve this problem. I've tried to get my husband off the computer porn but haven't had much luck. I have read that this is really getting to be a huge problem for so many couples. One article I read said that before the internet men may have had a few porn magazines that they masturbated to once in awhile. But sex with their wives was generally better than looking at the same pictures in a magazine over and over. But this internet porn is just crazy!! It is soooo easy for him to access and some of it is really hard core. How can I compete with that!? The perfect bodies these young girls have and the fact that they seem willing to have any kind of sex the man wants. My husband seems to like videos where the guy has two or three women at the same time. It makes me sad because he is a good father, helps with the housework and spends loads of times with our kids. You couldn't ask for a better man except for the porn habit. He needs his computer for his business so I can't throw it out the window like another poster suggested. I'm at my wits end about all this. Any suggestions?
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Old 17th October 2004, 05:41 PM   #23
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Dear Karly

Why not look at the resources here. Among other things you can put a filter on your machine. Is he willing to try to give it up for your sake. How would he feel if he found the children looking at it? I hope the resources may be some help.

Kate
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Old 18th October 2004, 08:39 PM   #24
Karly_H
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Kate. thank you for the link. I did try to put a filter on the computer which was not easy as he is the only one who uses it and it is password protected. I did manage to get at it one day when he left for work and his screensaver hadn't started uet. This is how I found all the porn. I installed the filter but it didn't work with the type of porn he downloads. He doesn't go to porn websites. He gets all his porn movies downloaded for free from a special newsgroup that is not a website. The filter only works with websites.

AS for him stopping for me, I have asked him but he is unable to function sexually very well with me and never really has. I am not screaming and yelling at him about this because the only way he can have an orgasm is by masturbating when he is by himself. I would like him to get help because I think if I could get him off the porn he might have an incentive to see a therapist about his ejaculation problems when he is with me . I'll try and see if any of those links help. I did talk to a sex therapist at our local clinic and she said he basically has to get off the porn before any treatment can begin so that is why I am searching for ways to help him quit.
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Old 31st October 2004, 10:12 AM   #25
lizzy1232004
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Iam glad i,m not on my own
Yes men doing porn does hurt us as women.
My husband spends hours on the net most days.
I found a list of 300 sites all to do with black and asian girls.
When questioned he told me its non of my business, he sends for videos fromm around the world. i foundd 30 videos and 50 dvds.
Our marriage is disspearing fast with him saying he cant help how he is.
He goes through phases months of no sex then three time a night.
I personall am at a loss and dont know what to do, i have suggested counselling but he says he as not got a problem.
Hope you can sort your but i would like your views please.
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Old 4th November 2004, 06:52 PM   #26
D8304
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I'm having the same problem as many have described above. Me and my husband have been married for almost 4 years (together for 6) and we have a 3 year old daughter. He started looking at porn while I was pregnant with our daughter, which hurt a lot...it definately didn't make being pregnant any easier. Needless to say our sex life went to nothing during that time. Things did get better, and we were having an active sex life again, but the porn was still there just not as much. Now he's looking at porn every morning before work, and we have sex once a month if I'm lucky. I've put a keylogger on his computer, and it shows me all the sites he visits so I know for a fact that he's doing it. I've talked about this with him numerous times, I tell him how bad it hurts me and makes me feel. He gives just tells me 'nobody elses wives care, your the other one it bothers' pretty much just excuses that everyone else has said they were getting to. It hurts even more that I have told him how I feel and he just disregards my feelings. I'm at a point where I'm not sure what to do, it doesn't look like he's gonna stop...and the thought of him doing it makes me sick to my stomach .
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Old 5th November 2004, 01:27 AM   #27
Sad Wife
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I am in the same boat as so many wives... my husbang watches porn everytime he is home alone. I have asked him to stop and he just lies to me to stop the crying. I have given up on asking now, but I can feel myself starting to get sadder everytime he is home alone and losing my respect for him. I will actually try very hard to get home from work before him everyday and find other excuses to keep him from being home alone. Not a permanent solution... but it works for now. It just breaks my heart to know he is doing this even though he must know after all the conversations and the tears how much it hurts. Dont know if the marriage will last this one out... maybe he will eventually understand and be willing to stop for me but not now. I will just keep throwing the porn away for now and trying to make sure he is never home alone until I can come up with something better.
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Old 7th November 2004, 02:10 AM   #28
Lonely In Chicago
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

My husband has been addicted to porn since before we were married 9 years ago. Of course I didn't know he had a problem although looking back now I realize that he couldn't ejaculate about half the time we had sex. He would just tell me it was nothing and that he was just under too much stress at work. The real problems started after we had been married only a few months. Sex went from once or twice a week to once a month and then after the first year we would go 3 or 4 months without sex. Apparently men addicted to porn and masturbation get themselves conditioned to only be able to have an orgasm with a fantasy women and not a real person. We are now going to marital therapy but it has been almost a year since we made love and I am about ready to give up and resign myself to a sexless marriage. It's sad for me because I know I will never be perfect like those girls in the pornos.
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Old 11th November 2004, 04:29 PM   #29
Hands Solo
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Some men and some women too have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner but have no problem when masturbating by themselves.. One theory holds that these people have an "Auotsexual" orientation. They actually prefer self masturbation and if left to themselves would be perfectly happy never again engaging in partner sex.

The problems arise when these people get married. Like gays and lesbians in the bad old days these people go against their own sexual instincts in order to have a family. Just as homosexuals CAN have sex with people of the opposite sex, autosexuals can and do enjoy a sexual experience other than the one they prefer.

Sometimes though, the subconcious mind rebels against the autosexual's attempts to be "normal" and this rebellion can manifest itself in various physical dysfunctions during sex. In men, retarded or absent ejaculation is a major problem as is the inability to attain and/or hold an erection during intercourse. Women are anorgasmic and cannot achieve a climax. In other words the brain realizes that the overall level of desire is not high enough and the the type of stimulation being recieved is so different from what it really wants (manual self stimulation) that it refuses to cooperate.

Wanting comanionship and a family but preferring masturbation to sex with the husband or wife can play havoc in a marriage as we have seen here. Porn is just a side effect of autosexuality, used to enhance the experience. But autosexuals are as old as mankind and were perfectly satisfied for centuries without having to use porn.

The porn problem can be fixed in therapy but the autosexual orientation is something you are born with and there's nothing that therapy can do to change that.
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Old 15th November 2004, 07:57 PM   #30
Vivian
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Re: Porn

You know men get hook on porn, my husband is fifty years old and you know what else we have no sex now, NONE! before he could keep up with his porn and me now it's just porn and NEVER me, and am a good looking women I look really good he doesn't! and still perfers porn over the real thing so for all you women who think it's good to look at porn think about no sex at all from you're man in the next few years go to bed alone get up alone knowing at night all your man does is get it on with a computer! so think about that! you women who feel its ok. to use other women as sex slave are the ones with problems look at Girls gone wild they are a bunch of drunk teens not knowing **** about what they are doing! picture you're girls being use for porn someday! if us as women do not stand up to this then it's our daughters one day! so think about THAT! and think about their men treating them as sex slaves! can all you women deal with that? women get treated bad enough in this world today and put down enough on jobs home. and you feel it's ok. to use another women who is stone out of her head to even perfrom for that many men at once it's OK.!!!! NOT!!! WE NEED TO FIGHT PORN BEFORE IT BECOMES OUR KIDS! it already did become one of my daughters she took up stripping! and you know what she hated it! why because she was being used! are we ever going to stop being slaves for men or WHAT?
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