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Old 2nd August 2010, 09:23 AM   #1
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Advice wanted

Hi, my wife and I have been married for 23 years and about 5 years ago she had, in her words, a fling. I was shocked and very unhappy at first but now we are pretty close and that relationship is behind us.

The problem is that we now have a brother/sister relationship and she has told me, in no uncertain terms, that she does not want me pysically.. at all. We have not made love for 4 years and we never touch, kiss or hug... nothing. We have 2 lovely kids, 15 & 12, and live together very well. I think she loves me in her own way but I have my needs and desires and I still find her very attractive sexually.

I really don't know that I can continue in this way for much longer, no matter how much i love her. I have been tempted by other women but, so far, have remained faithful, as I believe, has she.

Is there any counselling or course of action I could suggest to her? Or has anyone else experienced a similar situation and maybe can offer some advice?

I do not want to leave her but I do want to have a proper marriage again.


Last edited by typhoon; 2nd August 2010 at 09:29 AM.
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Old 2nd August 2010, 09:44 AM   #2
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Re: Advice wanted

I think that you definately need counselling. Even if she isnt that keen herself she needs to think of you and of your needs. I cant imagine what is must be like to never even touch or kiss your own spouse. I think you have been very patient for 4 years. Was she like this before her affair?

As a Christian I can say that God actually tells us not to withold sex from each other, (you see God is very wise), so that we are not tempted. A marriage with no sex or even any touch isnt going to be strong and as you know it can lead to terrible temptation for the one who is denied. My MIL denied sex to my FIL for most of their married life and she recently told my husband that she thinks he has an affair, or affairs, and my reaction, well what did you expect after 20 years with no sex.

Yes counselling, where you can tell her in a controlled atmosphere what a terrible effect this is having on you and what temptations you are facing is vital if anything is going to change.

Just another thought, is her affair definatly over?
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Old 2nd August 2010, 10:08 AM   #3
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Re: Advice wanted

Thank you for your reply.

Our sex life before her affair, and for a short while after, was always reasonable. Although it was nearly always me that instigated it and I have to admit, she was usually reluctant at first, but seemed ok with it after a bit and I think even enjoyed it. I do think her affair is over, really. But of course I may be wrong. We never discuss it and I really do want to trust her, without that trust it would seem we have very little.

We did go to counselling shortly after her affair, but not about the sex art. We both agreed after 2 sessions that we didn't need it and we would work our way through our problems, which we have done... to a point. But I agree that we probably need a different type of counselling now, just not sure where to look!

Thanks again for your kind advice.
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Old 2nd August 2010, 11:32 AM   #4
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Re: Advice wanted

Your wife needs the counselling not you Typhoon. We are married with our bodies as well as our minds and soul. To withhold sex or not to do it is a problem. Chosen speaks good sense but how can we speak to your wife? Awakening oneself for sex is a duty as well as a great pleasure especially when we could be denying our spouse. If she is capable of having an affair she is capable of sex and that is owed to you and only you. The reasons need to be uncovered and maybe that through counselling. You have a steady marriage it seems but do need some kind of sexual counselling together. When and why did this happen would be a good question to ask. There are answers there in the past that need to be unravelled.

Some of this might relate to the affair. Although she repented of it and came back together she may have created a soul tie with him that is preventing her being free in this area. This can happen. The christian way is to repent and renounce the relationship before God and have someone pray to break the soul tie. I am not sure what the answer would be apart from that and of course she would have to be willing for that. The manifestation she would have is that somehow the other person is around when having sex with you. If that rings a bell with her then she could have a wrong soul tie with him due to her unfaithfulness.


Last edited by Raymond; 3rd August 2010 at 01:10 PM.
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Old 2nd August 2010, 12:24 PM   #5
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Re: Advice wanted

Relate do sexual conselling
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Old 2nd August 2010, 03:38 PM   #6
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Re: Advice wanted

Originally Posted by UpandDown View Post
Relate do sexual conselling
yes I was going to suggest relate as well, and I do feel that you need to go for some time,and not just 2 sessions.
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celibacy, marriage help, physical, sex

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